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R85
 R85
(@r85)

Hey, I'm just another example of a life destroyed by gambling. The effects have left my life in ruins and just pointless with no hope for the future. If I never gambled again I will still be paying gambling debts until I'm an old man. I don't earn that much despite working 50-60 hours a week and all my wages go towards my debts.

As the title says, how are you supposed to cope mentally? I'm just in a constant cycle of anger, shame, regret, depression, anxiety, etc, all the time and all at once. I have turned into a person that no one wants to associate with. I've become someone I never thought in a million years that I would become. Hopeless and depressed with no self respect or confidence. I literally have zero confidence. I have nothing to  be confident or hopeful about. As I'm nearly 40 and with no possibility of improving myself/my circumstances, my desire for my own family in the future seems impossible or at least very unlikely. Due to my state of mind, my finances, my job, my living situation (back with parents), my confidence etc, I am literally incompatable. I don't know how to deal with everything mentally. I haven't even driven a car for 8 years as i can't afford the payments. 

The crazy thing is, and this shows how bad my gambling problem is, on many seperate occassions I have won enough to be able to pay off my debts and buy a car, something which has been depressing me and having a negative impact on my health, and yet each time instead of doing that I continued to gamble and lose it all! Unfathomable eh! On one occassion I won a years wages only to lose it all. How am I supposed to accept this considering my current circumstances? I do extra shifts at work to enable me to afford food etc, only to gamble and lose it! Again unfathomable! I might as well not have bothered doing the extra shifts. This has also happened so many times. How am I supposed to accept that I've been doing 50-60 hours work a week for over 15 years and yet I have nothing to show for it except for debts? The majority of it gambled away!

I just really don't know where to go from here or what to do because even if I never gambled again, my future seems hopeless. No one wants to associate with me, I have no friends anymore, single with no compatibility, no car, debts, living with parents, I used to be such a happy, caring, empethatic, enthusiastic and driven person. I used to love life and every minute of it. People just don't recognise the person I've become and more importantly, I don't recognise myself anymore. I feel so down and out. All due to gambling. 

Thanks.

Ryan

Quote
Posted : 27th July 2019 5:31 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi @R85,

Weclome to the Forum and thank you for your post, we hope you find the community here supportive and helpful.

If you would like some direct support and advice from us, GamCare operates the National Gambling HelpLine. Advisers are available seven days a week from 8am – Midnight on Freephone 0808 8020 133 or via web chat. Do call if you ever feel the need.

 

Best wishes,

 

Forum Admin

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th July 2019 10:20 am
bdog
 bdog
(@bdog)

Hi Ryan and welcome,

At the risk of sounding patronising, well done for being here. That’s the first step to recovery.

Have a read around the forum (read some of my posts if you like) and you’ll get a feel for what’s working for various people. Give the phone line a call too. Don’t be too proud to do it.

Getting blocks in place has been crucial for me and has allowed me to move forward. 

Keep posting, Keep talking. Try the group chat? Lots of good people here who are or have been in similar situations. You’re not alone mate.  Have a look around and speak soon. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th July 2019 11:07 am
sardo122
(@sardo122)

I can relate to part about the future being hopeless, even if everything else went well from now on. Not sure if your debts are higher, but I'm also pushing 40, live with parents and work a job (I don't like) to pay off debts accrued from gambling. No chance of moving out at the moment. I don't know about you, but I feel I'm way behind and it's too late to catch up. All I see ahead is working, paying off debts and middle and later old age. Drinking a lot at the moment. Don't even have the option of suicide either as one of the loans I have is in a relative's name so they'd have to pay it, which is unacceptable.

The gambling losses I have tend to come in binges - sometimes I'll build it up slightly, lose slightly, then start betting bigger until I've blown everything again trying to 'get back to where I was'. Often times, the only thing that makes me stop is the online casinos rejecting my card. And then come the next few days/weeks cursing myself.

Hope you figure something out, I'm trying to do the same.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th July 2019 1:21 pm
sjw
 sjw
(@sjw)

Hello Ryan,

Welcome to the forum. Its a horrible addiction that takes everything from us. Money, time, self worth, even losing contact with friends and family. 22 months ago i was were you was. It was only once i'd ran up all the credit i could get hold of (including dragging family into my list of creditors) that i was forced to do what you are doing now, looking at what had happened over the last 10 years.

It was a total mess. 11.1k debt, gambling since i was old enough to play fruit machines,  i moved online as soon as i was 18 and there i sat, either on my phone or PC staring at a screen for 11 years. I lost touch with ALL friends. I was regularly awake for 2 days straight gambling, off to work then gambling when i got home until i crashed out. I became a loner, didn't like my job and would often be facing a full time job knowing the night before i'd lost a week, 2 weeks even a months money, all on credit with no sleep the night before. Its hard to love that person and thats what you think of the you now.

You're at the bottom (if you make this the bottom, it can get worse). Its not going to look good. Your addiction doesn't want you to work recovery. It will convince you the only way is to carry on as you are. Its going to be tough but if you take action you can stop. Things aren't going to change over night, but you can turn your life around. Reach out for help and people will offer it. Get blocks in place, hand over finances, get counselling. Look around the forum at what works for people and apply it to your situation.

Time moves fast and will pass you by if you let it. I lost all that time to gambling and, of course a lot of money. Since i have stopped i have a new job with a pay rise, i have SO much more confiedence, i've been abroad this year, am moving into another rental next month for a higher rental fee with no worry about money and have my net worth down below a total of -£1k (i haven't paid all the money i have saved off my debts yet). I've worked recovery and i've learnt so much, i am such a better manager of money now (very savvy, but i say careful). I don't feel the need to waste money, i have what i need and the rest i can plan for tomorrow. Once you realise your real worth you will find better and pay things off faster but you have to stop gambling!

Start by taking control becasue your issues are there whether you choose to carry on gambling or not and things wont change until you do. More time will pass and you will wish you made the change now, so do it!

All the best.

This post was modified 3 weeks ago by sjw
ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th July 2019 9:10 pm
Phoniex1
(@phoniex1)

Hi Ryan I just wanted to say well done for explaining how u feel very brave and for being here I would just like to say sometimes mentally things can be to much for us to cope with alone and that's when we need to speak to someone for abit of extra help your so angry with yourself I think you could be missing out on the fact you no u have to stop and u joined here..u still have a life to live it's not over so good luck I hope u do it 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th July 2019 12:56 am
R85
 R85
(@r85)

Thank you to everyone for your responses and for the support. Firstly Sardo, unfortunately it sounds like you are in a similar situation to myself which is awful. I completely agree about being way behind mostly everyone else and it being too late to catch up. It's a really horrible feeling. It makes me feel like a loser and causes all sorts of mental problems. I feel so embarrassed and no one understands. This leads to anxiety and nervousness. I also don't have the option of suicide simply because I couldn't put my family through it. Also, I still dream, although very unlikely, that things will get better. Deep down I love life and want to make the most out of it but circumstances and my situation currently make this impossible and I can't currently see a light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway thank you again. I also hope you figure something out.

Sjw, thank you for the advice and im glad things are better for you now. You have given me a little bit of hope. Im just really struggling  with the mental side of things. How to accept the hopeless situation I'm in? How to start rebuilding my life when I don't have any money each month? How to accept working 50-60 hours a week just to pay gambling debts? I want to start driving again but can't afford to! Have i ruined any chance of my own family? How do I begin to start improving my reputation when I have gambling debts, no car, and living back with parents when im nearly 40? How to rebuild my confidence and self esteem when it's at an all time low and when I literally have nothing to be confident about? Like i mentioned in my original post, no one wants to associate with me and I often see people talking about me behind my back. They probably just don't understand.

Thanks again,

Ryan.

 

This post was modified 3 weeks ago 2 times by R85
ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th July 2019 2:34 am
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Ryan I’ve read through everything you have put, first of all many many of us have had and are going through exactly the same ok, you amongst friends.

So what do you do...?

STOP GAMBLING, number one thing, put blocks in place Gamstop etc will stop you from gambling online.This is the toughest part of the journey make no mistake about it, *** this and you can have a life.....STOP GAMBLING

 

Do the above and things then WILL get better.

The debt, ok , you can’t ignore it....how much do you owe? I owe over £20k still.

i have a plan, all debts are listed, I pay what 8 can afford equal to my pay, they HAVE to accept that ok.

Option of bankruptcy is there by the sounds of it for you, do not be frightened of the word or process, it’s a means of starting again if you have no assets and a way of wiping out the debt and let you start again.It will lift a massive weight off ya shoulders, I’ve done it once a long time ago for debt over £100k and the relief was enormous.

Work out an action plan, don’t panic, talk to creditors as they WILL listen to offers.

you have to want change mate, it’s done, you need to face up to that and sort it out, good things will then happen if you are patient enough to want it, I came on here 140 days ago broken, I’m now loving life with a wee bit of money and learning that it was my mess and I had to once and for all sort it.

you will never be cured of a gambling problem, however you can stop gambling, hope that makes sense.

good luck, it can get better if you want it to.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th July 2019 11:45 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Ryan.

There is plenty of hope for you because you are getting to the core of why you gambled. A lot of what you have written there is why you have been gambling.

You have to accept the past to face this. You learn to love yourself again and others will love you. I believe that many gamblers are depressed and jaded with life.

I dont run a car and I dont have things which I cant afford. Life can feel tough but I feel your goal is a serenity about whats really important. Thats easy to say but you can start with a financial checkup as you can only pay what you can afford. Bankruptcy may be an option for you as your mental health is actually far more important. It is a fresh start when it is needed

Im sure you dont want to give up and this is about resetting the brain to realise what you have going for you. That can sound patronising but structured life is a game and they are trying to sell you propaganda or dreams.

You certainly dont need gambling in your life. It was never the answer and is designed to take you further down to new lows.

The answers are within you. Join an action group..do something positive...you can make a difference. Its too easy for us to say we are jaded and bored

Fight this! You will be a different person when gamble free

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th July 2019 6:19 pm
sardo122
(@sardo122)
Posted by: R85

Thank you to everyone for your responses and for the support. Firstly Sardo, unfortunately it sounds like you are in a similar situation to myself which is awful. I completely agree about being way behind mostly everyone else and it being too late to catch up. It's a really horrible feeling. It makes me feel like a loser and causes all sorts of mental problems. I feel so embarrassed and no one understands. This leads to anxiety and nervousness. I also don't have the option of suicide simply because I couldn't put my family through it. Also, I still dream, although very unlikely, that things will get better. Deep down I love life and want to make the most out of it but circumstances and my situation currently make this impossible and I can't currently see a light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway thank you again. I also hope you figure something out.

Sjw, thank you for the advice and im glad things are better for you now. You have given me a little bit of hope. Im just really struggling  with the mental side of things. How to accept the hopeless situation I'm in? How to start rebuilding my life when I don't have any money each month? How to accept working 50-60 hours a week just to pay gambling debts? I want to start driving again but can't afford to! Have i ruined any chance of my own family? How do I begin to start improving my reputation when I have gambling debts, no car, and living back with parents when im nearly 40? How to rebuild my confidence and self esteem when it's at an all time low and when I literally have nothing to be confident about? Like i mentioned in my original post, no one wants to associate with me and I often see people talking about me behind my back. They probably just don't understand.

Thanks again,

Ryan.

 

Yep, I know how you feel. It seems pointless, like you're suffocating sometimes especially when you compare yourself to others and it's hard not to sometimes. My old friends have families, kids nowadays and are basically moving into or at the 'next stage in life' that people sometimes go through at around 30-35. Whereas we're trying to get back to start the 1st one again!

Our issues may run outside the scope of simply stopping gambling, so it's quite tough to go at it from multiple angles. I have other problems relating to depression, but it does sound like gambling is your core problem. I've also only had a serious gambling problem for around a year, although I've got in trouble from it in the past.

You could try speaking to one of the Gamcare support people if you live in the UK? I spoke on chat and as well as calling me they put me through to a counselling referral which may help. It might be helpful to just vent a bit. They were very understanding.

I lost 6 months take home pay from my job last week, and I'm struggling to fit in there as it is (also work 50 hours including commute). I can empathise with the aspects of  working for 'free'.

I think we have to work out a way of accepting 'what's done is done' and making the most of what we can, most importantly not making things worse. I've yet to do this, just can't get past the 'what ifs' and struggling with the job (only been there 2 months).

This post was modified 3 weeks ago 3 times by sardo122
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Posted : 30th July 2019 9:38 pm
Sam301
(@sam301)

Coping mentally? Well. 

My situation is very much MH based. Needing support, not getting it from the NHS and being fobbed off.

In that case I'd say if it's MH related, don't punish yourself too badly. Literally budget to a point of having nothing but try to just build the cash back up without gambling.

If it's not MH related then I still think the same, although punishment possibly is easier to take. I.e if someone with MH stuff has a loss and then has to have even more suffering it could bring them to the brink.

I've gone through both. The non MH stage where I had losses and my only way through was punishing myself.

Plus the MH problem slip where the worst thing I can do is punish myself when I'm already suffering. I couldn't take more punishment and if I did, I'd likely slip again.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st August 2019 11:21 pm
sardo122
(@sardo122)

How's it going R85? On the gambling front and in general?

I'm not doing so great myself. I'm dreading the future, whether it's tomorrow, next week or 5 years.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th August 2019 5:25 pm
canterbury100
(@canterbury100)

I can relate to you so much and I'm three years ahead of you. If there are a few people on here who relate to your situation, imagine how many millions(?) there are in other parts of the world. You sound chronically depressed like me, speak to your doctor. CBT might help you with how to handle those dark thoughts. I'm at a point now where I can't even hold down a job. 8 months of not gambling last year, got back to work and the stress of worrying about having a bet was turning me into a monster. I left before I ended up belting someone and believe me, i'm not the violent type. I've been on anti-depressants for over 20 years etc. I feel most days that my situation is hopeless, I couldn't even stay in a voluntary job because my moods were so low. I think all those losses, over the years has broken me and I'm not the happy person I was once. Now I find it very hard to relate to people. Holycrosser gave you some excellent advice. Gambling will break you if you let it, I'm a hypocrite of course although i didn't gamble today and have put blocks in place. My best advice is get support, you can't do it on your own. Give release the pressure a call if you must. They're a mental health charity. You're not alone. 

Stuart

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Posted : 10th August 2019 5:57 pm
sardo122
(@sardo122)

Hi Stuart - could I ask what anti depressants you used? I tried SSRI, SNRI and some others, which didn't do much for me. I've got a meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm hoping to get a MAOI (parnate) - trouble is the price has gone up hugely over the last few years and I'm not sure he will do it on the NHS. Some of this is unrelated to just the gambling issue. I'm existing to pay off debt at the moment at my parents in a job I can barely stand. There's a worry that I will end up getting fired at some and I'm trying to at least get something sorted out. I tried my work counselling but they said I wasn't suitable, maybe because there's not really a lot that can be done from their POV.

Also, I've read some of your posts, seems like you've been through the wringer. Are your troubles with gambling the online kind? This was/is the problem for me. I've lost in bookies in the past, but not to the extent I have online.

This post was modified 1 week ago 2 times by sardo122
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Posted : 10th August 2019 10:21 pm
canterbury100
(@canterbury100)

Hi,

I'm on Mirtazapine 45mg. Anti-depressants work differently with different people. I've tried most of them and Mirtazapine seem to be the best. I'm still depressed though. I sleep better and I don't have the dreadful lows unless I've gambled. Good to hear you're getting support. You'll get through this. Speak to Stepchange about your debts. They were excellent with me. It must be hard working all those hours only to pay most of it on your gambling debts. Maybe Stepchange will help you to reduce the paymenst?CBT was useful for me however when I'm feeling in a self-destructive mood, nothing is going to stop me. I've always felt that there was a side to me that is trying to destroy me. My mother is schizophrenic, maybe I have a bit of her in me or maybe looking for excuses? I accept Ive made a lot of poor choices in life and now I'm paying for it. 

The good news is addicts stop their destructive behaviour everyday. We can join them if we keep trying.

All the best

Stuart

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Posted : 10th August 2019 10:58 pm
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