As I write this I can hardly believe how stupid I have been to get myself into this situation again!
I am considered an intelligent woman with a high powered job, which I have just secured.
In brief I have been gambling for about 15 years and I have had wins but a lot of losses, and in the long run have come out worse off.
I met my partner 3 years ago and in that time, I have taken money from the house which wasn’t mine to take and gambled it. I’ve got loads of debts, I’ve lied constantly to him about money and even borrowed money saying family was in need. A while back I had to tell him as I was in a corner where he was going to find out, I told him everything, apart from credit cards I had used.
He was devastated, said that he never believed I could do those things, never expected me to lie like that. He was so hurt and upset that I could hardly look at him. I stopped gambling for a bit, but then the amount of money I owed him and the debts that I secretly had to pay took over, and I started gambling again.
Again and Again I took money that wasn’t mine, sometimes making up lies, sometimes just slyly taking it. It came to a head when I took £7000 which he had saved. I felt so bad but I made up a lie and said I only gambled part and that I was getting help. He didn’t forgive me but we lived with it.
As I write this I feel ridiculous, as I’m sure you know what’s coming and I do not deserve any sympathy.
I promised him it would never happen again, this was about 6 months ago. I have not touched his money in that time, although it has been in the house as he just likes to keep cash in the house. In that time I have been gambling my salary.
But I had a strong urge a couple of weeks back to gamble heavily. I took £1000 and lost it, so took more and now again there is hardly any money saved in the house.
I’m terrified every night that he is going to look and see that I have taken it. He is not wealthy just works hard.
He doesn’t deserve to have a lowlife like me around. The sad thing that gets me is that he has really trusted me this time, I know he hasn’t checked on that money, he believes it’s there.
I feel so bad about what I have done and I just can’t face telling him. I know this time it’s the end and I live in his house, and owe him so much money now, I just don’t know what to do as I will also be kicked out of my home.
I know you will say tell him, but I just don’t have the emotional energy to tell him again, I don’t want to disappoint him. I’ve been leaving it and leaving it, hardly sleeping and finding it hard to do my job. I cry as I write this as I have got myself in such an awful mess, after I was given many chances.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for sharing your honesty on our Forum, this is never easy to do. Please don't give yourself such a hard time, problem gambling is cunning, powerful and baffling and without help it is too much. There is help and support available to you and there is a way through this - you can get through this however dark it feels right now.
Along with the Forum we have Advisers available 24/7 to help you through this. Please make contact on our Helpline 0800 8020 133 or using our LiveChat option. I encourage you to contact us so we can discuss the best way forward and how to overcome the issues you are currently facing.
You are not alone, we are all here behind you.
You are not alone in this. Many people her have experienced your situation but I would be wrong if I just sent you sympathy for it. It is about understanding more about yourself and accepting your need to start on that journey of recovery now. It is not hard to be a slave to your impulses. That takes almost no effort but costs a bunch in emotion. We can also almost bare the f....d up nastyness we manage to create towards our loved ones when we do get zoned but it does not matter how hard we try, we seem to allways forget about ourselves and what we are all about.What makes us tick like this. That is one of your top priorities to find out. Get to know you. Understand what drives you into the gambling zone and what feelings you surpress when to stay there.
Alot of people in our situation has trauma they surpress. Do you? If so what happened find out.
Get your gambling blockers in place because you are in a place right now were you need some breaks.
Talk to a cbt therapist. You need to know how to sort out your thoughts and your actions is not your friend. You can make that better by going to therapy sessions.
Show confidence towards your partner. Be apologetic but make sure he knows that you have a plan to make this right. It needs to be constructive however rough and nasty it may feel.
Plan to get to know yourself like you never have before . Understand every little microbe there is about you.
All addiction is mechanics. It is about you lying to yourself to go down a path that stills brain chemicals in an imbalance. It comes from hard training. If you were a professional sportsman you would be going places after 15 years. Being stuck in addiction is the same. You escalate till you fall. This can stop if you decide to stop it.
If you do not decide to stop it it will continue, so start making those choices. Stand up. Dust of and keep moving.
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