Hi all,thank you for taking the time to read this
It does go on for a bit so grab a cuppa first. My name is Steve and i have had a gambling addiction on and off (more on than off) since the age of 17! I am 44 years old and live with my partner and our three children.I have joined this site in the hope of finding the inspiration and determination to finally kick this evil disease out of my life for good.
I am at the lowest point of my life (there's been some pretty low points too) at the moment,my whole world is crashing down around me and its absolutely killing me and is totally destroying my family. I have two stepdaughters and a 4 year old little boy who i love so dearly,i have an absolutely fantastic woman who up until a few weeks ago was so loving,caring,considerate,everything any man could possibly wish for in a relationship. When i met her for the first time she just blew me away and swept me off my feet,it wasn't long before we fell in love and i was the happiest man in the world! At the time of meeting her i was actually gamble free and had been for 18 months and had been getting my life back in order after separating from my ex.My dad helped me by taking control of my finances for around 6 months while i cleared my debts and sorted myself out.I wasn't proud of the person i was back then but was so determined to not ruin my life and that of others with my gambling that i did actually manage to sort myself out.
Like i have already mentioned i met and fell in love with Doris (not her real name:>) around 8 years ago,fell in love,went on holiday and proposed........she said yes and i was absolutely ecstatic and i was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her and couldn't wait to be man and wife! However within a year i had somehow managed to not plan a wedding or make good on my promises and as i am sure you will guess i fell back into the horrible,shameful and disgusting world of gambling again!! I managed to keep my addiction from my friends and my family with lies after lies after lies,it spiraled out of control and i found myself getting deeper and deeper in debt.What made it so much worse was that i was lying constantly to the one person in my life that ever actually cared. At some point a few years ago i actually confessed to Doris about my gambling(actually to be fair it wasn't so much a confession it was more like an admission as Doris had guessed what was going on and confronted me) and i promised her i would stop and i would get help.I would stop for a few days and then i went back to it and the lies and deceit continued,lie after lie,i told such shameful lies!! There was no end to the lies and deceit that i inflicted on her,our children,family,friends and just about anyone to be honest and all so i could continue to lead my double life to continue gambling!
I don't have enough fingers to count how many times i told Doris i would get help and sort myself out,how many times she gave me chance after chance after chance.The countless arguments and heartache i have caused with this f@*@% addiction,the times that i have let her down and let my children down. There have been times when i had to sell personal belongings to make ends meet,to heat the house,to feed the kids or to pay the bills that needed to be paid,Christ i even sold her car once so i could pay the bills to get by,i am so ashamed of the way i have behaved and the way i have treated Doris and my family!! Never thought it was possible for the human body to cry as much as i have while writing this,its so painful to think of what i have done!
Today is my 22nd day of not gambling(something i am really really proud of,its been an absolute nightmare fighting the demons) and this is the first month for so many many years that i actually still have funds in my bank,it feels good to know that my money has been spent on Xmas presents,furniture and all sorts of other things that to be honest i had neglected over the years.I have a good job and it pays a great wage and i know i should have so much more to show for it! This next piece is particularly painful to write let alone think.
As i have already mentioned "up until a few weeks ago" Doris had always stuck with me through thick and thin,she supported me,wanted to help me,stand by me,cared for me and i have no doubt loved me. We had just returned from a holiday with the kids when an opportunity presented itself for Doris to go away with her family,mum,aunt,cousins etc on holiday abroad,it was only 7 days.I had been doing a lot of soul searching over the past couple of months and had decided i REALLY DID need to sort myself out or i would lose everything i loved and cared about.Doris had had a tough time lately (stepdaughter has ongoing illness that has required many hospital stays,family problems,not to mention living with me and my s*@t) in fact the past 6 or 7 years have been tough for her because of me and my inability to *** the reality of the situation and to stop gambling!
I went to work and spoke to my boss,explained i needed time off so i could take care of the kids while she was away,to my amazement he allowed me to take the week off.Doris booked her holiday and i couldn't wait for her to go off and enjoy her family holiday,let her hair down,enjoy the sunshine and to basically just relax on a stress free break while recharging her batteries. I absolutely reveled in my role of taking care of the kids,the school run,breakfasts,dinners i cooked and took kids out and did everything that Doris would normally do,it made me realize how lucky i was and how much i really had to kick the "demon" out my life before i ruined everything i had and cared about.(i have no idea why or how it has taken me so long to pull my head out my ar*e) I was literally going around telling anyone that would listen that when Doris returned from her holiday we were going to get married and that i was bloody mad for not marrying her sooner,the kids were excited (not that they probably believed me at the time,i was always saying things that didn't seem to materialize)as was i,i was being honest for once for one of the few times in my life!
It was the beginning of October when Doris returned from her holiday and the kids and i couldn't wait to see her again,we had all missed her so much. From the day she arrived home things were frosty and didn't seem the same,everything was great with the kids and mum but it was plainly obvious that things weren't OK between us,i just thought that it was because i was still a bloody loser and that things would be OK between us once i sorted myself out and kicked the gambling out my life for good! I mean i knew i was going to get help,professional help too and that i was determined to make things right between us.Like i said earlier i am truly madly deeply in love with this woman and although my actions over the years have undoubtedly led her to believe otherwise (cant really blame her for that) Doris means the absolute world to me!
Which is why when she told me last week that she had met another guy on holiday and that they had grown "close" i was absolutely devastated,my world just came tumbling down around me!!! Wont go into too much detail about this as its still pretty raw but my heart has been ripped from my chest, its been a week now,we have spoken about things (yeah it hurts more than any pain i have ever experienced before)and i am not sure what the future holds for us,our family and kids.All i am certain of now is the feeling of complete devastation,yet what did i think was going to happen eventually??? I mean after 8 years of living with me and my gambling and lies,what did i think was going to happen!! I love her so much and would give my life for her, yet why did it take me so long to get my s*@t together and kick the gambling out my life?? I totally lost my way through gambling,i never showed her how special and loved she was,i didn't treat her how i really did want to(but didn't cos of gambling) and i certainly didn&
#39;t seek help for this soul/family/life destroying addiction when i should of done!!
The guilt i feel now is unbearable and its killing me,were currently having a "break" from each other so she can figure out how she feels and what she wants,i cant stop crying,feel so lost and alone and deep down i know i have driven her into the arms of another man with my selfish attitude and gambling! I am totally unsure of what will happen between us and what the future holds,i can only pray that i get that "one last chance" to redeem myself and to prove and show my love for the person that i fell in love with all those years ago. There is no doubt that i have caused her so much pain and misery over the years with all the fallout from gambling and i wish i could turn back time,its taken such a toll on so many people,especially those that i love so dearly,cant believe how i have treated and made those closest to me and who love me. Most ironic thing is and which i still don't really understand is that in the past i had always turned to gambling as a source of comfort in bad times,i couldn't be in a worse place right now both mentally and emotionally yet today is actually day 22 of gambling abstinence.
All i know for sure is i love my kids and i love my Doris and i want it to be a happy ending! I am not foolish enough to think that the road ahead will be an easy one or that temptation wont rear its ugly head but if there is ever going to be a chance of saving my relationship and family there is absolutely NO PLACE IN MY LIFE FOR GAMBLING.IT MUST AND WILL STOP. I owe it to so many people to stop gambling (not least myself) and sort it out once and for all,to my kids and to my Doris for whom i have made so unhappy with how i have treated her and my selfish selfish behavior,she deserves so much better!! I have the determination to fight this and the willpower to win (surreal that i am talking about "winning" and its not about a bet!!) Hope i can do this and i do get the chance to prove myself and save myself from even more lifetime of regrets.
Thank you for reading this,wish me luck!!
Hiya my name is Dave im from the north east and like many ppl on here ive had gd times gambling and very bad times.ive been gambling for over 20 years which in that time ive put my family through hell with it and myself.One time being when i broke up from work on the friday and was going on holiday on the saturday i had my beloved RS turbo to tax so i went to the bank and withdrew the money to do this but unfortually theirs a bookies beside it.so stupidly i went in put £20 into the roulette machine and won £300 pound so all was well taxed the car and on the way home though it was my lucky dayso went back into the bookies and 2hours latter lost the money id won and also my months pay and whatever else i had in the bank.so as a result of that i had no monry to go away with no money to give to my partner for the morgage and other bills so had to resort to selling my beloved car worth £3500 for £1400 which made throw up on the way back home.My sister had to get a loan for me as my credit history was so bad through gambling as i had depts over £21000 but the worst part of it was my sister said she would only do this if i told my girlfriend what id done and after other times this had happened i though she would have taken our son and walked out on me as i think i would have done if it was the other way round.So after coming out of the bookies today pennyless ive decided enough is enough and i need to pack this horrible thing up as i get no joy from it and it just makes me feel sick and depressed and have even though about taking my own life but after readin some post on here it has givin me hope that i can pack it in and give things back to my family what they should have as my girlfriend buys our son all the stuff he wants as im always skint sorry im not a man of many words and a bit c**P at this type of stuff so would also just like to say to all the ppl on here stay strong cheers for reading this
Hi Emily82
Thank you so much for your kind words.I hope you too can find the strength and inspiration to fight the gambling demons.I totally understand where you are with your own personal battle,I remember when I first started out on this journey and the very early days were pretty tough and that was before the bombshell!.I know it's early days for me still but I truly feel that I'm winning the fight,against the "demon" anyway.I really hope your winning your battle too and I know how hard it is so congratulations on getting to 4 days gamble free,that's a great start,well done.
As for the "unethical" advice you have given me,I thank you from the bottom of my heart.I have been completely honest with (and honesty isn't something I've been to good with for a while) Doris and I printed my 1st post and gave it to her to read,I hope that wasn't a mistake but it was the most honest and truthful page of words I have EVER written and straight from the heart.Only time will tell but I am hopeful,some things are definitely worth fighting for! I will keep you posted as to my progress on both my "fights". Once again keep up the good work,don't gamble and be strong,don't give in to the temptation!!! Oh and your right it is an illness!!!!
Will keep posting as I'm finding it very very helpful. Good luck
Steve x
Davey,keep strong don't do anything "silly". I Don't have much time to talk at mo but stay strong!!
Best wishes Steve
Steve thanks for sharing your story, your in the right place and hope you get the support you need. Same to you Dave, I would recommend setting up your own recovery diary where we can track your progress and give you personalised support. It is tough at the start but once on her for a while you start to realise the downfalls of gambling and how we can never win from it as we don't stop.
Keep posting.
Hi Dave, Today is day 23 of not gambling for me and it's something I never thought I would accomplish.Its been really really tough.The emotional roller coaster I have been on for the past few weeks has and is truly daunting.I Read your post last night and can totally relate to what you were saying.(I once sold my partners car to make ends meet and she loved her car)My partner also was always buying stuff for the kids because I had blown my wages,I get where your at.Im so ashamed of my actions I truly truly am.I have no idea why it's taken me so many years to rid myself of this illness but one things for sure if I dont I WILL lose everything and everyone that I love so dearly and all because I'm a gambler! At this point Im uncertain of my future and I have no idea if in the eyes of the people I care and love so much it's a case of too little too late as I have been given chance after chance and always f#####d it up.However I also never thought I would go 23 days without having a bet,but I have and with the determination I feel right now I feel sure I'm going in the right direction,just hope it continues.Like I mentioned in my first "marathon" post,whenever in the past I have been emotional or upset I had always turned to gambling as a source of comfort,yet I swear right here right now I am going through so much pain and turmoil,fighting the gambling demons and fighting for my family and future and yet I have still managed to fight the gambling urge!
I wish you luck in your own battle with the betting,it can be done!!
Take care steve
Rest.Ex-CG, thank you for your kind words.When I wrote that story I was in absolute pieces,it took me almost 6 hours to complete and it was without doubt the hardest thing I have ever done and all from my heart.I have read it back to myself a number of times and I have yet to manage doing so without getting emotional and crying,yet I find it helps me focus!
Like I already mentioned I'm fighting a good fight on both fronts and my determination is surprising even me.I do plan to start my personal diary soon (got to figure out how to do it as I'm c**P with comps,lol) and hope that it helps me too.Thanks again for your comments. Steve.
Cheers Steve for the reply gd to see you still havent had a bet in 23 days to someone who dosent gamble will think 23 days thats nothing but from someone who does a massive well done.its 0nly been one day for me where i havent had a bet but been on nites so by the time i got up the racing was more or less finished but i know saturday is going to be a killer for me to break out of the routine of bookies a few pints then C4 racing which ive done for as long as i can remember.Once again a big ty Steve by the way your story made me shead a tear or two as i totally related to what you wrote and also ty EX-GG I will keep on postin on here to let ppl know how im doin so everyone stay strong and we will beat this awefull demon
Hi everyone, (Day 24 and counting)
No problem by the way Dave,any help I can be is great as I know how hard the first couple of weeks are mate.I hope you got to day 2 gamble free.Im sorry my story made you shed a tear but it felt so good to share it,it was the most honest thing I have ever written and felt like a great weight off my shoulders. (it really did take me over 6 hours and half a pint of tears) as far as I'm concerned I will do whatever it takes to keep the gambling demon out my life.I know I've got a long road ahead,it will be bumpy I have no doubt but I have never been so determined.
Not sure if this will help you but when I had to "keep busy" I Went for really long walks and I mean long walks and believe me Dave I hate walking anywhere! I'm pretty busy round the house too,there's always something that needs to be done.Other advice that people on here have given is to start a diary,I'm definitely going to do that too as I think it will really help.
As I'm writing this I'm laying next to my 4 year old son watching fireman Sam,I'm still not sure if Doris and I are going to be together but I swear to you Dave and anyone else that related to my story,some things are definitely worth FIGHTING for.So I'm going to fight the urge,fight the demon and win my battle against this sick sick disease.Im laying next to my motivation!! I have so many regrets and I'm not interested in adding anymore to my list.I know what I want and I know how to get it.....NO MORE GAMBLING!!
Thank you to everyone who has given me advice and I wish you and anyone else who's life has and is being ruined by gambling good luck and stay strong!
Steve thanks for sharing your story, your in the right place and hope you get the support you need. Same to you Dave, I would recommend setting up your own recovery diary where we can track your progress and give you personalised support. It is tough at the start but once on her for a while you start to realise the downfalls of gambling and how we can never win from it as we don't stop.
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