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Partner has a gambling problem - please help  

 
Mummyof2
(@mummyof2)

hi all,

i’m new here, my parter unfortunately has a gambling problem. He only told me when it was ‘too late’ and he couldn’t afford to pay bills or our rent (rent comes out of his bank account). He was worried i’d leave him if he told me, obviously i was upset but i said we need to focus on the future now and pay the bills. He then gambling behind my back at least another 4 times, also whilst getting out payday loans and credit cards to fund the gambling/and getting money to pay bills. I thought enough was enough and he admitted he has a problem now and wants to ‘better our life by trying to win money’. I thought enough was enough so his wage is now paid into a joint account. I’ve taken his card so he doesn’t have access to it (he told me to do this). He found another way to gamble (he gambles through online casino, sky bet etc), he started gambling using his mobile. I pay his mobile bill so it was a massive shock when his bill was £200 more than it should have been!! It’s hard as some days i feel strong and feel we can get through this and other days i feel he doesn’t care. Some days he’ll practically beg me for money to gamble but I obviously say no as I won’t be helping him in the long run. He said he wants help but wants us to do it between ourselves with no professionals. I said i feel i need support. We have two young children so keeping a roof over their heads and bills paid is my priority. I wanted to know how other partners going through this coped/cope? I want to let him have some control and let him spend some money, but when he needs petrol etc at the moment i just give him cash. Sorry for such a long post!! 

Quote
Posted : 19th November 2019 8:35 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)

Hi mummyof2,

I am so sorry that you are facing this with your partner. I know that you have asked for perspectives form other affected partners, but I wanted to share my wisdom as a compulsive gambler who has only recently admitted that I need help with my problem. I hope it helps in some way.

Two weeks ago I came clean to my partner about my recent gambling and the impact on our finances. This was the third time for me. The difference this time is that I know I cannot beat this without help. if your partner is begging you for money, he is  still a long way to even beginning a recovery. Even if he is not yet willing to access help, you should seek professional support through gamcare for yourself.

First and foremost you need to protect yourself and your children financially. I don't have any access to money other than for essentials and that is not a problem for me as I do not want to gamble again. I don't go without things, it's just that I am not in charge of the spending. As compulsive gamblers, we are able to find ways around the various technical blocks that can be out in place but the one thing that truly impacts is removing access to money.

What made me wake up and smell the coffee about getting support was when my partner said that they were not willing to take any more and would leave me.  That was the only thing more powerful than gambling to me.

We are now working this through together. I wish you all the best and please seek support for yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th November 2019 10:26 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin
Posted by: Mummyof2

hi all,

i’m new here, my parter unfortunately has a gambling problem. He only told me when it was ‘too late’ and he couldn’t afford to pay bills or our rent (rent comes out of his bank account). He was worried i’d leave him if he told me, obviously i was upset but i said we need to focus on the future now and pay the bills. He then gambling behind my back at least another 4 times, also whilst getting out payday loans and credit cards to fund the gambling/and getting money to pay bills. I thought enough was enough and he admitted he has a problem now and wants to ‘better our life by trying to win money’. I thought enough was enough so his wage is now paid into a joint account. I’ve taken his card so he doesn’t have access to it (he told me to do this). He found another way to gamble (he gambles through online casino, sky bet etc), he started gambling using his mobile. I pay his mobile bill so it was a massive shock when his bill was £200 more than it should have been!! It’s hard as some days i feel strong and feel we can get through this and other days i feel he doesn’t care. Some days he’ll practically beg me for money to gamble but I obviously say no as I won’t be helping him in the long run. He said he wants help but wants us to do it between ourselves with no professionals. I said i feel i need support. We have two young children so keeping a roof over their heads and bills paid is my priority. I wanted to know how other partners going through this coped/cope? I want to let him have some control and let him spend some money, but when he needs petrol etc at the moment i just give him cash. Sorry for such a long post!! 

Hi mummyof2 

Thank you for sharing your experience it sounds like a stressful time for you all. You will find that regularly reading/posting on here will increase your understanding of problem gambling and give you some useful insights from others who have been through the same sort of thing. We recommend you protect yourself & your children by not unintentionally feeding the gambler with more money than they need especially at the start of their recovery which by sounds of it you are implementing already so well done. We also run live chat rooms on here at both 1pm & 8pm each day which you also may find helpful.   

If you feel you could do with further support then feel free to contact us 24/7 through either the netline (private live chat) or on our freephone: 0808 8020 133 

kind regards, 

Tom (forum admin) 

This post was modified 3 weeks ago 2 times by Forum admin
ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th November 2019 6:24 am
b_bex99
(@b_bex99)

I'm so sorry to hear this mommyof2. 

I've been going through something similar, and I've realised there is no hope unless my partner can accept he is an addict, change his actions (not his words) and take responsibility for his actions and how they affect me/his family.

Otherwise the pattern is going to keep happening, over and over. This happened to me. To the point that I can no longer continue as I am scared for my own future now.

I wish there was a magic answer I could give you - but it's the most illogical thing I've come across. Reason doesn't work with addiction.

I've asked my partner to move out for the foreseeable future - to protect myself and in the hopes that it wakes him up before it gets too destructive - for his sake and mine.

He is working really hard since this as I think it made him realise (for the first time) he can't gamble and have the life he wants (GA 2-3 times a week, 46 days clean) but I've learnt this needs to be a long term change before I can think about our life together. 

The whole thing is devastating, and I'm sorry this is what youre going through.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th November 2019 5:49 pm
saintbry71
(@saintbry71)

from the point of view of a compulsive gambler i share from my own experience only......in the early part of my recovery it was hard for my wife to cope and process with everything that had happened.I had to expect to either be asked to leave and make some massive changes in my life regardless of any outcome of our marriage.I signed up for gamstop and havent gambled at all or online for nearly a year.I gave up all financial control,attend meetings weekly at GA,see an addiction therapist,work the 12 steps and have been prepared to do absolutely everything possible to stay off gambling thats been part of my life and active addiction for almost 30 years.The time will come to work together with your partner again and try to look forward to a better future.But all the correct steps need to happen in the first few months for all this to work.if you partner is still being deceitful,hiding anyhting or the signs of gambling are still there,challenge them and work with him....all the best hope thing work out.B

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st November 2019 9:18 pm
Mummyof2
(@mummyof2)

Thank you for all your replies. He’s been off work this week and has constantly begged me for money, unfortunately he found log in details to our ‘joint account’ which is just his wage paid into that and knew he was getting paid today. This morning i log on to online banking to find he has gambling £150 whilst our children and I were asleep last night. It’s the deceit and the risk he took yet again, i’ve told him he now has to start proving his cares for our children and me, absolutely fed up. I’ve got my work xmas do tonight and i really feel like cancelling as my head is just not in the right frame of mind to ‘have a good night’, i also feel i need to keep a close eye on him too! Don’t know what to do, i need some time to myself but also don’t feel happy at all. His adult son also lives with us and brings so much stress to the house also so he’s been asked to find someone else to live, I cannot keep dealing with all the stress, i need to think of my young children. Just wanting somewhere to vent really, i’ve told my partner’s parents that their son’s gambling has got worse, so i’m hoping when they see him at xmas they can have a good heart to heart and talk some sense into him. I’m not sure what else to do : (

ps he says he ‘doesn’t need help’ and wants us to do it on our own but i’ve already said I cannot as i need support, sometimes I actually think i need support more than him, i work pretty much full time and trying to be a good mum on top of all of this

This post was modified 2 weeks ago by Mummyof2
This post was modified 2 weeks ago by Forum admin
ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th November 2019 10:30 am
urgh
 urgh
(@urgh)

There are a lot of R*d flags going off here, because he has gotten away with gambling/stealing so many times, he will continue. He does not the have willpower to stop so what is there stopping him? Nothing much.

This will be your life for the forseeable future if you stay with him, I promise you that.

It's very tough but he needs a reality check, whether that is you leaving him, or making his addiction something out in the open with family and friends, so you can also get the support you need.

Good luck

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th November 2019 7:03 pm
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