Sick & TIRED

Hi All,

This is my first post on here and when i write things down it makes me feel better - empties my head instead of emptying my wallet.

I am 32 years old and have been gambling since 21 years old, over time i think i have lost just under *** - but thankfully the money gone was savings only and wasn't towards any bills or larger responsibilities.

Last year 2020, was my opportunity to save some serious money for a house deposit, i get paid just under the national UK average and WFH due to the pandemic boosted my take home salary by a lot.

However, my self destructive side appeared - my vice was slots and football bets, i practically gambled/spent ***of savings and *** of salary earnings. I was left with £900 in my account and with the *** some of it went towards helping my friend buy jewelry back he had pawned to fund his gambling habit (he does not gamble any more, its been about - 4 years clean for him, just buying some sentimental pieces). Like minds.

At this point, I have mood swings, feel very down, exhausted and deep inertia kicked in, i had to remind my self of what i do have. It took me a while to come out of this, there is always someone worst off than you, i had to rationalize.

Going forwards, i put a financial plan together and reluctantly accepted defeat - from the latter stages of 2020 to May 2021 - managed to save up £6k after deductions in my bank - frustratingly i peeked at the betting app i used, logged on to virtual games and won.  I didn't even feel happy, relieved yes - but i knew what was to follow. 

Over the 6 days, i felt a spike of adrenaline and lost. I felt so so sick, i had to remind myself i doubled the *** i had in my account to begin with and to write off the *** i had lost.

Now i am trying to control my urges by jogging and focusing on work  - but i am sick and tired of how this invisible sickness just lures you in always - it is frightening. I have put together some financial Goals (includes paying two loans, worth £6500 in Oct and Dec this year) with my win and plan to not gamble for a while - i just want to enjoy the euros. 

When i was at *** the highest amount, i knew to stop but never did, the impulse of greed took over - i am very sensible and rational as a person, but that wasn't me in that moment, gambled till i had *** and i dont know how but some sense made me stop. In that moment at the highest there was nothing i could do to stop - truly frightening, i had a 10 sec out of body experience, but was paralyzed to act.

What an invisible disease..