Sick with WORRY for last 3 days

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(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Hello
I've just joined and really need advice.
I've been gambling on and off for the last 2 years with big gaps in between.mainly only when my depression kicks in and I've drunk to boot out some personal stuff mostly after losing my management job after 25 years with the company.
I have a great wife and grown up children who have all witnessed my slow self destruction recently.
Without going into too much detail,I hadn't been on a site for 14 weeks and used gan ban to help.
Last Wednesday my wife was away and left me my credit card so I could get petrol.She obviously believed my promise not to bet again which I meant to keep.On Wednesday there was an event that again I handled badly drank and before I knew it I'd spent 5 hours betting.
I don't know how much I wasted as I was obviously not with what I was doing.Im terrified I've spent 1000s as I checked account yesterday and balance was 6k.I believe we had balance already on there and hoping it was not all me but I've not known what to do and scared to tell her I've messed up again.I don't want to lose my family and before this 2 years I was always someone they were proud of.I hate myself for this and have been desperate to know what to do.
Yesterday the advisors helped me and I've now got can block and getting referred.
We've been together for 38 years and I feel this is going to be the end.
I recently let one of my sister's know and again feel ashamed of who I've become.its Making me so I'll.
I've written a letter and wondering if that would be best to show her the way I've messed up and how much I need them all.
Anyone had similar problems and what happens?
Thanks for reading this.Just going out to an event together and cannot face telling her

 
Posted : 26th August 2018 11:32 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1491
 

Hi lost , she will find out, so either she surprises you or you confess. Recovery is about honesty, be honest with yourself about how bad this is. Not only gambling but also drinking, losing control. I'm a wife, I've let my guard down too. I've learnt not to trust but also to let go. The only person who can stop is you. Find a GA meeting and get help and support. Your wife probably needs some advice too about addiction and the fact this is forever.

 
Posted : 26th August 2018 12:58 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Merry go round wrote:

Hi lost , she will find out, so either she surprises you or you confess. Recovery is about honesty, be honest with yourself about how bad this is. Not only gambling but also drinking, losing control. I'm a wife, I've let my guard down too. I've learnt not to trust but also to let go. The only person who can stop is you. Find a GA meeting and get help and support. Your wife probably needs some advice too about addiction and the fact this is forever.

 
Posted : 27th August 2018 1:25 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posts: 2156
 

Hi Lost.

The focus in your born again moment is the addiction wants you to keep a secret and what the addiction has in store for you is far far worse than telling someone close. You will see that as the fog of fear lifts.

Its a dangerous addiction which seizes control of the mind and you and your wife will learn what you are dealing with. You will lose that element of trust but can you see that is a good thing to save yourself and build up a quality of life again.

It takes openness honesty and exercises. Try explaining a gambling session in detail and it will sound like an abducted by martians story to a non gambler. That is the reality check of how ill we are or were. If you are scared of that word ILL I will repeat it. Addiction is an illness and the cure is abstention and a full recovery.

Its now in the same chapter as a drug addiction so it has to be treated with that seriousness. It doesnt mean we are inherently bad people....just lost in our own minds...you see compulsive gambling makes a crazy sense to a gambler. In a certain moment it all seems so right but that is the addicted part of your brain talking.

You can make this history but it takes a recovery journey with no access to any larger amounts of cash and full monitoring.

Gambling is firmly linked to depression and it can be the sort of depression you dont really know you are experiencing. I realised I have been on and off depressed all my life which creates a perfect situation to allow gambling in.

Now the big gaps is a critical point and it does not mean you have control. I thought gaps meant I could control it but I binged money away. Maybe I was a binge gambler but eventually the gambling became constant to deal with stress and depression.

My considered view is that dealing with a gambling problem takes priority. In a loving relationship most partners want to understand and help but every partner in my view is owed the respect of being informed so they can make that choice.

Being gamble free is a wonderful feeling

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 
Posted : 27th August 2018 11:16 am
Joe-90
(@joe-90)
Posts: 349
 

Hi Lost,

I can undestand your fear and worry over this, its a real battle to get on top of this addiction. This is why one of the key things required is support, we tell ourselves we are in control but really its just teh addiction speaking. In my case I convinced myself of it as I could stay gamble free for weeks on end, but the thought of stopping gambling for good was unthinkable.

First thing we need in this battle is acceptence, we must accept this addiction has control over us and not the other way around. As a result our lives have become unmanageable.

Next thing we need to tackle this is support, as the addiction has control over us we need the support of others to really tackle it. When you think about your gambling it will seem like madness and most peoples advice is to simply stop gambling. Nice advice but not strightforward for a compulsive gambler. This is one of the main reasons GA meetings work so well as there you get the support of other compulsive gamblers which is really invaluable as they understand what your going through.

Get on with recovery, this is not a switch you turn off, there is no quick fix. It is a part of us we must tackle one day at a time. DOnt worry though although it is not easy at GA you will meet people who have really turned their lives around using the 12 step recovery program.

My advice is to get to your nearest GA meeting asap, tell them your situation and listen to what they have to say. Be completley open and honest from now on in meetings and with your wife and you can beat this addiction, explain to your wife what you have elarnt and tell educate her in how serious it is, gamAnon are meetings for friends and family of gambling addicts so they can get the knowledge they need as living with an addict is very difficult. Whatever happens be honest from now on and your can beat this.

I wish you well

 
Posted : 27th August 2018 11:53 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

I have still not told her as yet as she has a big upset with her dad and I think it would push her over the edge if I tell today.
She's really uptight today.I am concerned though as she may get online statement soon.Shes not in the best of places at the moment and don't know what to do for the best.Ive not hardly slept for 4 nights and feel sick trying to act normal.
I am wondering if I should call both my adult children to come and I tell them all at the same time.Apologise for all the hurt and explain my illness and what I'm doing to beat it

 
Posted : 27th August 2018 3:07 pm
Joe-90
(@joe-90)
Posts: 349
 

Its best if you told her first, she is the one who will be hurt the most by this. You have not done it to hurt her or anyone else, you have done it as you are a compulsive gambler. You realise this, you know you need help. Your wife deserves respect and therefore she deserves the truth. The longer you leave it the worse it will be for you nad her. When you tell her hold nothing back, get it all out in the open. I know people who have held stuff back and it came out later and was the final straw for their partners.

 
Posted : 27th August 2018 3:20 pm
(@gamhelp)
Posts: 53
 

She most likely already has her suspicions, so the sooner you tell her the better.

She will probably need the support of the grown up children so good idea to get them there as well, and at least it's all out in the open in one go.

Good luck, its not easy but better than living a lie to yourself and everyone else.

 
Posted : 28th August 2018 12:25 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

I am thinking how I would feel if I was in your wife's shoes, and better she finds out from you than a credit card statement. Maybe sit her down, tell her you messed up, what steps you are taking to dealt with the situation and that you are very sorry. There will always be a reason not to tell her because you probably don't want to have to have the conversation. There will never be a good time so best to get it out in the open before the statement arrive?

I've only told one person so have no advice on whether to discuss this with your children, but I do know support is important so show you are committed to quitting so they have no doubt in your mind you are serious.

You've taken steps to limit your access to the sites. Make sure it is on everything, your phone, laptop, PC etc. Maybe turn over your bank and credit cards and work on a cash only basis for a while as a back up?

Good luck

 
Posted : 28th August 2018 2:25 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

I don't have access to any money and have destroyed the card.
Still got to tell her been really ill at work all day.Last time she smashed the mobile and I'm so sorry I'm putting her through this at worsrmt time possible

 
Posted : 28th August 2018 5:03 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posts: 2156
 

Hi Lost1961.

You know your relationship but if you are to enter a full and proper recovery you cant really keep secrets. An addiction doesnt mean we are bad people but you have to realise you need help and you have made a good start on the forum.

Ive seen many threads that say still havent told the partner yet. We are not demanding you tell her but surely you can see that its good advice that we give. Is it a secret you want to have?

Write a letter but we suggest that you get the words out while explaining what you intend to do about an addiction. There isnt really a perfect time but perhaps you need to talk to GA or a counsellor about your fears here.

There is no room for half measures so Im saying be aware that it takes full monitoring and the strongest of blocks. Cutting a card up is a good step but its by no means the only step you need to take.

I know its difficult but is it worse than losing thousands and not really being able to understand why you did it

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 
Posted : 28th August 2018 6:43 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Told her tonight.Ripped my letter up and told me doesn't believe me even though the blocks are in place and didn't want to see the councillor text or interested in phoning .
Son walks in and tells me he's finished with me before hitting me.
Guess all I deserve but think they don't want to see I'm taking positive actions

 
Posted : 28th August 2018 9:23 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posts: 2156
 

Lost1961 wrote: Told her tonight.Ripped my letter up and told me doesn't believe me even though the blocks are in place and didn't want to see the councillor text or interested in phoning . Son walks in and tells me he's finished with me before hitting me. Guess all I deserve but think they don't want to see I'm taking positive actions

Others can react like this through hurt, confusion dissapointment fear and anger.

You have to accept that is understandable and I know its a difficult step. The reactions seem harsh and hitting you is assault. However you are aiming for the serenity to understand that they will not like the news of a gambling problem.

I promise you that the most important thing is a born again moment for you and that honesty makes you a better person for it. Recovery takes that honesty and facing reality

A gambling addiction thrives on delusion and confusion. The bank statement shows the truth and of course others are going to experience a range of emotions knowing that money has been gambled away.

Surely they will want to see you taking positive actions and they also need to learn about addiction. You didnt set about to hurt them....thats what a gambling addiction is...it doesnt care if you have a family or are single...it just wants its own fix.

Its not all you deserve and please dont think like that. I was a gambling addict but I was not a bad person. I didnt set out to hurt people. I just couldnt control myself and I was experiencing an illness.

Being gamble free is the most important issue here. You can build anew pride and if your family wont see some good then that is an issue to be dealt with. some do walk away and lets be frank about that....but continued gambling would not have solved that and would only have made things many times worse. I feel they will come round when they understand how complex the addiction is and what you are doing to regain a quality of life

Best wishes

 
Posted : 29th August 2018 9:47 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

I'm so sorry to hear that your son assaulted you. However bad things have got, that is not OK.

You have made a big step. The reaction from your wife is of course upsetting but it is part of the process for her to process how she feels. Do not let it throw you off the positive steps you are taking.

Everything joydivider says above is just so on the mark.

Come back and keep us updated. Stay strong.

 
Posted : 29th August 2018 10:06 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Thank you for your comments.
I have woken up again at 2 am this morning.My wife then wakes up and is obviously still angry and frustrated by this lapse but I thought sharing your advice would help.All it did was make her shout at me how dare I tell anyone about this and as soon as she heard the word assault went off at me how dare I talk about the hitting.I feel that she doesn't want to see the illness and I have told her I've got phone counselling today but she doesn't want to see past the fact I've spoken on this forum.
Really lost now

 
Posted : 30th August 2018 1:42 am
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