Tears on my pillow

I'm at day 3.  How do I feel? I've slept peacefully last night for a change.  Was it exhaustion or sheer relief that I have begun this journey? Who knows?  I miss my husband terribly, I long to see him in my dreams and have him hold me and reassure me.  That's not happening atm, it maybe because I'm not in a deep enough sleep? Who knows ? What's my plan today? I have no idea ? might just potter about the house and try and keep myself busy for the day.  Another new day, slowly going forward ?

Evening everyone.  I'm now at day 7 of not gambling.  I have moments where I miss it, but considering where I am at the moment and grieving badly for my husband it's good that I cant put myself in that position no more.  On a good note company B received my complaint and upheld it in my favour and returned all deposits made since 12/3 to day I joined here.  They were sympathetic due to my grief and congratulated me on joining here and signing to GAMSTOP for 5 years.  I've used the funds to clear all debts I owed so I can breathe and think of just me for while so I'm not drowning thinking of everyone.  I'm planning to visit my husbands grave this weekend and give it a spruce up with family 🙂  Keep your head up everyone, dont be too hard on yourselves on bad days.  We are going to have low points and high points.  Together we will ride these stormy waters pick each other when we need it most 🙂 

Dear Ladidi,

You are going  through an incredibly challenging and difficult time but you are doing really well and doing all the right things.

Grief is a very powerful emotion and grieving is a long term process so all the more important you take care of yourself and keep reaching out.

I have included the link below for Cruse Bereavement Care, sometimes it is helpful to have some specialist support in this difficult time.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help

You are of course continually welcome to contact our helpline or netline any time and please do keep posting and sharing your journey.

Wishing you all the very best with your recovery,

Helen

Forum Admin

Thank you Helen

For the link and your kind words.  Your right I am up and down and in and out.  Nights are my worst when the day is shutting down and we should be going to bed to sleep.  I can never get that off switch to turn off.  I find myself going through a lot of emotions. I remind myself of my one day at a time.  As long as my progress is forward is all I can ask of myself.  I shall take a gander at the link you have sent to me.  Being honest I dont want to open up here and there and every where or I will end up over whelmed with lots of different advice and feeling that I'm repeating myself and no one is listening.  Also there is that "trust" issue I have.  

Thank you x

I don't know if I am having a bad today or what!!  I have funds, and all i have constantly battled in my head is the urge to gamble.  I know I cant do this online no more and that's a blessing in its self.  I have watched movies, my soaps.  Spent the day with my son and daughter in law.  I went to the shops and my son came with me to prevent any side tracks to bookies to hit their slots to kill the urges.  They don't know I have signed up GC and GS.  I am trying to get through this one day at a time.  One fight at a time.  I have tried using spare time planing for things for my husbands grave.  Success so far, feel good factor knowing I have the memorial flower holder I wanted for him and was able to purchase.  Has anyone else had a day or time like this, when your brain or that little invisible devil on your shoulder is taunting you?  What did you do to over come these urges?

Sounds like you are fighting every minute of the day the urge to gamble. It sounds familiar, in that the temptation will wear you down. You need to reduce access to cash, I really hope you can do that, because I do fear the worst. All the best.

Evening all 🙂  Another day GF 🙂 Yay me! Its starting to feel nice having money in my account instead of sitting in pending transactions and waiting to disappear to online gaming.  Its going to be a long slow process to build some decent savings but as long as I go forward that's got to be the bonus.  Its hard when your shutting down for night and your brain is saying ohh I wonder!! Arrghh.  I am careful when I go out to local shops and make sure I have someone with me so I don't side track.  I haven't managed to go to my husbands grave and do all that I want to do there yet.  It is being planned for one day next week once the memorial flower pot holder arrives that I have purchased.  The plan is to go and do his grave the way I want it done in one go than in dribs and drabs.  Planning ahead is my knew way processing my brain.  Have something to aim for I tell myself.  Still fighting the fight of one day at a time 🙂 My moods and stresses are up and down.  Nights are the worst, the loneliness and the little devil on my shoulder saying go on you know you want to! I try to focus on the TV in my bedroom, not working, put on music I like..nope.  Close your eyes and count sheep as you did when a child..nope ... spend most of the night tossing and turning slamming your head from side to side trying to shut down.  You eventually nod off from sheer exhaustion.

Forgive my dribble and drabble...as long I'm writing GF another day 🙂 that's my bonus well earned 🙂

Afternoon all 

It's been quite a week for me.  I finally started my counselling this week.  First appointment on Tuesday gone.  Dragged a lot of pain up in the first session.  I needed to forget, brain wanted to shut down.  Come Wednesday I hit betting shop and hit the slot.  £270 gone ... I didnt feel guilty, I didnt feel anything except emptiness.  Today went back to chase my loss.  Biggest regret.  £180 gone.  I should have left alone, but didnt.  Stupid I know. I was doing so well. Having that good feeling of finally having some cash in my bank account and slowly building up into something extra. Now it's all gone and back to square one.  I'm back home writing this in a silent room.  I can hear my mind saying what I want to say and my fingers typing away.  My heart feeling empty and another session of counselling to go through next week. My head racing, mixed emotions running around.  Screaming at myself I want to forget.  My new beginning crashing down and now I have to start again. ?

Hi Ladidi 

Sorry to hear that you relapsed after having a therapy session. It must have been very difficult for you to open up about painful events of the past. I remember when I first went to therapy and how my desire to gamble increased at first. What I learnt as my therapy sessions continued is that it's ok to have feelings and emotions regarding my unfortunate developmental years and that I don't have self medicate with self defeating behaviours that lower my self worth/esteem further. Hopefully your therapist will give you some tools needed to help you cope with the feelings and emotions in a healthy way when you return for your next session. Try not to beat yourself up regarding your relapse as this is understable given the recent events.

Regards 

Hi

Thank you for post in guiding me not to feel to down hearted about my relapse.  I'm trying to remain positive ? and saying to myself..its gone and it's done.  Forget about it.  Dust yourself over and start again.  One  step at a time. Make some forward planning, something to look forward to, a feel good factor!  Hearts not in it atm.  Breathe, you will get there again. 

Hi Ladidi,

I understand how difficult it feels for you right now. Although I've been stooped for a while I can still remember how tough it was. I stopped gambling for many years before I got any psychological recovery but I went from one fix to another (exercise, food, shopping, s*x) and was still a fragile/sensitive soul. It was only when I decided something had to change that I sought out CBT therapy and it was the best thing I ever did. I found the real me and more importantly had a loving relationship with myself that disappeared at an early age. I learnt to forgive others and myself and accept myself and others as human. CBT gave me so much and continues to that I became a therapist and I can honestly say it's the best job in the world helping others find joy, happiness and peace of mind. 🙂 

Regards

Hi

The healthy people in the recovery program was going to help me and nurture me in to exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, in my work time, in my want time, and in my goal seeking time.

The simple sad fact that when we walk in to the recovery program we have already been survivors, we have already understood by our guilt and remorse we have gone against our own conscience, we have gone against our instincts and said and done things that were very unhealthy to us and to other people.

I am a non religious person and yet I have achieved so much that at one time I thought was impossible.

I am able to be more stable and more at peace with in myself and with other people.

The pains of my past caused fears in me that I did not understand or even know about.

Am I willing to be completely selfish in becoming healthy.

The addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was not a healthy person.

The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.

Why do I stick with recovery because I am the beneficiary and my family are in living a healthy secure life.

Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I had huge fears of emotional intimacy.

Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I was emotionally vulnerable.

Before my recovery I could not be honest and accountable to myself.

I was able to abstain from my addiction yet was not fully committed towards my recovery.

I had fears in me which were a consequence of unresolved and unhealed pains in my child hood.

The recovery program helped me help myself become healthy once more.

Once I put a lot of time and effort in to my recovery and handed over all of my finances and started to abstain my recovery was going to become much easier.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction.

I did not respect myself and I did not respect money.

I was unable to show appreciation and gratitude sincerely.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA

Dave of Beckenham