Another incident on the chatline tonight or is it just me ?. Someone who's struggling, really struggling with illness, Both mental & physical and the urge to find solace in gambling. What's the advice given ?." Stop feeling sorry for yourself". But respect to tonight's moderator who showed leadership & compassion who almost immediately pointed out the need to be sensitive & tolerant towards other people & their problems. Someone recently pointed out that recovery doesn't come in Small, Medium & Large standard sizes.
On a more positive note we can be grateful for those who've been in recovery for several years, whom through wisdom & personal experience chose not to make assumptions on someone else's mindset whilst making themselves approachable & taking a none judgmental view to anyone who requires advice. Lesson for today, We Never Know What Others Are Feeling Or Thinking.
Stay Strong & Stay Safe
A very well presented topic Al and indeed something the moderator dealt with very well.
Unfortunately to me, this and many other incidents recently have made the chat a difficult place to converse.
I am 100% behind the fact that we must be kind and courteous to other users at all times. However there is only a certain limit that kindness and nice words can go to.
We are all here for the same reasons. We are gambling addicts at various stages of recovery and wish we were 100% cured. Sometimes though harsher words are required to be said to get a point across. In some ways being cruel to be kind is a good phrase. Perhaps those words require to be delivered in a more diplomatic way or a more supportive way. But none the less we must never allow the dimensions of why we are here to change.
Sometimes thinking before posting can merit a better response. Once a comment is made it cannot be retracted and (dependant on the delivery) can sometimes be taken in the wrong way.
I have noticed recently there appears to be a reluctance from chat room users (both established and new) to contribute to the room which is sad as i personally have taken great strength from a lot of users and often do not appreciate what is going on in that persons world.
We must use every abailable tool in our armour. When fully functioning chat is a great tool.
Many thanks for your thought provoking & informative reply. Your points of view make sense & I agree with what you're saying about kind words are perhaps sometimes not enough. Tough love & straight talking were the things I very much needed when I first came here ( even if they weren't always what I wanted to hear ).
I posted last night as I've read so much recently about compulsive gambling being a mental health issue. I keep an open mind as to the chicken egg argument as to which came first. Should anyone ever ask me did I gamble because I was depressed or did I become depressed because the gambling caused that depression I can honestly say I reached rock bottom mentally as a result of my gambling, no doubt in my mind.
However I keep an open mind as to the plight of others & accept the reverse may well be appropriate in someone else's case. I find it scary when others have reached rock bottom & try not to tip the balance where someone might do something silly, It's a fine balance, and as you rightly point out it's hard to know what's going on in someone else's world.
The only thing I can add is I think an honest debate, with a shared consideration for the well being of others is a good thing rather than a bad one. However it saddens me every bit as much as it saddens you that other chatroom users are feeling a reluctance to both join in & contribute during the chat. I personally will take on your comments & points of view in the spirit of good will & mutual respect to all on the forum.
Sincere Best Wishes
Dear @slowlearner and All,
Thank you very much for the feedback on behalf of Saturday's ChatMod, very kind of you. It isn't always easy to keep the balance in Chat but this is why the Chatrooms are moderated chatrooms - to keep the space safe and welcoming for everyone. We want to make sure everyone is included and we also want to make sure the focus of the room stays on recovery, which we don't always get right because group dynamic can be a tricky thing. But we always thrive to be better and feedback helps us in that.
However one thing that remains solid is that we absolutely have to take into consideration that we can't know what others are going through, what else is going on in people's lives and that people are in various degrees of distress in different stages of their recovery, therefor we absolutely have to act with respect and tread lightly.
@loulou - it is correct, we don't want to talk about specifics of what happened in the Chatroom, but we feel Slowlearner's post is vague enough to leave it is as feedback. I will also move this post in to the Feedback Forum.
@Bal - I do appreciate that sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind and we can't always say what people want to hear. However this has to be done in a careful way, taking into consideration that we do not fully know what is going on for people and we can never make assumptions.
Generally the Chatroom is a space for peer support and the more people engage and share about their recovery the more others can take away from it. So I would encourage everyone to come to chat and talk about their achievements, their stumbling blocks and just share what works for them and what doesn't. Us moderators will also carry on working to keep the focus of the rooms and to ensure it is safe and beneficial for everyone who attends.
Thank you very much all again.
All the best,
Reading posts on here has saddened me. Yes the moderator was on the ball and quick to react (something I've always found, that they have been quick to react and I've been very thankful for that). I completely understand that sometimes the 'there there ' approach ain't always the best and maybe the cruel to be kind is better at getting through to someone. But in this case , that isn't what happened, someone told me to 'stop feeling sorry for myself' that was not helpful in the slightest, and was pretty hurtful. No one knows what someone else is going through , and how could they, were strangers to each other , but I've always been open and honest, that night I didn't say I had gambled or that I was going to, I said I had the feelings of gambling as needed the escape, I'm going through alot right now (and make no mistake..I know every single person on here and off here are also going through there own stuff) and I have always taken on board what people have said to me, even when it's been things that have been hard to hear, but telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself was like a punch to the stomach, because that is something I am not doing.
I'm gf, don't know how long it's been as I'm not counting and have forgot , but ive not given in, and i don't intend to. When I say I feel like gambling , to escape, it's different from saying I have gambled
Slow your a wise guy, someone ,as you know I look up to and have the utmost respect for. I think your strong and amazing
Everyone on here battling there addictions in there own way, and yes sometimes the soft approach doesn't work, that said, when you don't know someone personally, the hard approach can be quite damaging to a person already finding things extremely hard.
Take care everyone , all of you are amazing
Someone was horrible in chatroom the other week as well which wasnt called for unfortunately which ended up in a bad reaction mod did deal with it
But lately feels like people say hurtful things but not in a supportive manner it's more to have a dig but do they realise how much they hurt you.
Please everyone think how your words could be taken to someone that's on their final straw