Hi so I’ve noticed a pattern with my husband (I understand that it’s because of my actions in the past!), when we get paid or have money going into our account he gets really anxious and stressed! This is all new to us I’ve not gambled at all for over 2 weeks but I have tried and failed in the past twice! I know it will take time but it feels like a kick in the gut when he acts this way because I really haven’t done anything!
we have some money due into our Acc and all evening yesterday he was restless and I put it down to being hot, we got into bed and I couldn’t sleep so read on my phone for a bit, he was laying next to me so could see the screen and what I was doing (I think this triggers anxiety for him also but I didn’t realise until last night) then I stopped reading put my phone on charge and he kept waking me asking if I was ok every time he woke, so after the 5th time I said ‘yeah I’m good why do u keep asking me that?’ He started saying ‘I’ve got a feeling in my stomach something has happened so if it has just tell me, there is too much that doesn’t add up so I don’t believe you’ I started crying because I really haven’t gambled and said ‘ let me show you the bank apps to prove to you I haven’t gambled’
he was saying ‘there is other ways of doing it so that won’t prove anything’
I know I’ve broken his trust and I totally understand that when money goes into the bank he will feel a bit anxious but I’ve been totally open with him! We sit down every day and write what outgoings we’ve had that day or if anything needs to be paid we sit and pay it together and then write it in the book! After we’ve done this I’ll tell him what is the balance of the accounts so that he can keep track of money! This is for my own sanity too because my memory is rubbish!
I don’t know what else I can do, he knows I’m registered to gamstop and I’m being honest about every penny I spend but if he still doesn’t believe me what can I do! I feel like I’m being punished for something that I haven’t done nor wanted to do! When he’s like this it brings my anxiety up and I feel nervous and worry which I turns triggers urges to gamble! I’ve felt so good so far and this has just made me feel like what is the point?
This is part and parcel of being a compulsive gambler I am afraid, its not easy for you or your partner, but once the trust is gone in a relationship it takes time to earn it back.
You both need support through this time, GA have meetings all around the country (virtual ones during this time) and GamAnon have ones for family and friends who have to live with compulsive gamblers. At these meetings you will both get the support you need as although you have put some barriers in place you have not got any support in trying to change your behaviour, GA and the 12 step program will help with this.
I am just over a year bet free now, I have had relapses in the past and my partner does some times bring them up if we argue, its does hurt but she has every right to. I am responsible for my mistakes, Im not perfect but Im trying to improve as best I can one day at a time. If your honestly doing this your partner will see the change over time and slowly some of the trust will come back.
For now you should sit down with your partner and go through how you can help each other. For one thing you have registered with Gamstop so well done for that as its a great blocker and no easy thing for a compulsive gambler to do. I gave my partner access to everything to help ease the pressure as its the only way she can be sure everything is as it should be after all the lies I told in the past. She has access to my emails, so she can see any emails I get, she has access to the back account so any money going in she can move where its needed, one important one is she has access to my credit history, this shows up and borrowings or credit cards in my name. These things do not solve everything but they are a big help to easing stress.
I feel at some point your partner needs to either believe what you say or move on...end of the day your doing all you can do blocks, giving them full access to every bit information you can. If that still isn't enough at some point you going to have to think of number 1 as if there constant doubt only brings you backwards that isn't a good thing either, what happens if say 2-3yrs down the line he still not believing??. If they throw your gambling in your face at every opportunity ie when argue etc I don't think that is right or fair, like if you cheat..do you constantly remind that person at every turn, no you decided to stay with that person so you move forward with that person. Your partner is meant to support you not throw it in your face.
Well that's my view anyway. I know many won't see it as the same but that's the unique Ness of the human brain.
Either way your doing great being gf whether your partner believe you or not do it for yourself if nothing else!
Keep going forward
Libby
Why can't you just get an account in his name only and you have no access. All money can be paid into his account as well as bills paid from it. You can be given what you need when you need it as per the normal advice of not having money?
Would that give him peace of mind and help the anxiety?
Give them time, gamble free days in the bank, this will equal trust again
I agree with libby there has to be a degree of trust otherwise whats the point and I think it's a little degrading if the partner has to control all aspects of Bill's and money- I know it's to remove temptation but that's like removing all food from the household so that you dont over eat & stick to your diet- there has to be some trust both sides & no-one should keep throwing it in your face either
Keep up the good work
Hi Jadiebby.
I think some of what you are doing is fine but in recovery you do not want his full trust. Its not about treating you like a baby. Can you understand that if you have been gambling on your phone I wouldn't be particularly happy if you had your phone active at all times of day and night. Can you see his natural worries there?
His full trust is not good for you it leads to complacency and secretly your addiction wants some time in the dark shadows again
Obviously you understand that you have caused a problem so its natural that he may be on edge and a bit fearful for the future.
He needs to be showing you tough love.
The money should be going into an account in his name only as there are ways to get you money easily by fast transfers to your account or by cash
You should have the pride to realise that joint accounts are not a good idea for the safety of both of you. Your wages should be going to him directly...are you ready for that?
If you lower his anxiety with super strong blocks you can concentrate on getting on with and enjoying life
You need to find a serenity to realise having his full trust is not good for you. You should be proud in showing receipts for the clothes or petrol so you can balance the books for every pound you have had
Im going to sound tough but its because do care about you. This is all new for your brain...its dealing with this new reality that you can not gamble and people have got an eye on you. Your addiction wont like that but you are learning to heal.
Now we are not relationship counsellors but I do know this addiction kills people. It is a drug addiction and its as strong as any other serious drug addiction.
You need to keep talking it through with him. Your love for one another will see you through but you must have the strongest foundations and blocks against this addiction.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi Jadie,
Thanks for sharing your story. Speaking from a partner’s perspective, this is also very difficult for him. I love my partner so, so much but I don’t trust him with money and he knows that. He said it hurts but we learn everyday to make it work, communication is the key and we’re working on this constantly. I told him i trust him with everything else, but not with money. I told him that even though he’s not gambling anymore i still need to regularly check on everything not only for his best interest but also for my peace of mind. And i’m happy to do this for the next 50 years. We agreed that I can check on things without him having to know so i can access his Monzo bank (i got it on a spare phone, it’s brilliant cause it’s got a gambling block which you can only disable after waiting for 48hrs) and credit report on my own. I keep big savings on my account. He’s not to withdraw cash ever unless absolutely required and he will produce receipt for that expenditure. When the betting shops are open again, I will ask him to show me receipts from the supermarket so I am reassured he didn’t ask for a cashback. He thought this was extreme because his main gambling is online but he agreed eventually because i said it means a lot to me.
If you show your partner that you are willing to make arrangements like this and give him the reassurance that he needs, it might help. I know and truly believe you haven’t gambled but this is about his mental health also. He is having anxiety for what he doesn’t know, so let him know what he wants to know if you want to reduce this anxiety.
I think it's easy to understand his feelings. A lot of people may have even left but now. Clever people learn from the past and that's all he's doing. Like someone suggested, get paid into his account maybe ? Or just be patient and after a lengthy amount of time I'm sure he'll relax.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
