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That hour that's broken my family  

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Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Well done 

You sound good and positive and there 2 good ways to look at things I never want to gamble again but I've said that so many times before so things are in place and if for some reason I relapsed the destruction is contained therefore not putting my family in the position I have. To be honest some days my partner just won't look at me as she's discussed in me and who can blame her then other days we will talk it's just so hard when the money situation is hanging overyou all the time. But I've not gambled I've got brilliant help in place and I have people like you I can talk to makes such a difference. Keep smiling 

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Posted : 27th June 2020 7:26 am
Jez89
(@jez89)

Alright Kev,

 

I hope you are well. I’ve read through your posts and I’m genuinely gutted for you and your family. What I’ve taken out of what you’ve said, is that one disastrous action, or one disastrous hour, can have such a lasting impact. That it’s about being on your guard and having restrictions in place, always.

 

It’s really good that you are posting on others posts. By doing so, you are offering a reminder as to how bad it can get, and hopefully that helps others, as well as your self. I’m not going to preach at you, to say what you should do in future, as I’m no guru when it comes to abstaining from gambling, far from it! But from what I’ve read in your posts, this is definitely the last time for you, because the consequences of what you are going through at the moment, I believe that you realise that it just isn’t worth it.

I don’t use PayPal, even at 31 years of age, I’m not really good with technology, which is probably a good thing, but I cannot even comprehend how they let you spend so much money on a £1k limit?!? It’s not that I’m pushing the blame on your scenario onto them, but surely that’s wrong of them. It’s always down to the person that gambles, when it comes to thinking who is at fault, you can’t blame anyone else, and I know you not, but that’s really shady from PayPal. At least you did stop though, I know it’s really bad what you are going through, but it could have been a whole lot worse.

 

I’m pleased for you and your family that your suicide attempt failed, it’s not the way out. You’ve said that you are rich in the sense that you have the love of your family and couldn’t want for anything, so you know deep down, being without them would be devastating. You have to just keep battling. Having mental health problems, I believe, can have an impact on whether we gamble or not. I was diagnosed with bipolar last year and there is definitely a correlation between the two. I’ve tried very hard to make sure that I’ve gone to counselling, taking my medication and just trying to be a better version of myself. The medication had helped me stay stable and it took a little while to see the positive effects. It has gone hand in hand with not gambling. Since finally having a diagnosis and taking the right medication, my desire to gamble has gone completely down. Obviously it’s still there, and I can’t get complacent, but getting on top of my mental health has certainly helped. What I’m trying to say is that you need to make sure you keep taking your medication for your PTSD, make sure you accept all the help you can get, and I believe getting on top of your mental health, getting in a better place with that, as well as taking your gambling issues, this time next year, you will be in a far better place, I’m speaking from experience. 

You said that you used to go to the gym 6 a week. Is it a permanent thing that you will be housebound? Getting on top of your mental health and getting out of those doors, will bring you a lot of positivity and that’s what you need to try and grab hold of. If your children and wife see you accepting your gambling problem (like you did with alcohol) and see that you take ownership of it (which it looks like you have), but to also make positive strides in dealing with your addiction, but also with your mental health, I believe that they will appreciate your efforts and show more of an understanding. Like what I said earlier, this time next year, you will have learned from your mistakes, be in a better position and your family will be much happier with the improved version of yourself, and you will to.

 

2 years ago, I had my biggest loss, it was £5k. My only daughter was only a couple of months old, and over a timeline of about 2 weeks, I was gambling something chronic. I was gambling whilst she was sleeping next to me. I was getting credit through cash transfers from my credit card. It all came to a head when I drove home from work, parked up in a random street and continued to blow through thousands of pounds. I got home and my wife had her sister staying and they had completed decorated our daughters room and it was a surprise for me when I got in. I told my wife what I had done and asked for her to ask her sister to go. This wasn’t the first time I had done this. It was the first time that I had lost £5k and it really scared me. Prior to that, I had lost £2-2.5k on about 3 or 4 occasions, but this time it was different, we had a house, a small baby and I had completed messed things up. In the past, my wife would have kept it to herself, no one knew of my secret and I guess it gave me the opportunity to do it again. But 2 years ago, it was different, she didn’t ask her sister to go and instead told her. So I was completely ashamed and embarrassed. I then preceded to tell friends and family and then my secret was out. I had £5k’s worth of debt and basically looked like a complete scumbag. Since then, I have relapsed a couple of times, mainly around the time I was diagnosed with bipolar. I became manic, got sectioned and gambled whilst I was there and thereafter for a few weeks, but for not very much money. Still it was wrong that I did it. That was about March last year.

Fast forward to now, my 2 year old is such and amazing little girl and I’m so lucky to have her, and my wife is still with me and our relationship is going strong. My debt has been paid off and I have zero access to any money. I have a monzo card that is in my wife’s name and she puts money on there when I need to buy anything. I have no access to it via an app or website/account details. It has been difficult, but as I said earlier, getting on top of my mental health, taking medication regularly, completing a years worth or counselling, has led me to become stable and gamble free for this period of time. I’m not the finished article, by no means, but I’m just wanting to show you how much can change in a year, you just have to take all the help you can get. I know you are in very dark times at the moment, but it sounds like you have a family that care for you, and want you to be better, you just have to do your part to make that happen.

 

Time is a great healer, as they say. You’re doing a good thing by messaging on peoples posts. You’ve certainly made me realise that you can never have a lapse in concentration when trying to quit gambling for good. My gambling was over sustained periods, so I had time to think about it. It does frighten me about you saying you can cause that amount of damage in an hour, when you haven’t even really got time to think, plus what Paypal did as well. So that’s what I’ve taken from what you said. I hope there’s something from what I’ve said that can help you, or give you some comfort. You’ve seen what gambling can do, it’s devastated your family, mine, you’ve gone without food and you’ve nearly lost your life, it isn’t worth it. But beating yourself up won’t help either, obviously reminding yourself not to do it again is important, but concentrating on getting better, is much more important and more constructive than beating yourself up. 

Take good care of yourself Kev, each day forward is an opportunity to improve your situation. Don’t go back, stay gamble free and the positive steps you make, will mean the world to your family and ultimately help you going forward, with you stopping gambling for good, as well as helping you with your mental health.

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Posted : 27th June 2020 12:32 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Thanks so much jezz

For what you said I really appreciate those words and I know you've been in the same situation I've got bipolar as well so I know how low it can get you even on the best of medication. I take enough medication to kill a horse but to me it's normal and as YOU know you get used to the dose. I take 800ml of quitiapine 45ml of mitrazipine 20ml citalopram 55ml of diazepam 2.5ml of lorazepam 240ml of dyhydrocodeine 240ml codeine a powder inhalers and medication for my heart. To be honest jezz I've been on this cocktail the last 5yrs and I think it maybe time for a change. I usually see my gp once a week so he can monitor me and prescribe my medication for the week but it's been phone appointments through all this so will be glad to get back to normal I'Ve also got an appointment with the sychiatrist next month so see what he thinks I've got a lot off help out there and I'm using it I never want to be back in this situation again 

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Posted : 27th June 2020 3:00 pm
Jez89
(@jez89)

That’s a lot of medication. But I reckon a lot of people are on medication that we don’t know about, it’s probably the norm. I’m on 600mg quetiapine modified release, and 20mg omeprazole for the acid reflux. I’ve been on this for over a year and not given much thought about whether it may not work for me in the future. I guess you know whether something is working though and I can imagine that it will be better for you when you can visit the GP and psychiatrist again. Keep fighting the good fight though and I look forward to seeing how things improve for you and your family.

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Posted : 27th June 2020 4:03 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Jezz

When my schychiatrist put me on quatiapine my doctor wasn't happy for some reason but I felt that they helped me get through the day but lately I've just felt so tierd but can't sleep. I only take the strong meds when I need them. I was put into a unit 5yrs ago and that's when they came up with all that concoction off meds. But I may be due a change don't know will have to see what head specialist says when I see him. It's just going through the change that scares me I don't know about you

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Posted : 27th June 2020 4:23 pm
Jez89
(@jez89)

It is a hell of a lot of medication, I’m quite happy that I’m just on the two. At the start of taking quetiapine, I was sleepy all the time, but eventually that has worn off. I’ve yo-yo’d with my weight though, whilst being on it. Good luck when you speak with the specialist.

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Posted : 27th June 2020 7:15 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Funny you 

Should say that I've put on 6 stone in the last year and I don't feel to good for it as I've never been as big. If i Can get my self sorted and have the confidence to go back to the gym hopefully I can get it off again but got more important things than that at the minute 

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Posted : 27th June 2020 7:34 pm
RouletteRegret
(@rouletteregret)

Hi Kev,

Thanks for your post on my diary. I couldn’t find your diary yesterday to reply but just found it now.

Obviously I can relate to your issue because I too lost a significant amount of money in one crazy day of my life. It was horrendous but it made me stop. Now I just need to stay stopped.

I’ve not gambled in about nine months and my life is better. I run about five times a week which really helps me both physically and mentally. I feel great after running - always so positive afterwards and it lasts all day.

Slowly but surely I am paying off my debt but bizarrely I’m in no rush. The debt reminds me of what I am and what I did. It consumed me in the first three months but now I’m fine with it. I’m more focused on not gambling than paying off the debt. That’s acceptance.

I hope you’re feeling a little better. As time goes on without gambling you will naturally feel better, you’re life will improve and your loved ones will see a huge change. This is what happens.

I wish you well.

Take care.

RR

 

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Posted : 28th June 2020 8:59 am
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Thanks so much for those wise words rr

I'm taking it one day at a time and I know I can make it to the next day I don't want to say I will never gamble again as I've said it so many times just to end up in a worse state. Believe me rr I hate the word gamble and what I've allowed it to do too me therefore having a ripple effect on my family. It's madness I just can't understand how it takes total control but that's what addiction does. Your doing really well and you should be proud off yourself as when I get to your stage next year your my guiding light. Thanks rr and keep up with the running as when I was going to the gym I would run 5 miles a day and believe me I have to get this weight of. Have a good day my friend 

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Posted : 28th June 2020 10:44 am
Vinnie
(@vinnie)

Hi Kev , 

Thankyou for your post on my diary , 

just had a quick read threw , you are doing so well your children will be proud, keep talking and being open and honest . it’s madness how one hour can change your life , I will be on chat wensday morning hope u can make it 😘

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Posted : 28th June 2020 12:22 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

I will give it a go as I've not been on chat yet so hopefully see you Wednesday have a nice day 

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Posted : 28th June 2020 1:02 pm
Consumed by gambling
(@consumed-by-gambling)

I’m 2 weeks in today without any gambling whatsoever and all I can think about is gambling. I can’t decide wether I’m just weak minded or so far gone that control is no longer a thing that exists within me. In my mind I keep telling myself that if only I had the life changing amount of money that I lost 2 weeks ago back in my account then I could walk away from gambling once and for all with my head held high but sadly that’s never going to happen overnight without gambling. my happiness has vanished with my losses and this is also something that is very worrying me as it’s made me realise how much of my happiness has been dependent on money. How do I lift this curse? how can I get back to having the Mindset of a person who can come in to contact with gambling and just look the other way as if it’s nothing. I want my life back but despite taking every step I’ve taken to eliminate gambling from my life, all it has done is limit my access to gambling. It hasn’t solved the problem within that keeps the seed of gambling planted in my mind forever trying to grow day after day after day.  

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Posted : 28th June 2020 1:06 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

My friend I feel for you I wish I had the magic answer for you or a tablet I could give you and it would stop you wanting to gamble for ever. What you've got to do is take it one day at a time and that money you lost forget it as if you chase it you will lose more and get down even more than you are at the minute. Reach out to a councillor contact gamecare as you need help and your crying out for it get gamecare phoned now or use this page I know you need help and you'll be happier 

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Posted : 28th June 2020 2:06 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi kev hope you are ok today. Counselling was good but difficult as we talked about my son and talking to him about gambling which I haven't done yet. I'm scared to talk to him about it but I know that I have to. 

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Posted : 29th June 2020 11:14 am
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Hiya glad it went well 

I've tried to talk to my 15yrs old son about it but he just tells me he doesn't need to know about it in otherwise he's been on the internet found out what he wants and doesn't want to get into a deep conversation like that. But he has adhd and goes out on a Monday to do all different kinds off manual work with a lovely man called Paul who's employed with education department I know he's had a good talk with him so until he's ready I'm here

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Posted : 29th June 2020 1:04 pm
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