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I hate myself  

 
Hannahj
(@hannahj)

Really starting to feel like I hate my self and don’t want to be here anymore. I’m struggling so much with thoughts and I just can’t stop them. I have a supportive partner but even that didn’t help knowing he is. I want him to leave me because of it and he won’t, he just keeps saying we will get through this and i know deep down we can get through anything but this is just something I don’t want to put on him anymore I feel like he deserves a lot better than what I’m giving him. I’m currently pregnant and due in September and I feel like I will never be a good mum and I want him to take her away from me. I just feel so helpless.

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Posted : 18th June 2020 7:53 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Well for one your partner love's you

You've got a bundle of joy on the way and I'm sure if you get help and putt blocks in place you've got to believe you will come out the other end.

Honestly you've got to give your self a chance with help, good luck and I wish you and your family all the best in the future 

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Posted : 18th June 2020 10:05 pm
MythDunk
(@mythdunk)

Please do not under estimate how lucky you are to have a partner that wants to work through these tough times with you. There will be many reading your post that have lost their loved ones through their stupidity in gambling. I know you feel so low about yourself at the moment that you think your other half is too good for you and you don’t deserve him but those feelings really are related more with how you feel about yourself rather than your relationship. He wants to stand by you so respect his wishes and work with him to resolve your issues.

I truly believe that anybody can beat this illness if they are genuine and have the will power to do so. Your forthcoming baby (congratulations by the way) is a wonderful reason for you to turn things around.

i know I am making assumptions but it sounds as if you are a lot younger than me. You’ve made some terrible decisions and set yourself back from where you would have wanted to be but turn this into a positive, you have the rest of your life to turn things around and enjoy being here and enjoy sharing your life with your family.

i don’t know your story but the most positive thing you could have done right now, you’ve  done, you’ve come to GamCare and you should feel proud of yourself that you made that bright decision. We are all here to support each other. Please don’t hate yourself and start loving yourself.

This post was modified 4 weeks ago by MythDunk
ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th June 2020 11:02 pm
Hannahj
(@hannahj)

Thankyou 

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Posted : 18th June 2020 11:49 pm
Hannahj
(@hannahj)

Thank you so much I appreciate your reply and wise words 

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Posted : 18th June 2020 11:51 pm
Amzer
(@amzer)

Give yourself a break, you're pregnant during a pandemic struggling with a gambling problem, if that isint stressful I don't know what is.

If you choose to be an addict then sure maybe you deserve to feel this bad about yourself, but you didn't choose. It's an illness and the up side of is this illness in particular is that you can go cold turkey safety. You have so much to look forward to with your little one coming. 

Money will come again, you need to decide that you're worthy of happiness and you need to help yourself by getting help and putting blocks in place. 

You can do it and you can use the strength you'll gain from this to help your little one live a happy life.

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Posted : 19th June 2020 2:37 am
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Hope you have the life you deserve Hannah as I said yourse are more likely to through it as a pair than on your own but yes I forgot the 3 off you whenever he or she pops out. Don't be too down on yourself 

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Posted : 19th June 2020 6:36 am
Muststop123
(@muststop123)

Hi Hannah

I understand where you are coming from with your thoughts but please, just be kinder to yourself. It is not healthy for you or your baby and will not help you in your recovery from gambling. 

I had similar thoughts when I initially had a problem with gambling. For several weeks after confessing to my wife (who was also supportive like your partner) I genuinely loathed myself to the point I hated being in my own company. Then after a couple of weeks my wife said to me that she felt like she was being punished for a third time. I hurt her when I lost a chunk of our savings which she forgave for, I hurt her even more by the lying and secrecy involved in not being able to come to her earlier when I started having a problem which again forgave for and then finally I was punishing her by being so unhappy the whole time. She was having to deal with her own emotions and upset about what I had done to her and at the same time live with a miserable and unhappy husband who for whatever reason she still loved and did not want to see so low. 

I am not suggesting you can turn a switch and suddenly start feeling better about yourself but you do need to start forgiving yourself. You are not a bad person, just someone like most of us who got into a bad situation. You need to take responsibility for what you have done but that does not mean you should live in the misery of your past. 

Have you considered or had any counselling? I found it hugely beneficial. Just the process of having someone ask why you think or believe something helped me dispel some fairly unhealthy thought processes I had probably been carrying around most of my life. 

Take care of yourself and your growing family.

Muststop123

 

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Posted : 19th June 2020 10:06 am
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