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Wife of a gambling addict  

 
JayneW1979
(@jaynew1979)

Please tell me there is an end to the lies and deceit. My husband has an addiction to gambling and in game purchases. He has again been caught out and I’ve found this has been going on for months, in fact I don’t believe it really ever stopped. This is the 3rd time I’ve caught him out and I am so hurt and angry, I don’t know the future of our marriage but I’m trying to support him to recovery. I’ve never got support for myself but feel I need it because it’s destroying all that I believed was strong and solid. It’s not even about the money, in comparison to some it’s relatively small amounts but still more than is affordable and we have lots of debt that just keeps getting worse. It’s the lies, I’ve supported him before and told him if he messes up just to tell me and we will deal with it together, instead he hides it and when I call him out he tells me I’m wrong. Can this ever end? Can he recover? Am I not understanding something that I should? And how can I support him without treating him like a child and with respect? 

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Posted : 3rd July 2020 5:22 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Hiya Jayne 

I'm a problem gambler but I guess my gambling is more expensive than your husband's or you would be more mad. I was gamble free for over a year then on the 24th of April I was reading my emails not even thinking about gambling and one of the big gambling company's had emailed me, well I thought  £10 no one will know well 1hr later I was nearly  £8000 down money I didn't even have. It was on my partners PayPal account and you can guess how I felt but the damage was done. Well I done something really stupid I won't say w-but I was in hospital for 5days. What I'm trying to say if your a problem gambler you've got to be gamble free 365dys of the year you only have to give in that once to destroy what you love and for what the buzz. I've got so much help in place now and that even means my partner has to be in control of the finances but if its not like that how can I be sure this evil addiction will drag me down again. He need to be honest and get help from everywhere possible as it only gets worse. Don't let the gambling take control as I've never known an addiction that can go so much money and damage so much in such a short 0f time. Ask your husband to log on for some help as if you want a gamble free life he needs to engage. Good luck 

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Posted : 3rd July 2020 9:52 pm
JayneW1979
(@jaynew1979)

Thank you. I already have financial control or I thought I did but he has found ways around it. He says he will engage in help but he has said that before, made all the right moves said the right things and then it turns out a lie. 
I think gambling is even more damaging to life than other addictions, like food addiction you have to have some food to live, you have to have some financial control to live it’s so hard you can’t just go cold turkey if that makes sense. I’m so so sorry that you have this affliction and I hope that you get the support needed to find the trigger to why you do need the thrill of the chase. I hope you recover  and I’m so very grateful you are here and telling your story. Your story helps others and that is valuable so thank you. 

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Posted : 3rd July 2020 10:35 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

That's all I want to do

And the others on here we've all messed up big time in one way or the other we come on for support and help each other with what we can but the most important thing is realising that this will be with us for life, it takes a lot for my partner still to want to be with me and to be honest if it wasn't for the kids I don't think I would still be in this relationship as especially with this last episode and the amount of money I lost it left us with nothing I had to go to a church food parcels services twice, I felt so ashamed but we had to eat. I can afford to shop now but have big debts that one off the big gambling services we're waiting every 3 to 4 days trying to empty the account. I got help from some very influential people who managed to get them to stop. I hate gambling with all my heart and what I've allowed it to put my family through but I would be a lier if I said I wouldn't gamble again as I've said it so many times in the past just to mess up yet again. So I'm taking it one day at a time but I'm under no illusion what I've put the kids through. I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder so they try to say its that dad it's what you've been through but know I will only blame myself to blame something else is saying it can't be fixed I never want to gamble again I really hate myself one day at a time and make it right using all the organizations I'm involved with I would be stupid not to take what I'm offered but ever day of my life Will have to be gamble free and honest and maybe I can claw my family back to the unit it should be 

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Posted : 3rd July 2020 10:59 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi JW and welcome to the forum.

The lies and deceit stop when he is truly ready for a born again moment of openness and honesty.

They stop when he realises you have a sixth sense from knowledge and strength

They stop when he gladly gives up the trust to tackle this most devastating addiction . They stop when you give him repeated reality checks that you are not going to put up with even a sniff of gambling or it will have serious consequences

They stop when you get more proactive in checking his credit report any sources of cash(friends/ family) and asking for receipts from His small allowance. You can assume he is gambling until he proves otherwise. He should start to feel a pride in proving otherwise

Overall though they stop when he is himself ready to admit gambling is just killing him and he wants no more of it

Its not about treating him like a baby.... its about saving his life and any quality of life you have.

You need to start learning about this as a drug addiction. Im not saying he is inherently bad but is controlled by stronger forces which have got into his bones

Gambling can clean out a bank account in an instant and I know of no more powerful addiction in this way. Even a class A user knows what the daily grind is in terms of cost. A gambler is subject to trances and red mists that gives rapid swings in stability...there soon comes a point of no return

There is hope if he is ready for a full recovery but you can both never be complacent again. We are not relationship counsellors and obviously you have to decide if its worth the effort you will also have to make to help him. he needs to be ready to treat you as an equal and the most important thing in his life.

Gambling will take everything from him if he continues. Its no game about a silly flutter...it completely ruins people and thats putting it mildly! Compulsive gamblers have no control over their own minds.

Protect yourself first and foremost. Then you can build support and strength to make your decisions.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 1 month ago by Joydivider
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Posted : 4th July 2020 7:53 pm
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