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Shantel17
(@shantel17)

Hi all,

I have been gambling for around 3 years now and the amount of money I have lost over that period of time is absolutely shocking!

I like everyone else wait for payday pay only crucial bills as soon as the money hits my account. Because that way I know WHEN I lose my entire pay pack (not if) at least my important bills will be covered and I can live off beans for the entire month and not make any plans to leave the house so therefore I'll need no money.

Isn't it funny how we work 35 - 50 hours a week Purley to fund a gambling addiction. The money goes almost instantly and we sit around for the next 3 and a half weeks just waiting for the next payday to arrive so we can do it all over again. 

The more I gamble the more I realise its not about the money anymore or the buzz. When I'm losing hundreds of pounds in a matter of minutes I don't bat an eye lid and when I get a very rare healthy win I don't bat an eye lid either because I know them winnings are just 'gambling tokens'. Even when I win I just think well at least now I can gamble for longer. 

Win or lose I will not stop till every penny is gone. This is never my intention and I'll always say to myself 'last one then walk away' but deep down I know it's not my last spin and that I won't be walking away until my bank account is empty. 

Its not even fun though so why do we do it? Do you ever just sit there for hours on end losing losing losing winning losing losing losing and just think God I'm really bored! ? I have no reaction to gambling anymore I used to cry, feel heartbroken and embarrassed when I would lose a month's wage over one weekend but now it doesn't phase me. It doesn't phase me when I win or lose.

I have completely forgot the concept of money. If someone says something to me like 'I got this top it was only 30 quid' I think bloody hell that's a lot of money to spend on a top yet I will quite happily spend double that in less than 5 minutes on a slot machine.

I do want to quit not just because of money but because I'm numb to it all now. I don't get elated when I win or upset when I lose. I'm just bored even though I always go back for more. Does anyone else feel like this?

I want to remember the value of money and treat myself to a holiday or some clothes or a day out with my hard earned cash without feeling guilty about spending my gambling tokens on myself. I no longer want sit in a casino every weekend for hours on end squandering every penny I have pressing a 'start' button. 

Over the last three years I have tried everything, ordering new bank cards and scratching off the last 3 digits. Swapping I phones for androids so I can download blocking apps. Withdrawing all my money so I can't spend it all on online casinos. Joining gamban and being black listed from all online sites the list is endless I really have tried everything. But as soon I banned myself online I of course his the casinos so I banned myself from there so joined a bingo hall. Banned myself from there and joined an amusement arcade the cycle continues. I have even gone as far as getting a new bank card setting up a standing order to myself so I have enough money to live off each week and that's it along with cutting up my main bank card. But there is always a way to get around it such as Internet banking and transferring between accounts etc. 

I have just started reading the easy way to stop gambling by Allen Carr and I hope to god this gives me something to work with because I really am out of ideas now and I'm so desperate to get my life back. 

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Posted : 16th September 2019 11:07 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Shantel and welcome to the forum.

You will be numbing to it now as you have a full on drug addiction and you are going through the monotony of seeking highs but never now getting the high when you forst started.

This is because you are addicted and will never recover the money wasted. Ther sensible part of the brain realises this and gets depressed but it is being controlled by the need for any endorphin or dopamine fix

You have also created a comfort zone where your mind and body doesnt really want or know how to stop. It acts like any drug addiction.

You need to be ready for a complete born again moment when you feel a sense of relief that someone else is controlling your cash....money is no good to you now because you are not in control of your own mind.

You need to and MUST tell your family because you need help. You need to realise the sheer power of this addiction kills people to be blunt about it.

The recovery you need is NOTHING compare to what gambling has in store for you. It will destroy you and the addiction has lovely gems in store like prison, bankruptcy, isolation, homelessness and suicidal thoughts

You can get the help you need. You are not out of ideas...you havent been willing to do whats needed. You should now be on a sandwich and petrol allowance providing full receipts

Can you handle that? because you should feel relieved. If you fight that you are not ready to stop gambling

Tough words because I care about you. You dont need soft soaping on here as its about saving your life!

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th September 2019 3:21 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi Shantel.... I just wanted to say that I totally relate to what you say. I gamble in much the same way that you do. It has become deeply embeded in my habits and routines. I have put so many barriers up over the years but when I really want to gamble I always find a way and like you I am numb to it all. I think if there is any excitement at all, its in the anticipation of doing it they day before... but thats all. The actual reality of standing at a machine pressing buttons is just like following pre-programmed code, not unlike a real machine. Your not alone.

This post was modified 1 month ago by S.A
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Posted : 17th September 2019 10:14 am
Shantel17
(@shantel17)

Hi joy, 

You are right I am addicted but I am also ready to quit and I want to hence all the barriers in place. Not that they work. 

I have a serious problem but only when it comes to money I have earnt. I don't have a credit card I don't have an overdraft I have zero debt as a result of gambling which even shocks me.

I am not secret about my gambling. My family know and my best friend knows the extreme. 

As for being depressed I'm not. I'm not depressed or down or sad I'm just so BORED. Yet I can't help but do it. 

The saddest part for me is I am SO happy when I have no money. When I squandered a months worth of wages the weekend I had such a massive relief when I took that last spin because that was it and I knew I didn't have to come back to this part of my life for the next 3 weeks. 

I'm not happy or depressed or anything when I'm doing it however I am extremely happy and relieved when I have nothing left therefore don't need to think about it for the next however many weeks. Yet as soon as I have money I am right back there doing the same thing month after month.

I have done this every month, with pretty much ever penny of my wages without fail for 3 years solid.

As I said I have tried pretty much everything I can think of but the issue is I will ALWAYS find a way to get to my own cash. I know all my card details off by heart, there is online banking, you can transfer money through banking apps you can change cashpoint settings which is what frustrates me. If I put them cards in someone else's name I will remember my other card details. If I give them to a responsible person I'll know one phone call and I'll have another bank card in 3 days. I clearly have zero willpower to stop but that's not because I don't want too.

Although.. I opened a new savings account yesterday that you have to give 95 days withdrawal notice and under no circumstances can you touch your money without giving that notice so going forwards I will be leaving myself with very limited money and every other penny will be going into this savings account on every pay day through standing order. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th September 2019 6:08 pm
Shantel17
(@shantel17)

I couldn't agree more. 

The only excitment I get is when I'm driving to the bingo house or the casino to get my fix. 

As soon as I get to the slot machine the excitement has gone. 

I hit jackpot twice the weekend and my facial expression didn't change once there was Zero happiness.

There was an older lady stood next to me playing on 25p stakes as opposed to my maximum stake and she couldn't believe it she was so much more excited for me then I was because I knew I wouldn't be taking it home and it would just give me another hour in front of the machine.

As soon as all my money ran out I got in my car put on my favourite song and sang my way home because I was HAPPY. I was happy that I didn't have to go back there again and waste money, feel miserable, bored etc. I was just happy that I get to home and not even have to think about gambling for the next however many weeks.

But.. As soon as I have ANY money the Only thing I can think of is squandering it on the slots. I would never even consider buying myself anything with it because then I can't give it to the slots? Lol its like deep in my mind I feel like owe it to the slot machines or something. Its absolutely crazy. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th September 2019 6:14 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Yes I was just putting it simply as and opener. It is a highly complex addiction in the way it works.

You keep talking about positives of having no debt but I see nothing positive in blowing your monthly money away. These are classic syptoms of creating a comfort zone like you can ride this out as you are. you tell me how sensible you are with credit but its all overridden by the fact you are a compulsive gambler. I was the same. It took me 10 months after joining the forum to do anything effective about it

it is a crazy addiction because its a delusional illness. You sound intelligent by correctly analysing it. You know you wont be walking away but you just seem resigned to your fate like you can never give up.

If I was your family member and I had your money paid into a safe account, how would you get it?. I would just transfer what you needed for a living allowance to your account. It would be obvious to me if you were gambling but the point is you could only blow the small allowance leaving the rest safe.

You see that only works if you are genuinely ready. If you came screaming and crying that you wanted all your money back now, nobody could than help you

If you didnt provide receipts for an outfit you needed or expenses I would know you were up to something. Yes you need to be monitored and you dont really seem ready for whats needed.

I feel the addiction is just making excuses because you dont seem to understand how you cash could be properly be witheld and drip f*d to you as you really need it

Your wages would be paid into safe account and you couldnt order cards to get at it because that account would not be in your name...teh account in your name would have a very low balance in it

The other big question is why are you bored? I feel what you really mean is nothing quite gives the expectation rush that gambling does.

I was depressed and I was also jaded with life...thats what boredom is really beacause there are plenty of things to do that are wholesome and fun

We have all experienced this addiction so we do understand. Obviously you need your money to live on so gambling is the road to complete destruction.

How have you been getting by? We need to know more about you and whether you have had any food in the cupboards. I was suicidal when I walked home so I dont really understand how you could be happy all the money had gone..unless it was a sort of who cares anymore coping machanism that the mind uses to shut out pain...were you happy just to pretend this was causing you no pain financial or otherwise?

How have you been living because there are no upsides to problem gambling.

Best wishes

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th September 2019 7:13 pm
Shantel17
(@shantel17)

Hi joy, 

Please don't take this the wrong way I as I respect your posts and your options however.. 

You don't know me..

1st of all I don't 'keep' talking positively about having no debt. I simply mentioned that I'm lucky in some ways to have not racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt unlike millions of people with gambling addictions. 

Secondly I am not intelligent and regardless of how I analyse the situation I fully admit I do have a gambling addiction there is no making excuses or trying hide it. 

Thirdly you are not ready for whats needed and you're making excuses? I have not made a single excuse for anything. I have come on what I believe to be a support forum to express my situation, to express all the barriers I have put in place yet failed and to express how gambling makes me feel.

In answer to your big question I am bored I am completely and utterly bored. Maybe you clearly never felt like this but it doesn't mean there's something wrong with me feeling like this. 

Just to make it clear.. I have been through the depression, I have been through the crying every day and feeling lower than low. I have been through the highs and buzzing of gambling which are very rare and I have been through the lowest of lows. I have tried to quit on several occasions and even have recovery diaries within this forum of my progress but ultimately I have failed which brings me back here. 

If I didn't want to stop why would I have put so many barriers in place to help me quit? I'm black listed from every only casino on the Internet. I have took out different bank accounts in order for me not touch my main account where my money is. I have c*t up that many bank cards I have lost count. I have swapped 700 phones for 100 pound android phones in order to get blocking software BUT all you have to do is hit the rest button and its gone. I am now reading a recognised book to try and help me. I have opened a savings account I cannot touch or transfer to try and stop myself from using any of it on slot machines.

If I didn't want to quit I would not have done or I would not be doing any of the above.

Oh and as for being sensible for not having credit? How am I sensible? I have absolutely no life because I completely P**s all my wages up the wall every single pay day weekend. That is not something a sensible person does.

As I said I have been through every emotion going trust me. But I have become that numb to this I have become bored. Yet I still do it. Just like a lot of gambling addicts out there. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th September 2019 8:02 pm
S92
 S92
(@s92)

Hi Shantel, 

I 100% understand the feelings of gambling boring you & the excitement of the anticipation of having that money being paid into your account to do so, until you doing it. I also believe that although you spend all your money on gambling and leave yourself with nothing, I think that’s the reason why you don’t feel the regret & quite happy on your way home, because it’s your money and you know once it’s gone it’s gone, you won’t continue until next month. I was like that when I could control myself like that, even when I did spend it all. The regret started when I started using credit cards and maxing them out, knowing I had no chance of paying them off and realistically it wasn’t my money. So you should feel confident you can beat this addiction coming out of all this debt free and have an amazing future. 

I think what’s really helped me (apart from how destructive my metal health was, the debt I was in and the pain I caused my family) is determination, I’ve never had anything to really focus on to think - I need additional money for that. I plan to get married, I want another child and i NEED to save money to do that. The only way I can do that is to stop gambling. I spoke to GamCare & they said give yourself a positive distraction - so I got my self excited at the prospect of saving and how much I could save per month and what I was going to do with it, how proud I would feel and started envisioning my future and what I could achieve and that brought back some excitement I hadn’t felt for a while & it’s not left me, I’m literally excited everyday and I’m annoying everyone (in a good way) but I think they would rather that than the suicidal thoughts I was having 3 2 weeks ago due to gambling & debt. 

Sorry for the essay, I think what I’m trying to suggest is maybe a determination for you, a financial focus to get you excited. Sounds like a great plan with the new bank account you’ve set up! & for coming on here too! 

Hope this helps in some way & I wish you all the best! 

S x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th September 2019 10:51 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Thanks. Yes keep talking on the forum and you are absolutely right in that I dont know you and I am over generalising just to bring more out of you.

Its good that you feel a bit miffed with me because I dont always express myself clearly and I dont take it the wrong way.

The steps you have taken are good ones and I am being harsh on you. Im just trying to get at why you have c*t so many cards up and how hard it is to stop. 

I didnt really mean that you are talking too positively...theres just a tendency with all new joiners including me to talk about having a good job or being in no debt...Im just trying to get over that there are no upsides or balancing factors to problem gambling because I know of no other addiction that takes away money so fast.

I understand the boredom. I have actually yawned while playing and I ended up playing to lose.  Totally bored with it, but hitting the button more and more rapidly and feeling compelled to play. As you know it wasn't about the money. The science behind it is that losing gives a similar "hit" or feeling if you like but its also to do with trances, zoning out and wanting to experience any emotion other than the grey streets outside. 

Its a split mind thing. One part of me was thinking get the hell out of here but it was rapidly overcome (the moment I walked in to be honest) and I couldnt help myself

Do the exercises...try and explain a full gambling session to a non gambler and it will be awkward...it like telling them that you have seen aliens at the bottom of the garden because they wont fully understand what drives you.

Yes I think you do want to quit but its an addiction that wont let go easily. I will rub you up the wrong way by saying blocks you can easily bypass are not blocks. Thats because Im not just talking to you...Im talking to your addiction which controls you..

So moving forward you need the strongest of blocks because as you well know blocking one phone and getting another does not add up to effective blocking.

Im not having a go believe me. Im just trying to get over that the foundations and a born again moment have to be rock solid. You mention that you are still an active gambler so naturally Im coming in tough by saying the sheer power of this is more than reading a book or opening accounts yourself.

Ideally you need to be monitored by someone else and report to someone else. You seem reluctant on that...am I wrong?? Its not about treating you like baby...its about removing all tempation even if it means cold turkey.

I tried to explain thet this must be treated like a drug addiction. Some people are not comfortable with this being called a drug addiction but thats what it is in my view and that of medical experts

So yes you are taking some good steps and I do come over as harsh because I dont soft soap the issue and it makes you think that this isnt all about just saying there there and take care.

Best wishes to you

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th September 2019 5:34 am
Xenedra
(@xenedra)

I totally get the boredom!!!!

seriously! 

I was exactly the same! Win or loose, no different. I sat on the sofa, won 5 figures and didn’t even flinch. I knew it would be gone. (And it was) I also hated sitting down to gamble. I knew it was a waste of my time, my life, money everything. But I was drawn to it. 

I got to a point where I would even put my phone up on the arm of the chair and put the game on auto. 

Iv now broken free (Gamstop is an actual life saver as I can’t go out in my local area to gamble due to my job) and I get my kicks elsewhere (started horse riding!) 

il always be an addict. But life is better now....

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th September 2019 9:30 pm
Shantel17
(@shantel17)

Oh god I was worse before gamban was Introduced. I used to go into the toilets at work and sit on slots. I used to sit on slots in my car at lunch time and worse than that I even went as far as putting my phone in my phone holder and whilst driving home from work I would have the slots on auto play. 

YES the slots online would get very boring! I wouldn't even allow a full spin I used to turbo mode everything and then press my screen because even turbo mode wasn't quick enough I could lose a hundred pound on pound spins within a couple of minutes if that.

Now I look back I think was I even playing to win or just for the sake of it?

After gamban was introduced I was free for a couple of months (well so I thought) until I walked past a bingo hall one day and it had a massive sign outside saying SLOTS.

I was right back to square one. At first it was kinda fun and because the people in there where doing the exact same thing I didn't feel the sadness and embarrassment I felt when doing it alone. The fun soon wore out and now I sit there bored out of my brain day dreaming. Yet I always go back. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th September 2019 7:38 pm
Shantel17
(@shantel17)

Hi joy, 

I appreciate your honesty and harshness and I understand why you come across the way you are. 

I am gonna do all I can to kick this habit trust me. 

Hopefully I'll be back in a few months with a new clean mindset. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th September 2019 7:40 pm
Shantel17
(@shantel17)

I'm so glad you're doing well and you're on the up.

 

I am desperate to save. I literally crave to own my own house and I would have owned one by now if it wasn't for this crappy addiction. 

I'm gonna try my best to make my dream a reality. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th September 2019 7:41 pm
Makeorbreak81
(@makeorbreak81)

I really relate to you Shantel

I used to be inconsolable in the past when I lost my months wages in 12 hours, but now I guess I am so used to it I don’t even expect anything else. I used to love the slots, but like you now I play and mostly lose, and have no feelings at all! 

Well done for coming here. I am new here too, but also trying to stop for the 100th time. I hope we can all support each other to now stop once and for all

much love 

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Posted : 25th September 2019 3:14 pm
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