New to the site - Treading water

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 LaMo
(@lamo)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Hi there,

I have finally plucked up the courage to post something - I am not sure why it has taken me so long or what has blocked me from posting, maybe it's fear that once I have, it's all real, I don't know. All I know is I feel like I'm treading water and have been for over a year now and feel very emotional doing this.

I discovered my husband was/is a problem gambler over a year ago now. I found out  by guesswork and process of elimination really. I noticed his behaviour started to change probably over 2 years ago - he was going out more and  more often and staying out later and later and eventually all night, saying he was staying at a friend's. This caused issues obviously and I suspected every possible thing from affairs to mid life crisis to drug/alcohol problems - he always denied everything. There was a family illness/issues on his side and the only explanation/reason for his behaviour was he was depressed about that.

Things came to a head last year when I  pushed him to explain himself (after months and months of vagueness and not really being around) and things blew up - he blamed me for things and said some quite hurtful things, which obviously made me look at myself  and wonder if it was my fault - I am far from perfect I know that - now I know this was deflection and him protecting his 'secret'. 

The behaviour  (being out all the time) continued and then he started saying someone (a family member) had asked to borrow money so he dipped into our joint savings without discussing it with me - it wasn't until a few months later that I finally suspected gambling and when I asked if that was the issue he went quiet, so that was when I knew (not because he came clean but because I happened to 'guess' correctly). 

It was only then that I realised everything had been lie after lie (too many to go into here and about various things) probably for the past 2yrs. The sense of betrayal and pain was and still is so profound that I am not sure I can trust again. I have since read up about problem gambling loads and sought help for myself and my husband has finally sought help - I don't know if he would have had I not researched things and found the relevant info for him and encouraged him to.

Just writing all this is making me realise there is so much to deal with - there was a family bereavement during this time as well.

The constant stress and pain of everything has taken a massive toll on both of us and our relationship and highlighted that communication is a big issue.

I have fluctuated between wanting  and trying to help him, to being so resentful and hurt at times that part of me doesn't care. I feel awful for feeling like that, but have neglected my own needs and feelings for a long time and probably still am to a point as I have asked for transparency around his finances but he still (despite numerous requests) won't let me see his bank account, plus I  have suggested relationship counselling  a few times but he won't entertain that either - he seems to think we can sort it ourselves.

I have tried to be mindful of his fragile state (he lost his job last year too which further added to the financial strain) and been patient and tried to give him time but not sure how long I have to /can wait.

I do find it's a real struggle to be 'nice' to him as I am constantly frustrated and irritable with him - I hate being like that and don't want to hinder his recovery at all, but it's hard.

I wonder if anyone has any insight or experience where a marriage (almost 30yrs ) is concerned - do things get better? Can relationships improve without any help, especially if one person doesn't really open up?

Sorry if this is a bit all over the place - so much has happened and so many feelings have come up and I am still trying to make sense of things.

Thanks for taking the time to read this

 

 

 
Posted : 21st May 2020 1:40 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5946
Admin
 

 LaMo

Thank you for posting on the GamCare forum. I am glad writing this helped get some things clearer for you. It sounds like you have had a tough time lately and i am sure that other users on the forum will be able to offer you advice and support going forward. 

I also wanted to mentioned we do have a dedicated Friends and Family section of our forum. You may want to take a look there.

I am very glad to hear both yourself and your Husband are seeking help and support with this. You don't mention where you have sought help but please know our advisers are here 24/7 on the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 and on our Livechat to offer advice and support. I also wondered if you have thought about looking in to couples counselling with Relate. You mention all the emotions you have surrounding what has happened and this might help with these. 

In the meantime, 

Keep posting! 

Rebecca,

Forum Admin

 

 
Posted : 23rd May 2020 8:50 pm
 LaMo
(@lamo)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Thanks so much for your reply.

I thought I was on the Friends & Family section - my mistake.

My self and my husband are both having help from Gamcare and the National Gambling clinic (although that is on hold due to the COVID-19 situation)

I have brought up the issue of couples counselling numerous times but my husband is either unwilling to face this or incapable of doing so.

I am now at the point where I am so exhausted by it all that part of me cannot even be bothered anymore.

Having said that I recently bought a book by Relate `( re couples counselling) to see if that may be an acceptable way for him to start thinking about it. I don't know if he will do it or not but feel like there are major issues to work through and I can't do it alone. I think part of him thinks if he ignores it for long enough, it will all just go back to 'normal'

Thanks for being there 

 

 
Posted : 25th May 2020 7:00 pm

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