Adapting To A New Way Of Thinking

Hi All,

Never been keen on telling people on how long i've been clean, but it's over 1 year. Each day gets better than the previous and as time goes by i learn a little bit more about myself & my addiction. I know that each time i promised myself i'd had enough & i was going to stop i meant it and believed it, but kidded myself i could do it alone. Wow so much time wasted destined to fail before i'd even began.

In hindsight i now know that being sick of losing & being sick of gambling are 2 very different things. How many times did i lick my wounds & 2 or 3 days later find the money to start again and once again believe in the myth I WAS GONNA WIN IT ALL BACK, yes as you guessed it never happened. When i first came here i read many posts linking addiction to mental illness and used to think this is a cop out to make excuses for our addiction.

Slowly but surely for me the mist & fog is beginning to clear and i feel more able to think more clearly as time passes. Mental illness ?. Well who else but someone absent of the ability to think straight could continue for so many years of losing even contemplate that they're going to win it all back. Realistically if i won a million on the national lottery i'm not sure i'd even break even after more than 40 years of gambling.

This year i've been to two of my grandchildren school sports days, attended my eldest grandsons exam results
day & watching him open the envelope wow. He did better than we could have imagined. Seeing the joy & relief in his face realising what he'd achieved was better than any winning result i can imagine. He chose a chinese restaurant to eat and celebrate that day & i had the most wonderful afternoon.

I'd never attended a sports day or school open day as a father and loving every minute of enjoying my grandchildren's moments of joy & special days was a harsh reminder not only  of what i'd robbed them of. but what i'd robbed myself of. I can't change the past but the days ahead are in my hands if i can start each day by saying to myself Just For Today I Won't Gamble the future seems so much brighter than the days of THE CHASE & being trapped in the pit of despair it took so long to claw my way out of.

I'm slowly moving away from thoughts of what might have been had i not been a gambling addict. Tomorrow is another day, and i ask myself how can i be better, and be a better example to the people i love ?. Maybe by manning up accepting my fears of my addiction yet being wise enough to not lay down, give in & die. Continue to look for & find joys of everyday life and replacing the void gambling leaves with all that's good in life.

Together We Are Stronger.

Best Wishes

AL