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Deliberately wanting to lose everything (MH) ?  

 
Sam301
(@sam301)

This is for those with mental health problems mostly.

Has anyone had a mega low period of MH they wanted to end it? To a point where perhaps they are feeling they want to but they want that slight push to do it? Or at least to feel even lower to a point they sleep for days?

Today was that day.

I went out, had access to my cards again sadly. I had all those thoughts, ending life, the NHS are useless at helping so I have to sit and suffer with MH problems.

Anyway, went out, emptied my bank of the entire £220 in it and yes, I was aiming to lose the entire lot so either I've got that extra push to finish myself or the extra push to sink into bed for the next week and not move.

I played one fruit machine only, for a reason. As fruit machines are compensated with wins and I was always going to lose.

I took the JP, carried on playing. Another £140 for next JP. Carried on playing. About £140 for another JP. Then the pub shut. So had to walk away £120 ish down.

People might say when didn't I burn it or throw my money away? Well thats an instant thing, gambling can send someone lower.

But yeah I can't say I'm bothered at all about the loss. Id rather have lost in all and be in bed now even more low. So I will just drink lots of booze now then hopefully that adds to things and I have that week in bed asleep and maybe going through with stuff
 

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Posted : 6th June 2019 12:00 am
Hullbo
(@hullbo)

Hi,

Don't beat yourself up, I believe that deep down all of us compulsive gamblers know we will lose it all, but that's part of the reason we continue until the last penny is lost.

We either want the thrill of beating the odds, or to end up with nothing, as it then allows us to finally end the battle.

It's a circle, we know we will never win, but the what if...hooks is in a dream.

We must dream of staying gamble free.

Good luck you can do it.

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Posted : 6th June 2019 6:10 am
collett18
(@collett18)

thrills dont last. what does last is being healthy. best thing i ever did was stop smoking drinking gambling and quit sugar. its very hard to stick to it because temptation is on every street corner. it takes alot of dedication to avoiding it  and is not easy by any means. but quiting everything thats bad for you will yield positive results. i also had the mentality of losing it all to teach myself a lesson. so can relate to your post. 

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Posted : 6th June 2019 6:49 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

In reaching despair and misery we feel we at our very lowest emotional point in our life.

It was said that once we reach our lowest point in our life the only way to go is up.

Walking in to the recovery program I did not do it for myself.

Walking in to the recovery program I did not know what to expect.

I use to react in unhealthy ways to the mention of God or religion.

I asked a senior person in recovery could I heal if I was not religious.

The person answered that no matter what you come to believe in even if it was pink elephants, the important thing is that you come to believe that recovery will work for you.

That if I put huge amounts of time and energy in to my recovery I would benefit so much more in my life.

The fuel for my addictions was money, money was never going to heal me heal from the pains of my past.

Money was never going to make me feel happy or content with in myself.

There comes a point when pains cause fears in me that I do not understand.

During my unhealthy times I got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains.

The more I gambled the more aware that I could not win.

And this had nothing to do about winning money.

The addictions and obsessions were a form or escape from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.

Just by abstaining on its own and doing nothing I was not healing, abstaining on its own alone I was not progressing and healing.

How many people thought that if they could get back all the money they had lost would make them happy.

How many people thought that money would give them happiness.

Each time I took the easy option I was cheating myself, each time I wanted some thing for nothing I was cheating myself.

The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.

It was very important to write down my needs, to write down my wants, to write down my goals. 

Being in recovery I would learn and understand my unhealthy reactions towards people life and situations.

Each pain in me that was not healed or resolved caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Part of my recovery was to identify face each fear and understand it.

Give each fear a number out of 10.

The question to ask myself what is the very worst that can happen and am I willing to accept the very worst that can happen, once I do so the level of fear drops from 10 out of 10 to less than 5 out of 10.

It was very important to take my biggest fear on first of all.

Once we face our biggest fear on every fear after that one get easier.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA

Dave of Beckenham

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Posted : 6th June 2019 8:52 am
ricks
(@ricks)

Win or die is always how my gambling plays out. I was hoping to explore this when I went to counselling at Gamcare but nobody could listen, all they thought they were hearing was a suicidal man, despite me desperately trying to explain otherwise.

Win or die does become deliberately wanting to lose everything so I can die.

 

Yet I am still here.

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Posted : 6th June 2019 10:46 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

The addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse, going with out my needs my wants and not having any goals in my life.

It can be argued that we feel that we are not worthy of any thing, that we cheat our self from treating our self nicely.

Before my recovery when asked in to an office I always assumed I had done some thing wrong, that was an instant reaction, almost like it came from my sub conscious child hood.

I could not compliment myself, I could not validate myself.

A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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Posted : 6th June 2019 7:05 pm
signalman
(@signalman)

Ah man

I feel your pain, I really do. 

I've had days like you've described, then the week in bed afterwards.

I know it completely won't feel like this right now, but there is a way out of where you're at, I'm not talking about a magic cure or infinite serenity (both fallacies) - but a sustained level of manageable ups and downs... Like most other people experience in life.

Obviously your current treatment process is not as affective as it could/should be right now - so full respect to you for coming to a place like here and attempting to take back control of your life.

Have you accessed services offered by MIND?

What about trying out something like GA? Don't let the name fool you, it can help to address all types of malaise that you currently carry through life, gambling is the shared reasons people come together, but still, you'll be amazed at the camaraderie and peer-to-peer support available.

Other than that mate, just don't give up hope. In the midst of darkness I know it feels like you will never find your way again, but all I'll say is that clambering around in the darkness will lead you nowhere... 😶 but taking control back and becoming your own doctor, physician, mentor and inspiration could give you a glimmer of hope which you can use to light a torch.

You know yourself best, noone else.

Having said that, surrounding yourself with people that really want to help will invariably help you the most.

#strengthinnumbers

I tell you from my own experience of this... Fighting this battle alongside comrades gave me the strength to get back up off the canvas.

You won't find me buried in my bedroom any longer. 

Same could be for you 

Please take care and keep in touch.

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Posted : 7th June 2019 12:31 pm
A 9
 A 9
(@alan-135)

I had day's when in the full flow of addiction  where I'd pump money into a machine or play roulette for hour's on end, it then got to a point where I just wanted the money gone so I could walk away because losing it all was the only way I had some peace and control back in my life .

As Signalman Said " I feel your pain Sam " 

Look after yourself buddy x 

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Posted : 7th June 2019 1:46 pm
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)
Posted by: A 9

I had day's when in the full flow of addiction  where I'd pump money into a machine or play roulette for hour's on end, it then got to a point where I just wanted the money gone so I could walk away because losing it all was the only way I had some peace and control back in my life .

As Signalman Said " I feel your pain Sam " 

Look after yourself buddy x 

This is so true. I always wonder why the day after I gambled my entire wages away 12 hours after getting them that I would sink into despair and a feeling of wanting to end it all, and then the next day I would sleep but feel calmer known I had nothing left to play with even if I wanted to. It’s such a form of self abuse. I’ve had good wins and always mostly put it back into gambling plus more. This is how I know it isn’t really about the money, it is about what’s going on inside me that I want so bad to hide from. I have always suffered from mental health issues, but gambling has made them 1 million times worse. We deserve to be happy an we deserve to live life. We need to get to the underlying cause of gambling. I think most people who are CG’s have mental health issues. It’s never just about the money. One thing that’s for sure is that we need to learn how to live life again. Many of us don’t know how to live without gambling, it’s alien to us. I have been gambling for 5 years, but I cannot remember how I feel before this addiction anymore. 

Get some blocks put in place, don’t be hard on yourself, and seek help here. The advisors on here are wonderful, and are always available even just for a chat. 

I am no pro at this I have stopped for 8 days only, but I am just so sick of feeling hopeless and having no life. Life can be worth living again it’s just hard to see it whilst you are I’m the fog of a loss 

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Posted : 9th June 2019 1:15 am
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