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Relapse and feel like a total failure  

 
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)

So I had been 2 weeks gamble free and felt so much more positive. I had a good half term with my children and knew the test would be payday. I am signed up to Gamstop for 5 years and had been gambling on a completely ridiculous non UK site after this. I self excluded from those sites and thought okay this is it now. How stupid I was! I got payed on Friday and still felt like I was winning with this new will power. I payed my mum back money I owed her and cleared two debts. Saturday came around and I had an argument with my husband. I drank a bottle of wine in the evening and then did the most stupid thing. Whilst trawling sites I found a UK licensed site which wasn’t part of Gamstop. I then continued to spend the rest of my wages! Without being able to pay my rent and bills.  I am back to having not a penny to my name and feeling like a total and utter failure once again. This relapse tho I wan to dust myself off and try again I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and I want action.  I spoke with a lovely advisor here who gave me access to Gamban for 12 months. I did not know I could get this for free!  I now have it installed on my phone and iPad and laptop. I have also applied for a Monzo current account where you can completely ban gambling transactions. I really feel now every UK licensed casinos should have to join Gamstop. I cannot physically gamble now and I have also set up counselling again, All through this wonderful site.  I feel blessed to have had all of this support and advice. I usually feel complete despair on a relapse and I won’t lie I did feel this on Saturday all day. But going 2 weeks before without gambling was the longest for me in a good while. I hope now I will turn that into a month, and with all my new stops in place can continue to recover and stop for good. 

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Posted : 3rd June 2019 11:48 pm
ricks
(@ricks)

Despite the despair there is something immensely positive in your words.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th June 2019 2:29 am
K2
 K2
(@k2)

Hi Liveinhope35,

It's a rare gambler who doesn't relapse - at least in the early days. The blocks you have put in place are great,  and really good that you are having counselling, however maybe consider handing control of your finances over yo your partner (or mum).

It's difficult I know.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th June 2019 2:08 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

One thing I know is that addiction free time can not be lost.

Each time I went back to my addictions and obsessions I learned what my last emotional trigger was.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy, my feelings of boredom because I felt that life was boring, that I could succeed, that I avoided facing being accountable and I avoided facing challenges in my life.

My unhealthy reaction in my anger was due to my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I use to think that being angry was healthy, not today being angry is not healthy in any way for me today.

My unhealthy reaction in my anger caused further aggression and confrontation, my anger caused people to fear me.

I want every one to be free of all fears towards me today.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA

Dave of Beckenham

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th June 2019 3:02 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Im serious LIH that you have to restrict access to money and restrict access to gadgets.

This is a very strong addiction and you have already technically allowed them into your home which is dangerous beyond words.

Its an addiction which arises out of the blue from trigger points already set in your brain. You may be feeling cheesed off again or depressed. There is a way to gamble so nothing is 100% unless you have the very strongest blocks. Your money should be controlled by someone you trust and any serious money should be in an account you have no immediate access to.

You have already proved you will try and get around gadget blocks so you can not be trusted with gadgets. Its not about treating you like a baby That is to save your life.

Keep learning what you are dealing with here. You build on your failures until you realise that you never started properly to begin with.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th June 2019 12:22 am
signalman
(@signalman)

So sorry to hear about your relapse.

Honestly I know the feeling of despair you speak of. As hard as it is - you must try your hardest now not to let those feelings of failure dictate what you do next.

Because you're clearly made of strong stuff - to get back up and out those new blocks in place shows serious mettle and determination. Man, I do admire you for that 😉

For me it was relapse after relapse and wallowing in consequent self-pity that led me back to gambling time and time again. 

Dave makes a great point though - by all means change what you're doing but we also need to looking at changing how we THINK if we are going to get the better of this.

It took me ages to work out what I was truly unhappy with in my life and what had been left unresolved. When I started working on these things I naturally stopped drinking and smoking.

Later on it dawned on me that a fair few of my relapses had been down to alcohol intake and loss of control... But I was cool with that as i had come to terms with why I'd been engaging in that behaviour in the first place and had forgiven myself for past sins...

Do you see where this domino effect can take you... 👀

It won't happen overnight of course... I'm just giving you some food for thought re how you are going to engineer this new and exciting recovery of yours 

Take care

This post was modified 2 weeks ago 3 times by signalman
ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th June 2019 12:25 am
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)

Thank you so much for the replies everyone. I listen and take all of your advice and support. I appreciate it no end. I have asked my mum to take control of my finances for now. But still have opened a bank account that can ban all gambling transaction. For me I suffer with anxiety and depression and have done since age 15. I am medicated for this and have counselling in the past, but it resonates so much that my gambling addiction came about from me not being able to deal with a lot of past trauma and emotions. The counselling I believe will help me understand why I gamble more and this is the underlying issues that needs addressing the most. Again I thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, and I wish every one of you all the best with your recoveries 🙂 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th June 2019 11:49 am
signalman
(@signalman)
it resonates so much that my gambling addiction came about from me not being able to deal with a lot of past trauma and emotions. The counselling I believe will help me understand why I gamble more and this is the underlying issues that needs addressing the most. 
Now you're talking. This is proper fighting talk. So happy to hear you talking like this.
 
Stay on this line of thinking and you have every chance of beating this and living a life beyond your wildest dreams X
 
Keep in touch.
ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th June 2019 12:02 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

Being in recovery I would learn and understand my unhealthy reactions towards people life and situations.

Each pain in me that was not healed or resolved caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Part of my recovery was to identify face each fear and understand it.

Give each fear a number out of 10.

The question to ask myself what is the very worst that can happen and am I willing to accept the very worst that can happen, once I do so the level of fear drops from 10 out of 10 to less than 5 out of 10.

It was very important to take my biggest fear on first of all.

Once we face our biggest fear on every fear after that one get easier.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA

Dave of Beckenham 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th June 2019 1:24 pm
K2
 K2
(@k2)

"but it resonates so much that my gambling addiction came about from me not being able to deal with a lot of past trauma and emotions"

 

You are blessed with some good insight there.

For many gamblers (most ?) its not about the money, the financial problems are a consequence.

We gamble because of trauma, mental health problems, stress, boredom, loneliness.

It almost becomes like the gambling is both self medicating & self harm at the same time (in my opinion anyway).

I strongly think that breaking the cycle is very important. All the blocks you have in place are just the minimum - but without them your recovery is built on sand.  Only once you break the cycle can you start to deal with everything else.

Again I'm sure you find it hugely difficult to tell your partner, however I suspect you would find immense relief if you did. It will feel like a massive burden lifted from you, and will be an important part of your recovery.

 

 

 

 

This post was modified 2 weeks ago by K2
ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th June 2019 10:25 am
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)

Thanks again for the wonderful replies. I’ve had an awful day today of feeling completely  hopeless, depressed, and numb. But I look at my kids and have a hug from them, and they give me the fight I need to keep going. It’s my finances that cause the most stress to me. Saying it’s a form of self harm is so so true!! I have thought so many times that I win and go on to blow the lot and more as a form of punishing myself. Like I deserve to feel that absolute despair. Anyway before I ramble on again I may be a compulsive gambler, but underneath it I’m not a bad person, just like all of you. We need to remember that sometimes. 

This post was modified 2 weeks ago by Liveinhope35
ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th June 2019 11:05 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

The recovery program helped me understand that abstaining from unhealthy habits was not a fight but in fact a complete surrender, the person I was fighting was myself, the person I feared facing the most was myself.

Only once I surrender completely and live one day at a time, just for today I will not gamble. It is a boundary I set for myself to no longer live in fear and escape.

Once I put a lot of time and effort in to my recovery and handed over all of my finances and started to abstain my recovery was going to become much easier.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th June 2019 4:07 am
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)
Posted by: gadaveuk

Hi

The recovery program helped me understand that abstaining from unhealthy habits was not a fight but in fact a complete surrender, the person I was fighting was myself, the person I feared facing the most was myself.

Only once I surrender completely and live one day at a time, just for today I will not gamble. It is a boundary I set for myself to no longer live in fear and escape.

Once I put a lot of time and effort in to my recovery and handed over all of my finances and started to abstain my recovery was going to become much easier.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Thanks Dave 

I most definitely will. I really want to do everything I can to stop now, and I am not expecting a magic wand like I think I previously did. The times before I have felt it wouldn’t be too hard to stop, but this time I have woken up and I know this is going to take time and effort. The debts will take years to clear, my mind will take years to clear! But like you say with the steps you need to take each day as it comes. I have already come to terms with all the money I have lost. The time I’ve lost not yet, but I know I can start a new now by looking forwards and making that time count. Thanks again 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th June 2019 10:14 am
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Patience.determination and lots of will power will be key to making life better.

This always stays with us so remember that.Just don't let it back in , it's hard but not impossible. 

Good luck.fight

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th June 2019 8:11 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

Thank you for your comments.

The serenity helps us understand we are not able to change our past unhealthy habits and consequences.

Yet we can become healthier and as we do so we understand today we are not the same person we were on day one in our recovery.

Each bet we have while in our recovery means we do not see it as us failing but more so we can learn from our last bet.

What were my triggers.

As I had given up faith and hope in myself so often in my recovery I am not willing to give up faith and hope on myself any more.

I used to think that life was boring, I used to do things with unhealthy motives.

Today I enjoy and am stimulated my life.

The most exspensive bet would have been to have lost the love of my wife and lost the love of my son.

If I see and feel am an equal to all people in the recovery then any thing they can do I can do also.

I do not take recovery lightly, I am a very dedicated person in the recovery program.

The more I give up unhealthy habits and exchange them in to healthy habits the more confident I become.

I even do talks at a recovery center every six weeks.

I get great pleasure in seeing and understanding how much the program program changes peoples lives.

I would get great pleasure in seeing your achieve all of your goals in your life.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th June 2019 10:03 am
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