Good morning all,
After a huge argument with my boyfriend last night I went looking online for forums or chatsites where I could meet people in a similar situation to either me or my partner. I want to try and understand why he behaves as he does, if theres anything that could help either of us and what my options are I suppose.
I have always known my partner gambles and I occassionally do with him too. My limits tend to be pennys and pounds I can afford however, where as he has a much higher limit up to a hundred.
Unlike most situations Ive read on here he has a very well paid job and keeps up with bill payments etc. He has a disposable income of around 700 which he doesnt know what to do with and just spends it on gambling. Unfortunately I had always thought it was only 200 a month he spend until i found out different last night. We have been running out of money every month and he cant account for all of his outgoings. I asked to see his phone and he got very upset and wouldnt show me so I asked him to leave. Im not sure what I should do next. It upsets me hes been lying to me and he says he doesnt feel he has a big problem as he can afford to do it. I just think he has probably lied about a lot more than im aware of and I feel disrespected as I would be able to handle to truth and potentially support him.
Why would he lie if he loves me and knows I need trust in our relationship...
Hi katyb, I'm sorry for your distress. Ok ....this has nothing to do with how much he loves you. Unfortunately compulsive gambling goes hand in hand with lying and deceit, he says he doesn't have a big problem but once you get to the stage where you are lying, covering up , being deceitful you have a problem. Otherwise why would you need to hide ? Presuming you want a future together the disposable income could go to much better things, and the fact that you are running out of money each month means to me that you probably don't know the whole truth. My advice for now would be sit down with him be calm tell him you support him ....even if you don't feel calm and supportive right now. Ask for the truth he might tell you the full extent don't be surprised if there's other stuff, loans, credit cards etc. Or he might keep up the pretence that everything is ok and try to turn it back into you that you are trying to control him. I've done all of these things in the past but when my husband found out the true extent of my gambling June 5th this year I told him everything and I haven't gambled since. I wish you good luck with this give us an update if you can
Its getting more difficult now as we have planned to move in together and start a future and family together for months. I have only recently found out how much hes hiding from me and we are meant to be moving intogether very soon....I have tried to comunicate with him to say that if we are moving in together he needs to be more responsible with his finacnces and budgetting and that his outgoings arent adding up and he should be able to account for them. As usual he twists the conversation to say that he still pays his bills, its not his fault he earns more than me and he can spend his disposible income how he likes as he has savings etc already. He says he loves me and wants this to work but the arguments need to stop.
He avoided discussing the missing finances or mentioning if he would show me his statement and then made it out to be my problem we are clashing, drifting apart etc. I said he was being dischoest with me and I dont want secrets moving forward, he says hes never lied to me and talks about gambling all the time, again avoiding any accountability. Im finding it really difficult to converse as hes so defensive and what im saying to him doesnt seem to sink in, he just manipulates my words and deflects blame.
The last thing he said was maybe we need more time apart as he cant make it any clearer to me that he gives me financial support and horses are his hobby etc etc . plus we arent agreeing or resolving anything. Im so upset with him and dont know what to say without causing more tension so Ive curently blocked him until I can gather my thoughts and unwind.
I really dont know what Im meant to do going forward. I could stay with him in the hope he will continue being responsible with paying bills but knowing he cant be honest with me and feeling disrespected, or i could leave him and move on but feel that we have shared so many memories and that in so many ways hes the perfect partner and Im deeply in love with many aspect of his personality.
I would love to find a middle ground where I can get him to be open and honest and I can be supportive and understand where we are up to without placing blame or arguing..how do I achieve this?
Thank you for posting on the GamCare forum. I hope you are able to get support and advice from other forum users.
It sounds like you are in a difficult place with your relationship right now and i wanted to let you know that our advisers are available 24/7 if you would like to talk about this more. The advisers are able to offer support and advice as well as referring for one to one treatment if you feel that it would be useful. The number to call is 0808 8020 133 or you can contact them by using our LiveChat option.
For now, take care and keep posting.
Rebecca
Forum Admin.
Obviously I don't know either of you so I can only go on what you say, my experience as a compulsive gambler and my fairly new ( nearly 5months) gamble free experience. Everything you write makes me feel uncomfortable as I recognise the behaviour and the way of life I strive to get away from. If he has nothing to hide he will show you everything, I hid everything from my husband because I had a lot to hide and the deeper you get the more you lie. Deflecting onto you is a difficult thing for you as he's making you doubt yourself, I'm so sorry I really feel for you. So imagine yourself 2years down the line with a small child is this the life that you want or can " put up with"? You 2 can get through this but you cannot fix him he has to want to stop gambling and be ready to admit that his gambling is out of control at present he doesn't want to. And you have to decide what your needs are and what you can tolerate, what type of life you want. He justifies his gambling as his hobby, I used to try to justify myself " I don't smoke , don't drink etc etc" and as a compulsive gambler in recovery I also feel for him and hope that he can recover. My advice would be be clear you love him and want to support him, but be true to yourself if you cannot tolerate his behaviour be honest with him. Better to sort this now before you make more of a commitment go in with your eyes wide open, I've destroyed the trust in my marriage( not deliberately I never meant to hurt anyone) I'm not sure I'll ever get it back but.....I'm not lying anymore not being deceitful, no big secrets more like my old self someone who's skin I'm ok with being in. Gambling is evil made me someone I hated and I'm not going back there . Good luck katy I really hope you can find a way forward, keep posting and Gamcare advisors are really good with family, partners and friends
Thank you so much for your feedback. Its really appricated as I feel a bit lost at the moment and not sure which direction to turn. Ive not encountered this before and any advice is much welcomed especially from people in the same situation as either me or my partner.
I would love him to just show me his bank statements and give me the opportunity to know what im getting into before committing any more as you say. How do I approach the topic without him turning it around though and changing topics?
Any ideas of better ways to communicate with him would be very useful.
Is it likely that now hes blocked he will have time to think about things and come back with an apology or is it likely ill have to approach him again.
Kind regards
X
Ok. A lot to ask of you !.....calm manner, try not to shout, but Be firm you have to know..... He will be defensive as he's not ready to stop gambling, with me I did want to stop I was scared of my life crashing down around me I couldn't find the words or the courage but when my husband confronted me I spilled it all out it was a huge relief...not for him obviously !! I don't know what the future holds for us but I'm doing the right thing now I'm talking truthfully to our nearly 16 year old son and whatever the future holds I know my life will be better for not gambling. I'm sure by now you've read stories on here and there are lots of success stories so life can be good for you but you've also read that addiction is for life so move ahead with caution. You deserve the truth
Hi Katyb. This is difficult because my gut reaction is not what you want to hear.
A compulsive gambler thinks he can afford to gamble, be it 5p or £5k. If he could afford it he would show you whatever you asked. A gambler deflects blame. It’s all a ‘game’. £700 is what you think, or what he allows you to think is his limit, or expendable cash. £700 a month, £8400 a year. Or more! What does he win?
Multiply that figure by 2. Gambling progresses, so next year it will be much more.
You need to think about what you want. His behaviour will not improve while he continues to gamble. He will lie, blame, hide, apologise, beg forgiveness. A gambler will do whatever is necessary to continue. It’s just the same as drugs, but financially devastating.
i knew my husband gambled, what I didn’t know was how much, how much debt he had, how his family constantly bailed him out, lied to me. Yes he had a great job, all the bills were paid, but it caught up with him. It damaged his mental health. He still has poor relationship with money. He doesn’t have control of finances. He continued to gamble for years, always saying he wasn’t.
You cannot stop him from gambling. You can decide whether you are willing to take this on.
If you have a relationship with a gambler you need to safeguard yourself, safeguard finances, property. This is addiction, long term , always there.
Thank you for your insight. I really appricate it. I dont want him to stop gambling. I want him to be transparent so I am aware how much he is gambling. He is willing to give me more money evwry month to look after so we dont run out and im willing to make certain compromises so we dont run out and we can make ends meet. I pay for my own bills etc and he for his so currently he couldnt cause me any financial damage. If we moved in together this could obviously change and as charlie said aswell, with children involved the situation could be become a complete mess.
The majority of his bets are all placed on one horse race a year so he will monitor the horses form for months ahead and try to get better odds before the event. I know people dont say its a hobby but for him its calculated and certainly not as impulsive as some of the gambling I read on here. He has been doing it for years already and Ive never been aware of any extra debt or credit cards, he did have one when we met but paid it off and showed me even though I didnt ask.
He always seems to have been quite candid about what he does, this is why im suprised at his attitude to not show me a bank statement, it doesnt add up. Have things got worse recently with him working from home in lockdown, is it because the jump season has started..or has it always been this way and ive been naive? Its all very stressful trying to figure it out. X
I would be very cautious about not wanting him to stop gambling altogether as something doesn't sit right it's a gut feeling. If you move in together and are thinking about a family you won't be wanting all his disposable income being gambled. Why make ends meet when you can be comfortable. Try for the transparency that you crave and take no less , draw a line in the sand make that your no compromise area. Good luck
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