I can't believe it but tomorrow marks 6 months from the 4th May. The 4th of May 2019- when I broke apart my world completely and revealed my gambling to another human for the first time ever and I quit for good (this time I was going to do it).
It was so hard at first- I had destroyed my finances, jeapordised relationships including my marriage, lied and lied to everyone, borrowed from family and friends under false pretences. I had become a person a scarcely recognised and it was killing me. When I say killing me I mean it. I neglected my mental health, my physical health- everything was second to this addiction. Entire wages (£several thousand each month) were blown on online slots. Chasing losses, chasing thrill, numbly blocking out the unhappiness/stresses/ordeals I was refusing to deal with in my life.
You can read my full story in earlier posts if you like. I feel like a different person. I am beginning to forget the pain of the money lost, I am beginning to be more responsible and in control, I am facing demons head on. It's not been easy. I went to counselling via gamcare and it really helped me to forgive myself and to understand the issues behind my decisions. My counsellor told me I'd get to a point where gambling was a non issue for me- it would mean nothing to me. I'm happy to say the last two months, I'm there! I don't think about it. Even with the means to access and money in my pocket, I don't! And I'm not even tempted. It's gradually dropping out of my life.
I had tried and tried before but what made this different and successful were the following things:
1. Telling the truth to my husband and a few friends
2. Putting blocks in place- Gamban, Gamstop, switched bank to Monzo and put the gambling transaction bad in place.
3. Going to counselling for about 10 weeks.
4. Not thinking of the money gone, making peace with it and putting a plan in place to deal with finances.
5. Most importantly, accepting I was an addict and that it would only get worse- it would never ever have gone away. I'd had 4 years of addiction, tried to stop multiple times. But this time, I accepted there could be no 'dipping in' to that world again.
I know the score, the demons could return. But I won't let them in. I've got this. Gambling means nothing to me now and it can mean nothing to you aswell eventually if you're just starting out. This community was amazing, the phone lines were a life saver, it really was Gamcare who saved the day for me and gave me the tools and information I needed to know what to do and how to do it! Here's to the next 6 months!