Back again
I watched an interesting interview with Paul Merson talking about the time he went into a pub and Arsenal fans were in there offering him C*****e. He had never taken it and refused but for the rest of the week "knew he was going back the following Saturday". The rest with him is well documented of course.
Well I can honestly say that I have experienced the same this evening. Firstly I have put in a big effort to pay off a large set of losses about this time last year and am almost completely clear on my credit cards and life is genuinely great - savings in the bank with my wife and new house.
That said, I haven't fully stopped having a flutter and had been going fairly well until this month. Nothing too major, a few hundred quid this month down but throwing thirty or forty quid here and there on a football match or a couple of horses which never landed has led to me tonight throwing the best part of £700 on roulette over a couple of spins to get back to even. Annoyingly, as per the interview with Paul Merson - I knew I was leading to it for the last week. I did it before and it didn't work, so why should it now.
That said, I feel a sense of calmness about the loss this time and genuinely believe that this can be (whilst not underestimating the effort on my part by any stretch of the imagination) the end of it.
I have been aware that I was going to press the self destruct button for a while and to be completely honest am aware that had I won on roulette tonight it would have wallpapered over the cracks and the the wasted hours in front of the TV and my phone until it eventually got me anyway.
I think it might have been the best loss of my life - I've been on this wheel for far too long now, thrown countless days away to gambling for what... it's not going to make me a millionaire, so why bother going through the stress of it all and throw my time and money away.
Time to take up the gym and golf back.up and get back to enjoying watching sport, rather than sitting with a sick feeling chasing a bet. I am in a blessed position in my life compared to many others I have read on here, so I shouldn't be so bloody selfish and throw it away.
This time, I am determined.
Hi @black10,
Thank you for sharing your experience. Lapses are a frequent part of recovery, but what you've written here is a fantastic demonstration of how they can be used for learning and turned into energy for change. An inspiration! You're showing amazing resilience and determination. I'm sure lots of other forum members will find this useful.
All the best,
Elizabeth
Forum Admin
Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing. I had very similar experiences too in the last few relapses of my gambling addiction. Now that I am nearly 2 years free, I feel that it was sort of the death throes of the addiction reaching out to try to coax me back. I had spent probably a week or more, pondering over the idea of betting. There was no impulse this time, but I recall allowing myself to water and nurture the seeds in my brain and this was a mistake. I would quietly entertain myself with the idea of gambling for days, each day deciding against it until curiosity finally won over.
I lost too and it became a very valuable lesson. Not so much because I had lost money, but because I knew I wanted to. I believe that I wanted to cement my cause of action, to prove to myself once more having gone several months without gambling, that it was still a losing game. At the time, I needed further proof I think, in order to settle down again to a quiet period without gambling. After this relapse, I did my best period gamble free. I was more determined than ever to stay on the right path and I was more annoyed with myself for thinking gambling would change than the fact that I lost money.
I stumbled an odd time after that, but my gambling was different. I had changed and my thinking had changed. Like you, there was a strange peace that came following the loss. It was like it was the desired outcome and there was no chasing afterwards, just acceptance that I was right to want to leave this behind.
I took the time to rationalise my thinking and saw that I had been allowing myself to think about gambling when the urge came. I didn't just acknowledge it and get busy doing something else. I would place imaginary bets in my mind and soothe myself with the idea of a big win. I also knew that if I had won, that it would not satisfy my desire to gamble and that the better outcome was to lose. I took this as a sign that this was what was best for me. I think that when you have been gamble free for a while, or at least been cutting back, something inside wants to let loose. You need that release and you need the risk. For me, risk was always more important than winning. It was definitely a rebellion, a self destruct. It was me saying to the world, 'look what you made me do now'. In the early days, I took no responsibility for my gambling. I gambled because I was mad or upset and let my emotions get to me.
Learning my vulnerabilities and triggers really helped me identify when a relapse was likely so I could guard against this in the future. After this loss, I seemed to be able to feel the pain of losing more. I could feel the resistance in me and I knew that my attitude to gambling was changing. I would even deposit money during a potential relapse and then stare at the roulette board, deciding that I didn't want the stress and withdraw the money back to my bank. I did this quite a few times and the security staff contacted me and thought it was money laundering or fraud! Then Gamstop came into play and removed those last dying embers of my addiction.
You are right, we have to be grateful. There are some true horror stories on here. I have lost about £45,000 all in all and I still owe £20,000 debt. The effects of my gambling are still very much with me but I am happy and content just because I know where I stand in a morning and I have stability in my life. I may have not a penny to my name, but my name is good and my word is good now. That's enough for me.
No more lies.
I didn't often bet on football but I loved the horses. My biggest losses came from roulette because of the speed of play. I would even navigate to other roulette games to play high stakes in order to chase my losses. In the end, I found it helpful to draw up a roulette wheel. The layout and numbers are tattooed on my brain. I know them by heart. This time, instead of the usual numbers, on each section of the wheel I wrote something I had thrown away on roulette. I wrote 'Christmas', 'Kid's birthday party', 'my favourite guitar', 'rent', 'kid's college fund' etc.... all the things that were disappearing because of my gambling. I have bought and sold the same things in my life for the last 8 years and always ended up having to sell them again because of my gambling. I just couldn't take it any more. I am out of this game for good. I have hardly any money left each month after paying the debt, but I am the happiest I have ever been.
There's got to be something to be said about that.
🙂 Best wishes to you on your journey.
hi black10
im slightly concerned about how lightly you are taking the problem
you mention in your post you usually spend 30 or 40 quid a week on football and then it jumps to a *** blow out on roulette
this is a big jump and would indicate the addiction is set in deeper than you think
as someone whos been around the block with this addiction i am fully aware how badly it is capable of warping your mind
ah well i dont spend much on myself anyway i can afford it
il just cut down for the rest of the month
il just stop now
better schedule some overtime in work
s**t i need this money back better get some more in
and on and on the cycle goes until your mind becomes a prune
do yourself a favour and get restrictions on every single account today, you can even block all casino elements online now you wont regret it
Hi Givemethebuzz - I agree completely and have closed accounts and put restrictions on my cards etc. I have to admit that I am surprised how calm I am about the whole thing (compared to how I have felt on previous occasions), though please don't take that as taking the problem lightly.
This time last year when I went hard on chasing the big losses, I lost sleep and was an emotional ruin with some very bad thoughts, though that still didn't put me off. I was determined to win back what I had lost at any cost and last night found myself doing exactly the same thing as I did, though fortunately caught myself at the point I pulled my credit card out. I have worked extremely hard to pay down these debts for over 12 months and last night recognised the self destructive thoughts that would put me back in the same position (luckily) just in time before I put myself in the c**P again.
It was at that point that I questioned what my objective actually was for gambling. I think I had blindly followed some train of thought that I would one day strike big, make a fortune and stop - but that simply isn't going to happen. With that in mind, why am I bothering wasting my time on it. For as long as I can remember, I have spent more time on my phone checking scores / following tipsters than being in the room and for what...?
There isn't a "profit" figure that exists in which I think I would ever walk away forever and so the question to myself was - what is the point. I have had significant wins, but I've always been behind.
Anyway, I have a calm sense of self reflection and am determined to see this through - I am not taking it lightly as I know there is going to be great temptation over the coming weeks and months as the recency effect wears off, but I am going to take it one step at a time and when I have the urge, will check back in here to remind myself of what my feelings were in my original post and carry on listening to a couple of very good podcasts that I have started listening to today.
Lost and Found - I cannot agree any more with absolutely everything you have said - this is like reading my own mind - your point about 'wanting to lose' and validation that it was a losing game really struck a chord and I think it is that validation last night that I have been talking myself into for the last week.
Thankyou so much for your post - that change in mindset comment completely resonates.
Happy to help. I understand what you are saying to Givemethebuzz and I know where your sense of calm comes from because I felt it too. You want to leave gambling behind and you want to be reminded of why you are doing just that.
Sometimes, it's actually a relief to lose and not many people can understand that because aren't we supposed to gamble for the money? Well, no, not always. I was addicted to gambling but not to winning. It was the act of gambling and immersing myself in that world that did the damage and so it was very hard to walk away even when you are losing because it still offers you that anaesthetic while you play. That's why I think when you are trying to leave gambling behind, you need more proof. You need that boost, that kick up the behind that helps you turn anger into abstinence. I had some of my biggest losses in the last few months of my gambling. I lost more in the last year of my addiction than I did in many of the other years combined. I had had enough and I wanted it to end. I wanted to hurt so badly that I never went back to it. It may sound strange to many but this was my mentality. I couldn't stop gambling and I wanted it to finish me off in a way.
In the end, I changed my mindset. I stopped being mad at gambling and got mad at myself. It worked. I admitted that gambling was not stealing my money, that I was handing it over willingly. I stopped being the victim and I learnt that I had a choice. I got out the passenger seat and into the driving seat and I took my life where I wanted it to go.
Stay strong and you will get stronger and be more able to fight the urge when it strikes. Remember, urges can't hurt you. They are just ideas. Ideas only become reality if we act on them. Next time you get the urge, acknowledge that it is normal to have them, and just get on with something else. Don't fight it or try to stifle it because this actually highlights it in your brain as something 'important and significant'. All that will happen then is your brain will keep reminding you about gambling because it thinks it is something you need to think about.
We have to work hard to change our mindset and break those connections that lead us to gamble......but we always, always have a choice.
The calm doesn't come from taking this lightly. I know that. It is from making that peace with yourself and with your mind. You are relieved because you got the answer you were looking for. Your loss has made you even more determined and you aren't so concerned about the money because it has given you a sense of direction and purpose.
It has given you that boost to carry on. You knew it would happen and it did but proving it to yourself satisfied your mind and you were at peace with the outcome.
If you never bet again, then that £700 may be the best money you ever spent. That's how I looked at my last loss and it still remains my last loss to this day! I told myself on my last relapse, imagine if this was the last money you ever lost to gambling, imagine if this is the last time you are ever going to feel this way......and it was. That's where the peace comes from.
Great things await.
Just checking in.
Almost 2 full days now without a bet and I'm feeling very at peace with it still.
Flashes of thoughts about the money lost at which point historically I usually drop straight into the "just one more bet and I can break even and walk away" but I seem to have a different mindset, almost non-plussed - why would I willingly put myself into a seriously bad situation.
I heard the tipster I follow has nailed two good days in a row from a friend and just thought "good for him" with no urge to entertain the idea of jumping on.
Working from home tomorrow which is usually classic time to get onto the horses for 5 mins of escapism, but I'm oddly looking forward to not betting.
Just checking in after my first full week GF - feeling refreshed and quite liberated.
I have had fleeting thoughts of "what if" but as I mentioned previously, I see this loss as insignificant compared to the very valuable lesson it is - I am just as determined as a week ago - cannot wait for payday in a fortnight to have some money again but also formulate my plan for squaring myself back up.
I am convinced that next month I will actually have some money left over at the end of it without gambling - let alone much more time available to me throughout the month away from my phone and betting apps.
Hi Black10,
do you mind me asking if you are registered with Gamstop, and if not , why not ?
I haven't though I should do - I have frozen all of my active accounts and turned my cards off for gambling transactions.
Don't drag your heels with Gamstop like I did. I moaned about wanting something like this for years and when it came out, I couldn't bring myself to sign up because I felt backed into a corner. I knew it would bring about the end of my gambling and my addiction fought and clawed against this idea for a few more months.
It took another hefty 3 grand loss to get me to sign up. I came off the betting site after my loss, eyes full of tears and headed straight for Gamstop. I filled in the form, got the confirmation that I was signed up and closed the laptop.
It's been nearly 2 years since my last bet.
I think the best thing about Gamstop is it removes the desire to search out places to bet. It helped to kill off my addiction and freed me up to just get on with my life.
Don't make the same mistake I did, letting go of gambling with one hand but still holding on to it with the other. As CG's, we are always trying to control our addiction, but not necessarily shut it down. We like to leave avenues open and feel backed in to a corner when we make decisions that will actually help us. Take the plunge. You won't regret it.
I haven't though I should do - I have frozen all of my active accounts and turned my cards off for gambling transactions.
I used to self exclude with individual sites for 6 months.
Trouble is, I could always open another account, re-activate an old one. I ran 2 current accounts, 7 credit cards, paypal, moneybookers, skrill.
I did this for years and years. Honestly ? I didn't want to stop, just wanted relief.
Gamstop is the only thing that worked.
It's a line in the sand & meant I was serious.
D
I think the best thing about Gamstop is it removes the desire to search out places to bet. It helped to kill off my addiction and freed me up to just get on with my life.
Take the plunge. You won't regret it.
Yep - basically enormous relief once I'd done it.
Gamstop will help immensely, I can’t underestimate how much it can stop you from gambling online.its been a fantastic help on many occasions for me.
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