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Confessions (Or self indulgent bleating) of an idiot  

 
ReleaseMe
(@releaseme)

The old cliche of ‘cant stand yourself’ or ‘can’t look at yourself in the mirror’..well I can tick them boxes. You know when all of the lies that you have told and all of the hurt you thought you’d blanked out seeps through at night...Man it so sucks.

Im writing as if I had a friend (don’t have any cause I’ve alienated anyone who got too close) and it is so messed up I couldn’t even tell the truth anymore. It’s lurking somewhere in between the misery caused by my self inflicted moronic obsession to stick money into a stupid machine and the cascade of lies and selfishness that have formed an impenetrable barrier that I fear will never ever go away.

Another thing (won’t be long cause I’m starting to bore myself) is that my shame and I suppose guilt (that’s when selfish stupid me does think about it and that’s only because I’ve lost again) stops me from confronting it. Even now and with no one knowing me (I hope!), it’s been buried so deep and for so long now that it feels like it is there for good. That cancerous and evil little demon who is intent on destroying me because it knows it can. And dumb a*s me is too weak and too frightened to confront it. All this whilst everything that he had is gone including those that he loved carry on safe in the knowledge that loser chops will get his comeuppance soon. (I have but I won’t let them know though!). At least they done know I’m a moron who frequents betting shops and feeds ten and twenty pound notes determined to win the jackpot to prove to those muppets that there is such a thing as easy money.

To have to live with oneself when one really does not like oneself (a bit pretentious but it is the Christopher Hitchens affect after a binge reading session these last few months) is tiresome and a little dull. I gave up drinking a few months ago and I miss that because even the act of drinking helped to numb the pain from the self inflicted damage I’d just done and after a few and a bottle of red wine I’d fire off stupid texts and for extra fun would throw in a couple of foolish deeds or actions (all fuelled by the self hatred and I guess a subconscious way of diverting prying eyes as to what the real problem is or was)...How can you rationalise the irrational?

If there were a competition for the biggest idiot I’d win. And as for the biggest liar then that’s mine as well. Got some real whoppers that really did take some skill in thinking up half drunk at midnight whilst walking shoeless for 2 miles.

Finally what annoys me is that I could have been a contender. I don’t even think of all the opportunities that I’ve wasted because a real man would do that and I’m a lot of things but in the olds balls department I guess I’m lacking (That’s metaphorically and not actual by the way..although I’m not claiming to have large balls, just normal I guess..).

I am addicted to gambling and I don’t know how to stop it or me...

  

Quote
Posted : 19th September 2020 7:48 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear ReleaseMe,

Thank you for posting on the forum this evening. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of personal reflection, and although a lot of your post is quite self-critical I am none the less pleased you have started to share your experiences; which I hope in turn will start you on the way to accessing advice and support.

There are a lot of practical interventions that you can put in to place fairly easily as a starting point, but I think to really start to address your gambling as you describe it, then treatment support could be really useful in understanding the bigger picture including any underlying issues, contributing factors and triggers.

if you have not already done so I would encourage you to contact the helpline on 0808 8020 133 or use the live chat option both available 24/7 where you will be able to talk through all the options available to you. 

You referred to courage; and I think it took a lot for you to share (so candidly) on the forum and I wish you all the very best.

Take care,

Helen

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th September 2020 9:54 pm
Airbag
(@airbag)

You are a very articulate man, you know the score. Just stop gambling.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th September 2020 10:45 pm
Pete123
(@pete123)

(@releaseme

Hi releaseme

Thank you for your brutally honest share. I hear you!

Not only do I hear you, I personally relate to both your words and feelings. I had gambled for approximately 20 years, and have nothing to show for it.

There is hope for you. I have been free of gambling for 3 years (next month), something in which I would never had thought possible. Compulsive gambling had taken so much from me over the years, so much more than approximately £150,000; I had lost opportunities, precious time, a social life of any kind and peace of mind... to mention but a few. 

If you manage to take the first (scary) step to giving up gambling, then over the fulness of time, you will begin to view and feel life so differently... I speak from experience.

I had hit rock bottom before I decided to (incredibly scared, anxious and ashamed) go along to my first GA (Gamblers Anonymous) meeting. That was the genuine turning point in my life, I have attended every week without fail for the last 2 years and 11 months. I would highly recommend going along to a meeting (at the moment many are taking place via Zoom/online). Obviously if you don't want to that's ok too. Either way, you have taken a huge step to reach out and be heard, and you are clearly a sensible person and acknowledge how difficult things have become due to gambling. Compulsive gambling is an illness, it affects so many aspects of our lives, but there is both help and support out there, you don't have to go it alone.

Please do continue to log on here; you are not alone. I really wish you every success.

I am a compulsive gambler... in recovery.

Kind regards

Pete123

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th September 2020 2:37 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)

@releaseme I'd be kind and say confessions of rather than self indulgent bleatings but I understand the point your making.

The simple question is would you do anything to stop your addiction? Not cherry pick the bits you like and put off the bits you don't, but if I could give you a plan to stop would you follow it completely?

Chris.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th September 2020 8:41 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi

There is great hope for that is the level to which you have to pour it all out.

When we start learning about this as a drug addiction it starts to make more sense.

Its not an idiocy issue but it is a complex issue within the soul. Im a complex character and my own worst enemy in many ways. Amongst other things my gambling was a self destructive streak I have.

I felt as if I didnt know how to get past square one in my life...my relationships have been disasters because Im lazy picking them and drift into them. Ive been an aimless wanderer( born to walk alone) but in some way I must have preferred that or too scared to show real love and commitment. I ended up not really liking people but I really didnt want to feel like that

A self hatred and low self esteem with a false vanity to over compensate...oh Im too good for anyone...gambling was a cry for help when I didnt know how to cry out for a guide or motivation in life

In lucid moments I feel I have so much to offer and should have been very successful. I love my job but the reality is that the odd hours and working pattern do not make it a popular choice. I try and keep in touch with reality but my life could be far worse and its ticking over fairly nicely now

Im more comfortable in my own skin and I cant let negative thoughts play on my mind. Gambling was my drug of escape and my drug of choice...an evil d********x that was no good for me. Oh she was bitterly cruel but I was back for more punishment..a mind control illness and a love hate relationship...a theme that runs in my life...or hopefully in the past tense as I build myself up

Gambling was never the answer...it caused me nothing but misery...it would have put me out on the street if my parents hadnt helped me so much...no home...end of job

You can stop and you must stop. You need to be ready for a born again moment to stop. There is help and advice you must follow

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 1 month ago 2 times by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th September 2020 10:28 am
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