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Utterly lost  


Hi, I am dislexic. So exscuse my spellings.

I met my fiancee two years ago. He was loving open kind fun. He and I decided to go to egypt. He saved his spending money.I saw it. Then suddenly i got a text saying his mother needed money. Via text he told me.

I saw him and he had a tale. I believed him. So I paid for all our spending on holiday.

when we got back he started to be diffrent. We both had housing issues I was saving for a deposit for a flat. I brought the money with me when I was staying. He bought me a gift a bag was my first pressent. Later I checked the money and hundreds was gone. He stole it.

he cried. He admitted he gambled it broke my heart and messed my head up completly.

I didnt understand why I stayed. But I did. He became distant I struggled because I was concerned. i couldnt trust him.

he started to seem depressed. Moody. Stoped keeping eye contact. Stoped texting. We live together. Stopped asking me out on dates.

ive asked for fifty fifty on all our bills. But its always been short his side.

I started to become highly needy, depressed and highly anxious. Calmly tried to ask for date nights. Nothing changed.

I suddenly couldnt afford hair salon. Nails. Dates. Pressure of food bills.

suggested he might be depressed as his mood swings where all over the place. No refused.

suggested we went to counciling. No refused. And guilt tripped me.

last christmas because of his moods and neglect I said he should move out. He proposed christmas day. At the time I wondered if it was a move. Because we were not good. But after months of assuming hes just not that into me and im now very low. Very confused. Anxious.depressed. said yes because I do love him.

Anyway he avoided. Putting his share on the electric. Still didnt have enough for his share.

then his sim under my name was £230 he said pocket called was gambling.

usual I wont do it again.

4 months on. Yup. Still the same.

I told him I feel like a cash cow.

I can not marry him unless he addresses his issues, therapy, gamblers anonomouse meds ect.

I said I was terrified to rely on him to provide for me and future kids when he cant even do it now.

obviously he said he will stop hes in control.

I told him.hes in denial and if that was true then he just has control and is telling me bs for the past few months and gambling which means hes choosing to take the P**s. Or he has a problem and cant stop.

he said he has a problem be diffrent next month.

i asked him if he wants to go to hes not like them 🙄🤦‍♀️

er yes you are!

anyway hes still under the illution he can do it by himself like all addicts.

he addmitted he had and was neglecting me(i know ive been loosing my sanity and mind for months💔)

my mums sick moved in with her to take care of her and to think.

went back last night hes low says hes ruined his life. Im in recovery 12steps. 16 years exsperience with relapses and sobriaty. So I know how utterly sick, powerless, angry and lonely it is. I also know only he can help himself.

and in a perfect world if he was ready he could be free, happy and present away from active addiction.

that neglects lies uses steals everyone.

but only if he was willing to get professional help and support. I would respect that. Even if there where slips.

reality is he doesnt sound ready. Willing or open minded.

I cant sleep. I cry a lot. I lost my sence of humour, I feel utterly alone angry sad, stupid. I have lost respect for him and me.


but I honestly love him. But the man I fell inlove with isnt available isnt around.

he lied and said he bought clothes and gift nothings come. So he lied. When I said tonight my instinct says you didnt you lied... he addmitted it.

then I addressed the holiday money two years ago. He said you like putting me down....

I said honesty is trust.

he said while trying to guilt trip me he gambles all the money. Now let him sleep.

I have been going litrally insain feeling like Im being lied and manipulated. Hes done it from the start.

I question everything.

I feel utterly broken I deeply care. But he has to love himself and fight for his freedom. Get help.

my fear is he wont.... and eventually I will have NO other option but to walk away (please dont tell me to leave or stay) I am confussed enough.

im having a session with these guys on the 19th hes agreed to do it with me. But I need help. Im a wreck. 

I pray ask god to help him.

im powerless. And so very very sad.

Posted : 17th October 2020 2:10 am

Hello Lonely.

Just dropped by to say I'm really sorry to hear how bad you are feeling. It's a really difficult situation you are in. It must be taking its toll on you. I hope things get better in time. It's not nice suffering at the hands of those who make us scared or upset. I'm petrified of my brother. He doesn't physically harm me but his insults and demeaning treatment of me does. Each time he tears into me my reaction is to reach for my phone and withdraw into the gambling but that makes me feel worthless. I know it's not the same as you but I can understand a bit how his behaviour must be affecting you. My brother doesnt gamble but he is one of the reasons i do. sending you warm wishes. 

Posted : 17th October 2020 6:56 pm

Thank you for your compassion.

my partners ill. He struggles to deal with life. Feelings. Situations. His solution is to change his feelings from gambling. The high. The rush. Then the pain.

Im not a gambling addict but Im a addict recovering addict. My first attempts I relapsed a lot. My triggers where my family. Especially rows. Hurtful words.

I had to realise that its ok not to answer the phone or stay in a room in a house when there was interactions that where stressful.

I even had to learn it was ok to step away with no contact until I was further away from the last use up. In your case bet.

I had to learn how to get support. Pick up the phone to somone when I was wanting to use. I had to accept that my brain was going to scream at me to pick up. But that that was normal. And I didnt have to put action into the compulsion.

it felt at times imposible. I messed up. Tried again. I just didnt give up trying to be free.

my suggestion is to know that if your brother is unable to treat you with respect. That its ok to protect youtself by giving yourself space. I

hes not going anywhere. Your not a bad person. Early stages of recovery you feel pretty sencitive.

gamblers anonomous this site are all supports to help you while your getting threw not gambling. Minuites will become hours hours to a day.

What helped me was dealing with just one day the day I was in. I know its painful scary but if you just keep trying learning it does get easier  well done, your doing well, your willing, your learning what triggers you. Protect your journey. This is your life not your brothers I hope you are blessed on your journey. L

Posted : 18th October 2020 1:29 am

Hi Lonely

This relationship sounds unhealthy for you both physically, financially and mentally,  it may be best if your partner was to move out of the house for a while, so that you can have your space for you and your family to heal, with a addict in the house, things will not be easy. he is placing pressure on your relationship by hes neglectful and irresponsible actions. and it is harming you and your family, which is unfair, if he is committed to changing hes ways then tell him he needs to rent a flat for himself and go to councilling, by you supporting him financially you are not helping him, you are enabling him to continue gambling, as if he loses all hes money he has a girlfriend that can 'bail him out' by paying hes half of the rent and bills., tough love is what is needed, all the best!!

Posted : 18th October 2020 4:59 am
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