Any support and advice welcome... PLS READ :(

Hi

This is my very first post and I really do welcome any support and advice.

my gambling started playing bingo (online) many many years ago it wasn’t an issue back then. I would hop online probably twice a month and deposit XXX and play bingo and a few games that I enjoyed playing to pass the time between bingo games and that would be it. If I lost it was XXX no big deal. If I won I quickly withdrew and felt lucky. And that was that. However, things changed, life changed, I became depressed not down to gambling, like I said It wasn’t an issue I didn’t think about gambling back then...not like I do now. I was depressed in my relationship I was being treated badly and I felt worthless. My partner at the time did anything to keep me from being able to do things on my own, look nice, be able to have my hair done and just things like that and the only way to do that was by ensuring I had no spare money to do anything so despite him earning 4 times what I did (he had a very very good job) I still had to fork out half towards our home bills and everything that came with it.   Leaving me with barely any money to even put petrol in my car, I could barely afford to buy a coffee at work on my breaks.  Out of the £1300 a month I cleared 9 years ago after everything was paid I had about £300 a month to put petrol in my car, buy cigarettes, Commute to work.  I had no money to buy new clothes or have my hair done. I panicked when someone’s birthday was coming up becsuse I had to save months in advance to be able to afford a half decent gift for whoever. So that’s how my life was for years. Struggling. And he did that to control me, even though he had thousands to spare each month he made me feel like I needed him to pay for our meals and drinks when we went out, to put food in the cupboards becsuse I couldn’t afford it. I couldn’t go on holiday with the girls etc. I could go on, but I just want to paint a picture. 

Anyway this is where the problems started. One night and I’ll never forget it, I looked at my bank balance and thought oh god! How am I going to get through the month. My partner was Constantly losing it with me Each week with there never being any food in and I just started to cry and said I can’t afford to buy shopping and I sat there and broke down what I earned and what I pay out to make him realise I was on a tight budget. He reluctantly threw his card at me and said well I’ll have to pay for it then won’t I. He made me feel so worthless and useless. I felt guilty that I couldn’t be the perfect housewife but I earned what I did and I paid half of our home the bills, and had to pay for my car too. I was left with £70 a week working in town every day. £20 a week went on train fairs. So £50 a week I couldn’t do anything good with that money I had to put petrol in my car on top.  I was literally counting the pounds. If I did the washing and found a fiver in his back pocket I would be jumping for joy! That’s how sad it was. I feel pathetic even writing all this allowing that treatment, that control to ensure I didn’t leave him, couldn’t do anything good or nice for myself. Anyway that evening after using his card to put food in the cupboards. We went to bed. I couldn’t sleep so I got up and sat in front of the tv on my laptop just browsing through the internet and social media.  My online bingo account was on one of the internet browsing windows still and I thought if I could win it’ll help me that little bit. So even though I was so nervous about losing XXX I deposited anyway. I played bingo and I won a few small amounts and I was happy with that. I was about to turn it off and withdraw my winnings and a game a played in between bingo sessions popped up and I thought I’ll do XXX then go to bed. I had won! It was a week before pay day too so I had that bit extra to make that month bearable.  Gambling didn’t even become a problem at that point I just felt lucky. But a few months went by still struggling through and I opened up my bingo account deposited played bingo and then the dolphin slot. Chatting to fellow players hoping for the whales or dolphins to come up on my reels, but they didn’t. I lost my XXX. But that time I thought one more. So I did. Now XXX down. And this particular night I just didn’t stop ? now I didn’t have much money to lose anyway. But I had only just been paid. I had the usual £300 left to pay for my train and petrol for the month and before I Knew it I had nothing left in my account. I was devastated. Worried and felt sick. I left it alone for the rest of the month too terrified to repeat my mistake. But before I. Knew it I was finding myself in the same position each month having that panic attack. That horrible feeling haunted me each month. 

I got a pay rise at some point giving me additional spare funds and I kept that secret from my partner. I did keep my gambling to a minimum and tried not to do what I had previously but as time went on I found myself redundant from my job but with a good pay out and straight into a new job. I had never had so much money! I treated myself I felt like a queen,  even though I was made to feel bad about that by HIM!. So I paid for a holiday to make it worthwhile for him too. To stop me getting grief but as my money plummeted I found myself gambling to make the money back up so I could live what felt like a queen, that little bit longer. It didn’t quite work out that way. But when I lost over a thousand pound in 3 weeks I stopped my gambling and didn’t go back to it. I was free of it. I eventually left my relationship too and started a fresh. But in that fresh start I don’t know why or how but I found myself back gambling again. Not massive amounts I would say I had some control still, until I had a win and after that I didn’t gamble again for a long time.

Not too far down the line I fell into another relationship it was good for a few months but that ended up being very violent and nasty he was addicted to drugs which I had no idea about when we got together but I thought I could help him and turn his life around. But instead I ended up depressed, ashamed, upset, it was occasional physical abuse but constant emotional abuse. I was a mess  and for whatever reason I went back to my old friend gambling obviously only when my partner wasn’t around and my gambling spiralled out of control. I got paid and I would gamble more or less the lot in a night if I wasn’t lucky. And I would be terrified. So I got loans out to cover up my losses. So people wouldn’t suspect. 

I lived like that for 2 years until I hit rock bottom and was in debt and had messed everything up. My partner uncovered the truth and punished me. I wont go into details. He humiliated me and told my family whilst. I stood there like a child being told off I felt so ashamed and Embarrassed but I got help off my family the only favour he actually did for me was by telling my family becsuse after that my life changed. My dad took control for me he gave me cash to get by on and managed my money for me I was finally getting somewhere I missed gambling a bit but not for long as soon as that cycle was broken I was fine and about a year in gambling free my dad handed back everything to me and I managed on my own really well actually. 

I left the relationship although we had a baby in that time together so he was still making my life hell. but I finally had a box of petty cash in my room which I put spare money in and built up for me and my baby. I had my bank with money in and I was doing so so well! 

but my ex was stil pretty bad towards me. He did all sorts and I felt rubbish. At some point I started gambling again. But managed it well at first, but here I am now with hardly any money to my name. Still gambling on online slot game the same game each day or when I have money too. I will run to the bank with my cash get it into my bank and then get home deposit play until I have nothing left and repeat tomorrow. Until I have no cash left no money in my bank. I am not working at present only a small part time job until my little girl is in full time school so once I know my little girl is sorted the rest of my money is gambled away. I no longer have savings like I used too after giving up gambling last time I had 3000 in my savings account I had £600 in my petty cash box when I have money I don’t really want to gamble. It’s when I haven’t I want to try and win a decent amount so I can give it up once and for all. But I don’t win anymore. 

 And so I am Wandering why on earth I do this to myself. Why why why!!! If I stop gambling from today from this moment on by 7th January I could have £3,500 back in my back pocket. IF I don’t gamble another Penny. That’s my part time job money my tax credits my maintenance money and a few extra shifts I’ve agreed to do. If I stop today and don’t deposit anything I’ll have £3500 in my pocket once my bills are paid. That’s what I want!! I want that but each time a payment hits my bank I just think my god. I want the £3500 now so I can give up gambling so I can feel better again... but I end up losing it and depositing more and end up with £0 again and if I keep going by January I’ll have £0 instead of the £3,500 I could have!!! 

help me stop this horrible cycle. I’m a good person, a good mum, I have friends a new partner who is amazing with me (who doesn’t know what I am doing) I feel like I’m betraying him. So I want to stop now so I can leave my past behind me and focus on the future. Before I have to humiliate myself a second time and come clean to everyone which I don’t want to do. Not again. I’m not in debt this time, i haven’t taken any loans out this time or fund my gambling. I use the money I have and that money only. But it’s still wrong. And I can’t stop. 

I have money in my purse I’m Itching to go to he bank and put some in to see if I can win. I’ve told myself no all day and I’ve managed it. I’m picking my little one up soon so I can’t and won’t. So today I’ve stopped myself. But tomorrow I will be paid money into my account. I know I’ll wake up and want to deposit XXX and I need to stop now to get to January with what I know I could have in my bank if I stop gambling. 

I know this Post is so long but I wanted to give some history so people understand and can base their advice on how I ended up a gambling addict. Let’s face it that’s what I am! And I feel dreadful, I feel ashamed. I look around me and think I know I could have a really good life now. But my ghosts from the past still haunt me somewhere and bring me back to the gambling every time! My days have become locked in after school runs spending hours gambling instead of housework and food shopping and things I could be doing to make life really good! Instead I’m focussed on winning money to live well again. But reality is if I just stop come January I’ll hAve money! But it’s the stopping. Every Tuesday I’m like right come on I’m going to be lucky let’s do it then withdraw and then I’m done! Never again. But when it does happen. I withdraw and then the next day I think oh one more won’t hurt I might be able to win, but before I know it, it’s all gone again. Being greedy. I don’t even enjoy it anymore. It frustrates me. I’m feel so lost! 

ive done well today not running to the bank. But I’m nervous for tomorrow (Tuesday) when money will hit my bank account again.