So annoyed......

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(@dgrog)
Posts: 10
Topic starter
 

Hi. 

2 months ago I hit rock bottom, came on here let off some steam, helped loads! I was completely distraught, and adamant that I was completely done with this! As we all know that feeling subsides after a while.... Got myself into a good place, do I need to say any more, all gone t**s up again!!!!!!!

I am trapped in this cycle of what I can only describe as self abuse! Why? I don’t even care anymore, as if I’ve become numb to the pain, maybe this is just how it’s going to be for me!!!! 

I like to think of myself as a pretty decent person and have a good job, not that that matters as everything is relative but I’m starting to believe that I can’t change! This is destroying me, all I want to do is not need this!!!! 

Cheers and best wishes

Dan! 

 
Posted : 4th April 2020 3:17 am
packer86
(@packer86)
Posts: 52
 

Maybe Dan it's best to put some blockers in place like gamstop and perhaps blocking your bank card from gambling transactions if you're able to do so.

I was speaking to my therapist recently how the early days of not gambling are the easiest however it's 4-5 months down the road when you think you can control it but the reality is you like me will never be able to control gambling. Even if we win the reality is we're losing because it's just sucking you in even further 

Packer

 
Posted : 4th April 2020 8:52 am
(@adam123)
Posts: 2795
 

Depression is looking backwards too much, anxiety is looking forwards too much and calm and peaceful is staying in the present.  Don't look to stay gamble free forever look to stay gamble free today.  As we can achieve today we can always achieve today as it is a bite size objective and maneagable.  Day at a time approach works wonders.  Wake up everyday and say yesturday was good because I didn't gamble today I will not gamble and then it will be successfull.  All the best and well done in advance for tomo!!! Adam

 
Posted : 4th April 2020 10:35 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5946
Admin
 

Hello Dan,

It is good that you are posting about your relapse, particularly if it helps you to identify loopholes in your relapse-prevention measures, so that you can take action and close those loopholes.   You might need to add a couple more layers of protection.  Some of our forum members register with GamStop, download GamBan, ask their bank to block gambling transactions on their bank account, and allow a family member to monitor their banking and spending.  Pay day is a common trigger so maybe you could put these measures in place before your next pay day.

If you are finding ways around the blocks you have already put in place, then you might like to use some form of support on a regular basis to help you to develop and maintain a recovery mindset.  Some of our forum members keep a recovery diary here, and use the chatrooms on a regular basis.  Additional support is available, for example the guided self-help online 'GameChange' course: https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/gamechange/

If you'd like to have a free weekly 1-2-1 appointment, that is available too.  In order to comply with social distancing rules, these appointments can be delivered by telephone or online live videolink.  https://www.gamcare.org.uk/news-and-blog/blog/update-on-covid-19-coronavirus/

Please call us anytime on freephone 0808 8020 133 if you'd like to talk.

Take care,

Adam.

 
Posted : 5th April 2020 9:49 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)
Posts: 887
 

Dan,

There's a saying about insanity that applies to addiction. Insanity is doing the same thing time and time again and expecting a different outcome.

What did you do before, other than willpower to help stop your gambling and what can you do differently this time? 

Chris.

 
Posted : 5th April 2020 1:46 pm
Lost and Found
(@lost-and-found)
Posts: 146
 

Just wanted to say that your words about depression and anxiety really spoke to me. Obviously, I already know this deep down, but I have never quite seen it put the way you did. I have added this note to my journal to keep me focused. I have suffered both depression and anxiety for years and only since being gamble free, have I truly taken the time to be mindful and immerse myself in the moment. It saved my life. I have peace again after decades of torment and inner turmoil. 

I have learned to slow my life down and live just for the day I am on. With debt and daily struggles, it's all I can do. Today's problems are enough for anyone. Obsessing over past mistakes achieves nothing and creates anxiety about the future. It destroys the present. Acceptance is key to giving up gambling. It allows you to accept your mistakes and move on from them. Mindfulness gives you the clarity to see what needs to be done and the focus to tackle life one day at a time.

Thank you for your words.

 

 
Posted : 5th April 2020 4:20 pm
Lost and Found
(@lost-and-found)
Posts: 146
 

Dgrog, did you recognise any triggers this time, other than feeling good? Was feeling good the reason you headed back for more gambling? As time goes on, you can forget the pain, no matter how bad things were, and you can head right back for more of a kicking. When you feel more positive about life, it is easy also to feel positive about gambling, perhaps you convinced yourself that things will be different this time? Perhaps it is more about gambling than winning.  It certainly was like that for me. I could lose thousands and carry on like nothing had happened. I pushed all the pain down until I stopped feeling anything at all. You mention something similar in your post. This is dangerous and can mean that you are becoming desensitised to your gambling and this is when you really need to put blocks in place as you can do an awful lot of damage just to make yourself feel something. Anything at all. You can even gamble to self loathe. I used to get in a mood and hate on myself and I would gamble and lose money and that would justify the way I was feeling. Instead of just accepting that I was depressed, and get help, I would gamble and tell myself that I am depressed because I gamble when really I gambled because I was depressed.

I used to be happy and gamble. I used to sad and gamble. I used to feel angry and gamble. I would gamble for so many reasons because it was all just an excuse to get that hit to soothe my poorly mind. The fact was that I couldn't really handle life. I couldn't handle my emotions so I would bury them all in the machine.

I didn't want to think, and gambling really helped me do that. I could switch off for hours, sitting spinning a wheel and looking back now, I wasn't really present at all. I was on auto pilot. I had to be to do the things that I did. The figures I played around with would make me sick now. It's like I was someone else.

What are the reasons why you gamble? Are you missing something? Do you like the risk? Is it fun and excitement you are looking for or is it something else, something like escapism or distraction?

Yes, of course you can change. Believing that you can't change is giving in to your addiction and leaning on it. You are stronger than that. You just have to decide that you want it enough and go for it. What makes you keep going back to gambling? What do you think will change? What do you want from gambling? Compare this with what you really get.

Only you can unravel the reasons why you gamble. You can stop as soon as you decide you want to. Just because you have always done something, doesn't mean you always will. We can repeat the past over and over but we can change the future by not gambling in the present. Try to remember that this isn't happening to you. You are the one that makes it happen and you are the one who can change that. Many people feel depressed and hopeless about their situation and the hopelessness comes from feeling like this is the hand that you have been dealt and that you can do nothing to change it. When things get tough, we can just say that this is how we are. But it isn't how we have to be. 

In order to fix this, you have to accept that you have a problem and commit to stop gambling. You do that one day at a time. You get up, don't gamble, go to bed and repeat. You keep doing that until you find that you are thinking less and less about gambling and you put as much distance as you can between yourself and your last bet. As time goes by, you will grow stronger and feel more in control, but control is an illusion. You must keep the measures in place as once you have a problem, you will slip right back into your old ways if you bet again.

The addiction cannot force you to bet. You always have a choice but willpower will not be enough to stop you so you will need to put measures in place to protect yourself from this happening again. 

Most importantly, accept that you messed up and go easy on yourself. You are human. Relapse happens and is not wasted so long as you learn from it and try to unravel why it happened and what you can do differently next time the urge strikes.

Be good to yourself and don't hate on yourself. It is natural to want to bet again. Unfortunately, just because we decide we have had enough of gambling doesn't mean gambling has had enough of us. It will bite at your ankles as you try to move forward, but stay strong. Your gambling will only feature in your future if you continue to do it in the present. Keep it behind you and look forward to better days. 

All the best.  🙂

 

 

 

 
Posted : 5th April 2020 5:07 pm
signalman
(@signalman)
Posts: 1199
 
Posted by: adam123

Depression is looking backwards too much, anxiety is looking forwards too much and calm and peaceful is staying in the present.  Don't look to stay gamble free forever look to stay gamble free today.  As we can achieve today we can always achieve today as it is a bite size objective and maneagable.  Day at a time approach works wonders.  Wake up everyday and say yesturday was good because I didn't gamble today I will not gamble and then it will be successfull.  All the best and well done in advance for tomo!!! Adam

Wow Adam great philosophy ? - deserves a bump if you ask me! Top man... Great reading you're going well, fantastic goal to pay off that mortgage - keep well, keep safe, keep fit and keep going my friend! ?

 
Posted : 9th April 2020 11:13 am

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