Trying to get courage to give up

Hello GamblingGirl34,

Welcome to the GamCare forum and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like the fear of your husband finding out about your gambling is holding you back from taking the very steps that will help you break the cycle. 

I'm sure that other forum users will be along to offer their perspective but in the meantime, if you would like some 1:1 support why not give us a call on the Helpline on 0808 8020 133? Or if it's easier you can use our Livechat. 

If your debt is getting out of control you can get free confidential advice from the following helplines:

National Debtline - 0808 808 4000, https://nationaldebtline.org/
StepChange - 0800 138 1111, www.stepchange.org/
PayPlan - 0800 280 2816, www.payplan.com/gamcare/

Keep posting, 

Deirdre

Forum Admin

Well done for taking first steps!

The breakthrough in many cases is when you understand that your own behaviour is untenable and will only lead to more pain. No wins will win you out of this trouble so the only way forward is to do something else and stop chasing the lies your mind is feeding you because that is all it is. Lies.

For things to change you have to change. For things to get better you have to get better. The direction you take will determine your destination.

I wish you well!

Best

C

@forum-admin Thank you so much for your response and information regarding support. 

I am mentally working towards at least excluding myself from the online sites I use before I get paid. I have been trying to imagine paying off some debts and the relief that would give me and imagining using money I normally spend on gambling when I get paid spending on enjoyable things for us as a family etc. 

I am concerned about my husband finding out it will come as a shock to him. He knew I played games a couple of years ago as I told him about big wins but I stopped doing that as when I won later down the line I used it to pay stuff off or else it covered what I had already lost that month. 

I know myself the right thing to do but it scares me which is why I haven't done it yet. I don't understand why. 

Thanks

Take it from someone who has ruined his life…please stop before you have shame and regret living in your kitchen with you like me.  I’ve lost my wife, my kids and dog half of the time. Money we should have used for awesome vacations, presents and saved for college. My stomach churns just talking about it.  The pride I feel from not gambling now gives me more of an endorphin boost than any win I ever had.  And that is “money” in the bank of my pride that never gets depleted. It only grows!  With interest! Every day that account grows…and my self-esteem returns a bit every day  Just remember that feeling you get when all of the winnings evaporate.  That pit in your stomach.   You know deep down that feeling is way worse than the elation of a big win…which you also know just leads to winnings that you will immediately (or eventually) give back.

I believe in you!  Face that demon right in the eye and tell it you have better things to do with your life!!!

Respectfully,

Greg

Hi GamblingGirl,

DO IT get yourself excluded. I gave up smoking before I gave up gambling. Believe me it was hard, if only I could have excluded from cigarettes, stopping retailers from selling me them. Cold turkey isn't easy, but the rewards are unbelievable. The big win that's gonna solve all your problems isn't coming. I know a bitter pill to swallow given how much you've invest in it.

The gambling dens laugh at people like us. Constantly dangling a carrot, giving us the odd nibble to keep us interested. It's a scam, one big lie. It's painful to discover we've swelled their profits whilst being sold a lie year in & year out. The thing is with addiction is there are innocent victims. For every penny we GIVE to gambling dens we take away & short change something from our loved ones. Wise up & fast, put every block in place, even if it means handing over our finances to someone else. Remember knowledge is strength. 

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

I so much agree with what everyone who has posted has already said to you. I might just add one more thing to help you quit. You mentioned online gambling (games, spins). Well I have done a little research and have learned that these avenues are rigged to make you win a little then lose a lot. You don't know if they are honest or not, and I believe with all my heart that these games are not honest, fair games. 

Thank you all so much for the encouragement and advice! I know the right thing to do and I know the benefits that can only come from it. What I am struggling to understand is my mind and why in the past this hasn't been enough to just stop. I don't understand how it spiralled so much. I looked at my bank statements online from before I started gambling irresponsibly and I am envious of who I was then and all that disposable income. I would die if someone looked at my bank statements now. At the minute I feel very anxious but a bit excited that I might actually be on my way to actually giving up gambling. Its a strange place to be but I have read through some success stories in the forums and will continue to read the dairies etc as it gives me hope!

Just a quick update, I have "taken a break" from the sites I normally use for 45 days. I know that's not quite the same as banning permanently but it's given me a sense of relief and I am looking forward to paying family members back money that iv had to borrow (as a result of gambling) I have also opted put of marketing from the sites. I am hoping once my debts are cleared I can then enjoy my disposable income as I did in the past. 

Thanks again to all those who took the time to respond as it really did help and make me feel less alone in this situation 

@gamblinggirl34 If you are at the stage where you have borrowed money to gamble, I would suggest that by barring yourself for 45 days, while a good start, is just a temporary way of delaying the inevitable.

Even if you do 45 days which is one, maybe two paydays at best, once you start trying to use willpower or try to just use your disposable income, you will find yourself back in the same situation or worse.

Im not trying to be negative towards your actions, I just have a lot of experience and have heard a lot of people say the same thing. If you are a compulsive gambler, the only way is total abstinence. That means no gambling in anything. No lottery, no slots, no grand national.

I also suggest telling your husband the truth. All the while that you are keeping this to yourself, you are giving yourself an excuse to gamble again.

I think you need to ask yourself “have you had enough?” Will you do anything to help yourself ?

If so, please say so.

Chris.

@chris-uk I appreciate your "no nonsense" to the point post...it is needed. I 100% agree with what you said but it was either take a break for the 45 days or do nothing as that's where I am at presently. So while I build up the courage to actually ban/self exclude completely this has bought me a little time where I can't actually gamble and my hope is that well before those 45 days are up that il have put things in place to prevent me from gambling permanently. 

@gamblinggirl34 I can understand your reasoning behind your thinking.

In GA we talk about honesty a lot and I would just ask that you consider that. Being honest with yourself as well as others. 
I hope you do well and feel stronger at some time to take those next steps. 
Chris

Hi,I totally get everything you've written and the 45 day exclusion will give you the breathing space you need but isn't it just a temporary solution to a permanent problem ? Try thinking in a different way.....You will always be a compulsive gambler and a 45 day exclusion is only a part solution....a plaster to cover it up. Eventually the plaster falls off....do you think in 45 days you will be able to resist ? I'm 2 years gamble free next month, I feel free , happy at peace. But I will never take away my blocks.....total exclusion from everything....would I be able to resist? I'll never find out. Hope you find your way....eventually my husband found out...food for thought for you 

Hi GamblingGirl34

I really understand the place you're in (and the place you were in before you clicked the buttons for a 45-day breathing space). Well done on taking that courageous first step. I understand that feeling of impossibility of doing a permanent ban "all in one go", it can just feel like too much because our gambling brains are trying to tell us we are going to lose something good. This is why I think it's good that there are these interim steps available for us compulsive gamblers so that we can go step by step towards the permanent ban without it feeling like jumping off a cliff. 

So now your next step is to let your mind clear and take some deep breaths. Feel good about the fact you've taken that important first step towards a much better life. It IS there for you, as long as you don't fall back into the trap of thinking that gambling will be okay again. I promise you, life will be better without that sickening habit. 

Next you have to protect yourself from the future messed-up messages that your brain will start sending you. You might find yourself thinking "it's fine now I've had a break. It'll be different now. I'll stop when I win". No, you won't. Because your brain changes once you start gambling. It FEELS as if you should be able to control it (because of course you can, right??) but your brain gets flooded with chemicals and it becomes impossible. You've experienced that already, haven't you?

I think that might be why you can't understand why you're finding it so hard and scary to take a more permanent step. You can't understand how your brain can act irrationally like that. Why on earth would part of you resist stopping this horrible, depressing, awful activity that you KNOW is ruining your life? Well it's just the chemical mess that gambling creates in your brain, making you want more and more of the chemical that it releases, no matter the other consequences. It's not you. You're not at fault. You just need to let your brain reset and then never start flooding it in that way again.

It helps me to look at it this way anyway, I don't know about you?

Anyway, everyone here is right when they say that in due course you will need to take that next step and introduce permanent blocks. I know you're feeling resistance but if you just push through that momentary discomfort and trust that life will be better afterwards, you'll feel a *massive* relief as soon as you've done it. Sign up with Gamstop. Get Gamban. Do what you need to with your bank/cards etc if you can. Just screw up your courage and do it, don't overthink it.

Then you're free to live your life again and you won't be wrestling with "should I/shouldn't I go back?" in 40 days' time. The decision is taken care of, no more angst, you will be able to walk away to a better life. You'll be able to find things that you really properly enjoy and that are good for you, like spending time with friends and family, relaxing with a book or a film, walking in the woods, actually genuinely enjoying something and finding a stress relief in healthy ways.

I would of course also recommend you tell your husband that you've put these blocks in place, and why. My partner was wonderful when I told him (I was SO worried about telling him) and it'll come across better if you can say "I have this problem but I've already taken these steps". It will show him your strength.

You can do it!

HF

@charlieboy thank you for your reply and congratulations on the 2 years gambling free!! I agree with you regarding the plaster which is why tonight I put blocks in place for all gambling transactions... through my bank too. I feel sick absolutely sick, I want to fast forward the next few weeks. I could feel myself thinking of ways round the break so I had to do something before I get paid on Friday.