Hi,
I am on here seeking some help and advice. I have been in a relationship for a little under 2 years with my current partner. We are both young, he is 25 and I am 22. Last year around May time he confessed to being addicted to gambling. By this point he was in thousands of pounds of debt from taking out loans, borrowing from friends, family and myself.
I was aware that he gambled when we first met but I had never interacted with someone who gambles as much to know that he had an addiction. He is a very well known person, would do anything for anyone and has a lot of support around him.
Around 6 months of us being together he asked me to take out a loan for him to help with homers to make more money, I agreed thinking it would be a good idea, after a good few loans later he confessed that his wages were not covering what he was due out on loans and to friends. The money from loans he was gambling away, lost all money which made the debt rise to over £35,000 in total. We seeked in his family for help, ruined relationships, eventually looked into bankruptcy Scotland. Because I was involved in the loans this fell back on me, our current situation is I am in a trust deed and he has a DAS set up. He went to GA meetings, had 2 sessions with a hypnotherapist and I thought everything was on track.
It was all ok for a while, his mum took his bank card and took care of his finances. December last year he got his card back, online banking with his mum still checking every now and again. After a few group sessions he stopped going to them and the hypnotherapist and this is where I think everything is going out of control again. He claims he is in control but after all the lies I have major trust issues with him, I don’t believe much of what he says unless I have proof.
The situation we have now, our close friends are now coming to me as he has been borrowing from random people in our area. People he knows has money, he has borrowed for my family without me knowing, my friends etc. This is really beginning to take its toll on me, I have tried giving up with our relationship but I know he really needs the help. I am aware he has recently gambled twice within this past year after everything happening. The lies are starting again and my trust issues are creating anxiety causing our relationship to be toxic. I have tried to be calm and collected with him but I am just not sure where to go from here..
Both of us are protected from company debts, but what can I do about the money he is owe to other people? The lies? I feel this time round I need to be more involved and take more control. We have spoke about his wages coming into my account so I can take care of his finances, what else can I do for us moving on? Who can I get him to speak to? I just don’t feel like the group sessions were doing much good and feel one to one might be better for him. He is continuously around gambling, from social media, to friends that don’t have an addiction but occasionally bet, especially him being in a football team with everyone that gambles most Saturdays after their games. I feel like he just can’t get away from it and our problem now is money that he is owe people?
I am really on my last straw with it all I just feel constantly lied to, lost and my mental health isn’t great I have my up and down days because of this situation but I am really am trying. Any help in the right direction would be really appreciated!
Thanks so much
Hi... I am a compulsive gambler and i wouldn't be involved with a compulsive gambler.
The thing is when all is said and done "its his problem"... "not yours". Its become your problem because you chose to be involved with him and his problem is now becoming "your life". Am sorry if this sounds harsh but personally i'd run for the hills. Your living your life through him... get your life back...
From what you say, he is not ready to stop.... He's not taking any responsibility for his problem. Please whatever you do, don't feed his addiction anymore. keep your money away from him and if anybody comes to you looking for money, point them is his direction. He's out of control. You can't save him from himself. Look after number 1 that's you
sorry maybe i have gone over the top a bit. If he gambles online then registering with gamstop is a must. It will stop him gambling online. If he gambles in bookmakers he can get himself excluded from them. He needs just a sandwich allowance, only carry what money he really needs. He needs to stop acquainting with people who spend a lot of time gambling or talking about gambling. he needs to find other stuff to do away from gambling.
If he does all of these things then its a start...
All the best
Thank you, I appreciate any advice I can get right now really. I will look into gamstop tonight!
The thing is he shows remorse, he continuously tells me this is not what he wants for me and that he would understand if we ended the relationship. I am completely set on this is the last time I’m going through with this though and if it doesn’t work then we never will, I’ve never had to be in a situation like it and I have been through a lot in my life. It is mentally and physically draining.
My family and his family are aware of the situation, they offer to help support but obviously not to give out money which would feed his habit. It seems to be that he goes through other people to bet is what I am guessing - he would lie to me if this was the case I know this, he is embarrassed and ashamed to admit or tell other people apart from those that already know that he has a serious addiction with anything to do with money.
The thing is he is protected with the DAS and I am with the trust deed those were the first steps. Do you think he benefit better one to one GA meetings instead of group?
We are speaking tonight so I needed some guidelines to go by, I have mentioned about him not being on social media or even not having his phone?
Not having his bank card and I control his wages/finances?
It’s just so difficult when you know one side of a person and this is the other side, I don’t want to give up but I know what you are saying his life is becoming mine.
Thanks for any help
Hi Oscar2017 - Gamstop is a must, insomuch that it will stop him gambling online and the damage its doing. Your relationship is secondary to that in many respects, sounds like he was gambling before your relationship started and likely, without support, will continue even if it ends.
You need to protect yourself financially - if the worst happens and you split you will still be liable for those loans.
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