I use to think that gambling controlled my life, I use to fear being honest, I did not understand how unhealthy I was or how emotionally vulnerable I was.

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gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

I am a compulsive gambler and I am a anon religious person.

It was a long time since I walked in the recovery program, I am a very slow learned.

My attitude I am here now fix me, really are you serious.

The recovery program was all about healing the hurt inner child in me, yet I could only heal that which I was honest about.

You reach the text time and time again and question if this is working for you.

Then you cross the line and give up talking about money or my unhealthy habits and start talk about how vulnerable you are.

Each time I went back to gambling was not the time to beat myself up, it was important to understand my last emotional trigger.

So clean time grows from single days to weeks and then months and then years.

Now I am nearly 30 years clean, yet is not gambling mean you are completely healed.

Sadly it took me over 20 years to even understand what recovery was for me.

As the years go by you get to recall how you use to talk to your self, in saying I have to, I will show you, you got to be kidding, are you mad, how could you do that to me, why me, no way hozay.

In my recovery I would get to understand my unhealthy reactions were not healthy for me or my relationships.

Later in my recovery I would understand that I did not know how to love or what love was, now I understand that love is giving of your self unconditionally, giving of your self and expecting nothing back in return.

One day I was by the road, a man stopped and sked if I needed help, wel we got the car running I put my hand in my pocket to show my appreciation, he asked what are you doing, I explained I wanted to show my appreciation, he said no I helped you because i wanted to. 

I am thinking he is nuts and I am normal.

Later on lady stopped by the road I asked if she needed my help, she told me she was out of petrol, with out hesitation got petrol tank out of my boot and started to fill her tank, she told me she had to give me money, I told her I did not ask for money, she said if I do not give you money I will feel guilty.

There was a good chance she thought that she was normal and that I was the odd one.

How many times in my life did I feel guilty and there was no reason to feel guilty.

Seeing a police car do I feel guilty.

When I asked in to the office do I feel guilty, what have I done wrong, is that any way to live you life.

When I was getting a pin for time clean I felt like I felt guilty, or not worthy.

One day a person said do you think the birthday is for you, I said yes, he told me that my birthday was for me to show the meeting gratitude and appreciation as I would have not been able to achieve my recovery with out those people, or be the person I am today with out them.

I have lost count of how many times there were the light bulb moments when you finally understand and got it the meaning about  some thing you have heard time and time again.

The meaning hind was more clearer than any other time in your life.

When I say I am at the meeting that night and it has nothing to do about money or gambling, it has very thing to do about wanting to be more healthier than any other time in my life.

I did not have the patience to read all of the sharings, I wanted to hear therapies live.

In people sharing I would get more understanding how recovery worked for me.

In people sharing I would see and feel my self in those people both the healthy and the unhealthy.

Yet one thing was clear if they can achieve so much more with their life so can I, their goals became my goals.

My goals are not based up on being perfect, not at all, my goals are based on ;earning from my mistakes and errors.

I would say that trying to be perfect is not healthy.

I would say that daily learning and progress in motivation is healthy.

So recovery helps us all abstain, yet abstaining is only the start of our recovery, abstaining helps us cause our self more pains and fears.

Recovery is about a healthy healing process, is it possible to heal while we are still causing our self more pains. I do not think so.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

 
Posted : 9th April 2022 10:17 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posts: 2156
 

What I like about you Dave L is that you have the depth and understanding to get to the heart of the matter. I hope people are reading your words and getting an idea of how complex and deep this addiction is.

Best Wishes to everyone on the forum

 

 
Posted : 11th April 2022 8:01 am

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