Please anything... Im so down I am almost shutting off. I have yet again relapsed. Last time was 2 months ago. I have been on and off since october last year. I have 2 months gf at a time it seems. In 2 days I lost *pounds. I just dont get it. Why do I keep doing it? It started with a * pound deposit. I was up * pounds. But after I lost that I kept going back for the action. It never is about the money. When I was at the * pound mark loss, I started to think "Its too late to get it back now, you are digging a deeper hole". Still after that rational thinking I just f*****g could not stop. Im a full time student, and it hurts so much now because of this. I need to focus on my studied, not destroying my mental state with gambling. Im shaking. Its a lot of money for me. Luckily I have still * pounds in my account. Im getting a job soon. I need to move out soon, but I honestly think I cant. What will I say to my friend which has been waiting for ever. f**k my life. I cant buy gamstop as I dont live in the UK. I feel like I am done forever, but that is the case everytime when I hit rock bottom. I feel like I know the gambling trap and totally understand it, but still something is pulling me in. This addiction is the worst. I feel like I wanna cry. Please, someone give me some words I can chew on...........
Dear @lowsx100 ,
So sorry to hear you are going through a tough time at the moment and that you have relapsed. Please do not give yourself such a hard time. As other members on here will confirm, relapses are common and unfortunately at times can be part of the recovery journey.
Quite often, gambling is not about the money but like you say, you feel like you are being pulled in. It sounds like it happens in 2 months cycles. Do you get your student loan every 2 months? Maybe having this money in your account is a possible trigger. Or can you think of something else that creates this cycle and triggers your gambling?
Even if you are not in the UK there are options for blocking software worldwide, please have a look here: https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/blocking-software/
I would also recommend that you contact the student support at Uni, see if you can get some counselling to help you cope with the emotional fall-out of your recent relapse. What makes having a gambling problem more difficult is if we feel we can’t talk to anyone about it.
Please also keep posting and sharing and you can also attend our communal Chatrooms, 1PM and 8PM GMT.
Hi I am sorry to hear your struggles, I have been there and tried to stop and failed time after time. I think for me the barriers GameStop / self exclusion mean on the days I might think gambling I can’t and time moves on. Barriers are the key, and I have looked at my gf days as my proud achievement. The number doesn’t matter as long as tomorrow it is one day bigger. Day 1 is the same achievement - you can do it!
I feel your pain and I'm 100% in the same boat as you. Just know you are not alone in this. The fact that you're reading about it, have acknowledged it as a problem and are on here shows that you care about yourself and have faith that you can change. That's why I'm on here too.
Keep writing on here and try not to beat yourself up. See this as a process not a quick fix. You're still young by the sounds of things - even better that you are addressing this now before you turn 30, like me, and have a mortgage and bills to pay.
Self-exclude, start focusing on what you want and don't chase the losses. Keep strong my man.
Thanks for the kind words, dandelion.
I just need someone to talk to but I just cant bring myself to do that... At least not right away. Im a coward.....
Im sitting here feeling like a loser with all my confidence and happiness vanquished. Gambling disgusts me. Cant believe I relapsed again. Every relapse hurts more.
We just cant win. If we win, it goes back in. If we lose, we chase. Its a destructive pattern, an illusion.
I want you to consider something, from reading your posts and from my own personal experience.
I believe sometimes we gamble so we can hate ourselves, it’s like a form of self harm and destruction that we actually get off on doing this thing to make ourselves hate ourselves more.
Unfortunately there is no magical pill or therapy or way to make someone stop gambling, even at times support can be like water off a ducks back.
It takes one of the hardest (but best) things to do, which is you pick a day to stop. You make a commitment to yourself. From this day you quit, you come here and report back or keep some kind of journal of each day. You treat every day individually.
It’s never too late to start again, it’s never too late to quit. Money is nothing, in your life you will make that money back via work.
But your life, your wellbeing, your self confidence. Isn’t stuff you can make back at all or so easily.
I understand you clearly have low self confidence, I do too. But gambling doesn’t help us fix this issue that needs addressing. It makes it worse.
Pick your day. Commit. And if right now you hate yourself too much to even care to do it for yourself. Find someone, some reason, anyone and anything to do it for.
I totally agree, Lola. Its so odd that when Im feeling very good or at least when my mind is at ease, I turn to gambling to punish myself. It feels as we do it because we can "afford" to be a little miserable now while our mood is at an advantage.
Going to bed now. Feeling disgusted, but Im tired.... I am now a non gambler. Just cant stop thinking about the huge loss I had. Never been in debt though. Will NEVER be. I am never going to own a credit card. 2000 pounds may seem like little money, but even 100 pounds is a lot considering you are throwing it in the bonfire... We chase because of this, and also because the dumb "excitement" is over. Its no excitement, its sheer torture and slavery... Anyway, thanks for the reply. It feels a little better to talk to someone at least.
Just wanted to let you know, I attended a GA meeting for the first time yesterday. The experience was unbelievably powerful for me and I highly, highly recommend you attend one close to you. Being in a room with vulnerable people, who are open and non-judgmental is so powerful. It gave me a real sense of strength and unity I felt I was lacking.
Look up where your local meeting is and seriously consider going -- took me about 3 months to muster up the courage to attend, but now that I have I can't wait to get to the next one, to share and to start working on the defects to my personality that caused me to get into this situation in the first place.
Massive respect that you went to a meeting. Strangely I did the same on the same day. It's good being around people who understand. Money comes and goes, it's an illusion really. Whether you spend it on drugs, clothes, alcohol, gambling or shopping, one way or another it will disappear. Then there is the type that save, save, save and drop dead before the get to spend it. Never chase your losses, accept that it's gone. I look at it that I have had some entertainment and that comes at a cost. Sure, I've been at rock bottom in my life too many times but the pain soon passes. Get the blocks in place and make it as hard as possible to gamble. Get as much support as you can. We're not alone in this. In the future you will be able to simply re-program your brain. These days we just have to suffer.
All the best