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New member Hitting my rock bottom  

 
JonnyG1982
(@jonnyg1982)

£XXXXXX That’s what my excel spreadsheet says as of today. Approx £XXX per month EVERY month for 105 months straight. That’s 8.5 years. That figure doesn’t include my two trips to Vegas, which I don’t count as it was a holiday. That figure is probably on the low side to given how I was usually lenient on what my gambling spend was each night I got blind drunk. So we will call it an easy £XXXX minimum.

That right there is 8.5 years of hard work and a chunk of my mum/dad’s money (about £XXX of the money they have given me over the last 10 years). So £XXX of my own hard earned cash. GONE! Pretty much every spare penny I’ve had after my bills are paid.

I was never the brightest kid, scrapping through school & Uni. Then working for 15 years.  The fruit of my labour should be to tell my parents that even without their money I could say “Look, I’ve made it on my own and saved a massive house deposit”. They would of been so proud of me. Instead the truth would horrify them.

I feel like I shouldn’t have any secrets from my mum & dad, especially something as bad as this but I fear telling them because of the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment, knowing how disappointed and angry they would be with me, and seriously because I think it may have implications with regards to future inheritance. They would probably have concerns trusting me and now my future depends more than ever on help from them. I have money in the bank, well invested, about £XXX. This is what remains of what my mum/dad have given me. I have zilch of my own money. I live wage to wage. I could save about £XXX a month these days if I was careful but instead choose to spend it on drinking & gambling. I noticed as my wage grew so did my losses. 

Fruit machines is what i tend to play, week in week out. For the first 4 years i kind of enjoyed it despite it been an expensive form of entertainment. But for the last 4 years my drinking and gambling spiraled. The losses became too much and I started to REALLY HATE it. I changed from been a happy drunk to an angry drunk playing them. Pumping money in swearing at them and even getting physical. Bashing the buttons. In my drunken state I forgot about the embarrassment & shame I was bringing on myself. 

I also started going to the casino more often and again I changed from someone who would go and happily lose a couple of hundred but had a good time to gambling more and turning angry. Nothing directly at the dealer but would but constantly complaining about it been "Dodgy, corrupt, O what a surprise dealer has 21 again!" I would make for an uncomfortable playing partner. 

This weekend has been another £XXXish loss. Im just sick of it. Earning more than I ever have but spending most of the month in the R*d. 

I look back now and think not only have I wasted £XXXX but I’ve wasted over 8 years of my life to this disease. All that stress, worry, shame, guilt, embarrassment.  All that time I should have been out enjoying myself, treating myself to nice things like luxury goods, clothes, gadgets, holidays, saving money for a car/house, bettering myself and getting myself a girlfriend. You know, LIVING and ENJOYING life!

I feel if I don’t take action now I will ruin my life completely. To work so hard day in day out & have absolutely nothing to show for it while you watch all your mates getting married, buy houses, cars, have nice holidays, have kids etc. Their parents must be so proud and I would love to do the same for my parents but now I’ve burdened myself so badly I don’t know if I ever will. It really does make you start to have suicidal thoughts when you seem to find yourself in this ridiculous situation. I get drunk, I lose a load of money, I am really unhappy. Repeat…. Its like the definition of insanity. But somehow after 5 days of work & gym im always ready to self-destruct at the weekend. Its utter madness.

I feel ive pretty much hit my rock bottom now hence joined the site and wanted to share my story. Ive got to change. Im hoping this is the beginning of the end for my gambling problems.  Thanks for listening.

 

This topic was modified 5 months ago by Forum admin
Quote
Posted : 16th June 2019 4:32 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear JonnyG1982,

Thank you for sharing your story and experience here with us, you are taking a positive step by accessing the support of others here.

It sounds like you have been struggling with this and have had thoughts which have been concerning for you, we would encourage you to contact our helpline if you are ever feeling at risk of harm or have thoughts of suicide.

We are here to provide support and information on services you can access. Freephone: 0808 8020 133 8am until midnight every day.

We are here to help, we have counselling services you can access, and advisers you can speak with.

Best wishes,

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2019 9:31 pm
Sarah1976
(@sarah1976)

Hi  Jonny

 

i joined on Friday after 25 years of gambling.  Sometimes to ridiculous levels and having calmed down at other times.  Like you I work hard but it was to fund my habit.   My first loan was at 17 after I had learned to drive and no exaggeration to say I have lived with a loan and now credit cards ever since.  I had calmed down of late having told my partner of my debt and admitting my problem.  However I swapped gambling for an app online and spent thousands on in app purchases where you could not win money.  Convincing myself I would be spending more gambling and therefore it was ok.  I have worked hard and earned bonuses At work but all have financed debt.  It is a waste.  We don’t win and I wish I could have gone back and spoken to myself and said w*f.  You are an idiot Sarah.  But we can’t turn back time.  What we can do is hope we can stay gf.  Commit to trying.  I have been here since Friday as I spent 1700 on 2 boring sites because I have gamstop.  I want to stop.  I have been on every day, reading posts.  Joining group chats.  You are not alone.  If you have hit rock bottom, I believe by joining this site you are looking up and looking for help.  I am 3 days in but some people are years in and are inspiring.

 

if you are thinking of hurting yourself call the helpline.  You clearly love your parents and i thought about it a few years ago and what stopped me.  What if my parents found me?  How guilty would they feel that they didn’t know and would have listened.  They would have been angry and upset but they love me and have forgiven my mistakes.  You don’t want to place at their door and I get that.  Or ruin the image they have.  But talking will help.  If not ready to tell them think about counseling or GA.

 

you are here and talking and that’s a start.  Read some posts and realize you are not alone.

Good luck and take care. 😀

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th June 2019 5:54 am
bdog
 bdog
(@bdog)

Hi Jonny,

Have a read around the forum.  Read a few of my posts if you like.

I look forward to having a chat with you in the next week or so and happy to give any advice that will help.  Well done for being here.....that's the first big step.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th June 2019 6:43 pm
JonnyG1982
(@jonnyg1982)

Good evening Sarah1976 & bdog, just noticed the replies, thank you. Yep going to use this forum to read others stories, look for help & motivation.

I think I've just got stuck in this cycle of work, gym, then weekend comes & it's just beer & gambling. Looped for 8 years. I need to break the cycle. It's weird cause the thought of not gambling makes life sound less interesting but it's caused me misery for years. I know I was happy before I gambled so I surely can be after. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th June 2019 2:05 am
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)

Hi Jonny

welcome. You have made the absolute start in seeking help and I have found coming here the biggest of them all. Firstly join Gamstop and exclude from every online casino in the UK.

Then you can go into the casinos and places you normally play in person and ask them to exclude you from playing.

It’s great to contact the advisors here (who are lovely by the way) and get some counselling set up or help finding a GA meeting near you. 

I am only on day 19 of stopping so I am no expert, but I honestly can say the blocks are what are stopping me right now. 

I am in crippling debt, so whilst you are living wage to wage get the help now before you start using credit. There is time to turn all of this around. I have been on here for over a year, but had to hit bottom to finally realise this has to stop now. My mental health and even physical health is wrecked from gambling.

It isn’t an easy road, and you do have to be committed, but take one day at a time and as those days build up it spurs you on. 

There are so many inspirational people on this forum with worlds of advice and support. You can do this. Wishing you luck.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th June 2019 4:08 pm
Hullbo
(@hullbo)

Hi,

Welcome to this forum and well done for stepping in and putting yourself out there....it takes guts to acknowledge we have an issue.

Secondly as others have said get blocks in place...this has really helped me.

Thirdly try and contact you debtors and get interest frozen, explain your in a pickle and mental health is taken a bashing, most will agree some breathing space.

Then most important concentrate on getting your head sorted. Finances are nowhere near as important as getting your head straight for the battle ahead.

It's a long road for all of us...but you can beat this and good times are ahead 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th June 2019 7:24 pm
JonnyG1982
(@jonnyg1982)

Thanks for the feedback guys, The online gambling (arcade/casino) hasent really been much of an issue for me, and I already have a block in place for these . This takes 24 hours to unblock which least means when im drunk i cannot over turn it and play straight away. 

Ive barred myself from 2 of the local casinos but the other needs no membership so its difficult to get barred. Again, it does tend to be something i do less often and ive not been in over 3 months i think. 

As said, my main vice is fruit machines (pub), very sad. Placing bets on football on Saturdays games  while drinking followed going out to the pub to consume vast amount more while playing fruit machines for 2-6 hours can leave you hundreds down. You do this every weekend its really adds up. Ludicrous when you know that the machines have terrible payouts, you can only really win £100 jackpots nowadays as they never repeat so its going there to lose consistently its just a matter of how long it takes you to lose it all. The result is 90% the same lose most or all of my money and go home upset. Madness! Repeat for 8 years. 

As I like going to the pub and having tasty beers I do have the problem of running into a fair amount of machines, and it just takes 1 beer to make me feel more like gambling. Think many people have probably linked drink to gambling. Its a link i got to try break. 

5 days clean so far but not much of an achievement as I often can go the working week before breaking friday removed link Get past this weekend and ill probably ok until next thursday evening when that itch will become very itchy. 

This post was modified 5 months ago by JonnyG1982
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Posted : 21st June 2019 12:12 am
Sarah1976
(@sarah1976)

Hi Johnny.

 

yes weekends can be a temptation and I would say if you can avoid pub as well that will help.  Slots are a nightmare and how I started before escalating to online slots where you can spin for silly amounts.

can you make plans for today and tomorrow to avoid pub?  Even if it’s cleaning your car like a professional valeter or cinema for a few hours, but no booze.  Slush puppy perhaps 😂.

Or just chill in front of tv and watch a box set.  Can recommend years and years on iplayer.  It was great.  Try and stay busy Johnny.

 

take care x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st June 2019 5:24 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

The recovery program would help me understand that the addictions and obsessions were a form of escape for me.

In time I woud understand that making a decision would be a healthy boundary for me, to no longer self abuse myself or others.

In time I woud identify I was unhealthy I was not evil bad or stupid.

I was just emotionally vulnerable to facing people ife and situations.

The person I feared facing the most was yself.

I use to be completely consumed by my addictions and my obsessions.

In time I would identify that gambling was a way of me escaping how I felt with people life and situtions.

By attending meets I would relate to other people experences both healthy and unhealthy. 

I use to say that I wanted to be normal, yet over time I would understand that the refence normal is not very healthy.

I am  often asked why I attend meetings if I have not gambled for some time.

My answer is that by attending meetings I become more and more healthy.

I am a non religious and understand that any one can heal if they put lots of time and effort in to their reecovery.

My addictions and my obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Over time I would heal my hurt inner child.

Over time I would no longer want to escape my feeelings and my emotions people life and situations.

I am more stable than ever efore.

Who I am  in the meetings today is the same peron who faces all situations in my life today.

I no longer want to go against my own conscience and against spirtual values.

I no longer want people to fear or mistrust me any more.

Love and peace to evey one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st June 2019 5:51 pm
JonnyG1982
(@jonnyg1982)

Well I have the golf today and pub after but thankfully this pub has no machines in it. Few beers and then home for dinner and trying to keep it out of sight out of mind. First big test this weekend.

Hope everyone has a good one x 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd June 2019 1:47 pm
JonnyG1982
(@jonnyg1982)

Well I'll be honest, i was lucky to not have gambled yesterday. Played golf, had 7 pints and the urge became very strong. I decided to go home instead of drinking anymore but was really tempted to find a pub and play. Got home and then i was tempted to play online instead to scratch the itch. Thankfully as said it takes 24 hours to unblock me so this wasent an option. As i made it home and into bed early and started to watch tv the desire to play seemed to fade. I noticed this before, sometimes when i feel like a beer/gamble during working week as long as i can get home the feeling can subside. 

Anyhoo, 1st weekend out the way. Should be smooth sailing during next 3 days or so. Next weekend will be another test and i will really struggle. Im thinking cold turkey is going to be very hard but at the very least i want to get these losses slashed by 50% and overtime decrease further and further.

Hope everyone else had a good/successful weekend. 

This post was modified 5 months ago by JonnyG1982
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Posted : 23rd June 2019 10:02 pm
JonnyG1982
(@jonnyg1982)

Having got through the weekend unscathed i got terrible urge yesterday (day 11 gf) and stupidly while getting hair c*t had a beer and that was the only trigger i needed to find myself on a pub crawl and back to the usual routine of pumping machines and getting angry if i was losing. Made worse by the fact i didn't actually lose all that much out but had left myself unblocked online from the weekend and having not played for 9 months online tried to win money back, but left myself down a few hundred more.

Very annoyed to have been so weak again!!!

If there is any small bright light in this situation its that im so angry and annoyed with myself its spurring me to try harder. No longer do i want to be doing this. Or at least certainly not to the level im currently doing it. I have to get through this weekend and then going to go parents weekend after which will help distract me. My next target is to make it at least 2 full weeks of not playing any machine or placing any bet. 

Anyway, thanks for listening and hope everyone else doing well. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th June 2019 10:23 pm
Sarah1976
(@sarah1976)

Hi Jonny

 

you had one slip.  Don’t beat yourself up and as you said you feel angry so hopefully that will spur you on.  This weekend is probably going to be nice weather so try and busy yourself and stay out of the pub.

 

i know easier typed than done but you’re a good person and you deserve to be free of the gambling.

 

stay strong.  Stay angry if it helps.  

 

Good luck

 

sarah x

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Posted : 3rd July 2019 3:25 pm
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