New member. Relapsed again last night...

Thank you Dave, this was a humbling and important post for me to read and I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to share.

I personally have a long journey of discovery ahead of me and I still feel like I have a part of me thats trying to avoid it, the truth is, I too am scared and ultimately probably don't want to make the sacrifices required to abstain from not just gambling but other vices too - drinking, drugs, general immaturity and elements of arrested development. 

Theres been some positive changes but I feel like I'm lying to myself and I know the measures I have in place are not infallible to future failures and disappointments. 

I still think I know better than most if not all, the tendencies I have are sociopathic at best and psychopathic at worst, and for this maybe there isn't a cure and it's something I will have to learn to live with. I wonder whether it's fair to expect or want someone else to live with me when I consider the true depths of my real self. The true being I try to avoid and negate. I sleep with the background noise to prevent real thought and ensure my real feelings are repressed. When I attempt to tackle them I'm left bewildered by the lack of empathy and emotion I have for anything. I don't know how to change this and thats ultimately where the true fear lies...

Maybe counselling will help this, maybe counselling will enable these tendencies to develop in a negative manner. I guess I can only try. 

In positive news, I'm training and eating well. I'm sober. I haven't gambled. I'm healthy and alive.

My first session is on Friday so I'll look forward to that. 

Hi

Thank you for responding to my postings.

In facing our fears, it is wise to face your biggest more serious fear first of all and it give a number out of ten.

On walking in to the recovery program my fears were 10 out of ten, over time my fears of the meetings were reduced to six out of ten.

I could talk to strangers  and yet could not talk to my partner.

Was it the fear of rejection of abandonment, no matter because of my unhealthy habits I was avoiding facing myself.

With regards counselling it works if you have no fears of talking about any thing.

The person that walked in to the recovery program had been traumatized by many people over many decades.

When I walked in to the recovery program I had got in to the unhealthy habit of suppressing my pains, self abuse and undermining myself.

In time I humbled myself to be an equal to all people both in recovery and out side, no matter when their last bet was or how successful they were, in those people I saw myself, both the healthy and unhealthy.

Please keep going to counselling and also to meetings you will find out your triggers and no longer want to escape people life or situations  in your life.

I did learn that I was not the only person who took emotional baggage in to our marriage.

Over time I heard how vulnerable my partner was and her painful experiences long before I even met her.

Long before my first addiction or my first obsession I was emotionally vulnerable and over time I would understand more about that.

Thank you for sharing your intentions needs and your wants with us.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Quick update from me...

59 days in now. 
Counselling going well, I've gone for one monthly to extend the time frame - think it's the best thing for me.
Lost over a stone now at the gym and training. A new addiction almost but at least a healthy one if nothing else.

Hope everyone is well and keeping strong.

Enjoy your weekend.!

Hi

Filling your life with healthy habits will excelerate your recovery and your healing.

I am a non religious person and have been able to find a healthy spiritual life with out being religious.

Every action has consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences.

The recovery program works for any one who is fully committed towards healthy living.

The recovery program helped me understand that abstaining from unhealthy habits was not a fight but in fact a complete surrender, the person I was fighting was myself, the person I feared facing the most was myself.

Only once I surrender completely and live one day at a time, just for today I will not gamble. It is a boundary I set for myself to no longer live in fear and escape.

I found out that time off my addictions did not mean that my inner child was healed.

In opening up more my fears of emotional intimacy reduced.

I understand today that I am not alone.

I understand today that I am working my recovery with other people to come a person I no longer fear.

The recovery program helped me become person I am proud to be today.

Please keep up exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hows it going guys - hope everyone is well. Been over a month since I've posted but thought I would check in. Turns out I'm 90 days gamble free.

Feel good, lost over 2 stone. Working hard. Not tempted to gamble.

It is possible to change... 

.... but I know I'm not cured. 

Well done mate hows the relationship going?

Hi mate, 

Thank you, how are you?

Yea re doing a lot better thank you!  Came back here today just for a refresh and catch up.

Was meant to go away next week with my family but my partners worried about me being away on my own which is fair enough. 113 days in now so thats a huge milestone for me and longest time I've been before without gambling since I started.

My day to day job is heavily involved with horse racing and football but it's not causing me much grief. I've not been tempted at all but I know exactly what triggers me so one of the things I've learnt to do once I've had a drink is just leave all electronics in the room with my partner and sleep in spare room that night if I want to mess about / stay up / etc. It's a working compromise but not exactly a solution. 

Now I want to go away on my own she's worried again so a bit unsure as to what to do. Feel ready for it. Counselling has been going well and think I need to put myself to the test a little at this point.

Interested to see how I get on over the next few weeks as the start of the football season was when I took my eye of the ball last year. Conscious of that this time round...

Hope everyone is doing well... X

Quick update ... 134 days for me now... surprising myself but I keep coming back here to keep myself grounded.

i went away in the end. As a comprise I went with my partners mum. We had a great time and I didn’t think to gamble once even though I was drinking pretty much every night whilst there. 

I was worried about the start of the football season as this was a trigger for my relapse last year but it’s just not even been an issue at all so far for me this year which is refreshing.

Still very early days and I’m still sat with a five figure reminder of a loan that I’m paying back from my last slip up. I may be doing well at the moment but I can never forget where I came from and why I’m here.

Posted by: Fifthteenthousand

Quick update ... 134 days for me now... surprising myself but I keep coming back here to keep myself grounded.

i went away in the end. As a comprise I went with my partners mum. We had a great time and I didn’t think to gamble once even though I was drinking pretty much every night whilst there. 

I was worried about the start of the football season as this was a trigger for my relapse last year but it’s just not even been an issue at all so far for me this year which is refreshing.

Still very early days and I’m still sat with a five figure reminder of a loan that I’m paying back from my last slip up. I may be doing well at the moment but I can never forget where I came from and why I’m here.

Hey,

I'm new to the forum but just wanted to say this diary is really inspiring, my problem is trading (Forex / Anything) and not sports gambling but it is manifesting itself in the same way.

I lost weeks of works and thousands (tens of) trading.. Most of that trying to make back what I had already lost and digging myself deeper into a hole.

I was free for a bit but slipped up this month and it's prompted me to come onto the forum to see if I can start my own diary to hold myself to account. This month is going to be tough as I've basically P****d all my money away (including money for bills) so need to figure out how I'll live as well as getting arrangements to pay in place with some people.

I'm already with StepChange for the debt (one of the people I can't pay) but I'm fairly sure they will be okay.

The dream is a year free and debt free 🙂

Anyway just wanted to say your diary is great, I hope you manage to stay gambling free for the rest of your life.

Inspirational to read, well done. 

Good luck on your journey 

Thank you, 

Just a quick check in this morning. Me and my partner have booked some flights to Brazil. 

We went to watch Joker last night. No urges to gamble but still not cured. Doubt I ever will be so always come back here and read other stories etc.

Approaching the 6 month mark but I've stopped counting the days.

Hope everyone is doing well x 

Massive well done to you!

I'm 49 days gf now, the first week was horrendous, just didn't think I could crawl out of the hole I dug

Each day is better and I feel so proud and so well already

Just wish I could give this feeling to others that are at the very beginning of their journey, you really can feel so good about life where as at the beginning I just didn't think there was such thing as a normal life without gambling and feeling stressed, anxious, living off of fresh air and no sleep

Well done ?

Thank you Tracey and congratulations on passing the 50 day mark!!

It's 180 days for me tomorrow and I've spent the weekend celebrating my anniversary with my partner. Very close to this day never happening considering what happened earlier in the year.

This is by far the longest time I've abstained from betting and my life changed significantly for the better. I can go out with my friends, I can enjoy myself but I don't wake up with a feeling of dread 'what have I done this time', 'how much did I lose', 'How can I get out of this'....

That shame was running my life and the consequences were ruining the lives of others around me.

Although I feel I have no triggers, intentions of gambling of any sort. I still come back here often. If I'm not posting it's reading and contributing - I've decided to make this a lifelong mantra as the addiction is also life long. If I don't remind myself of this thread and where I came from, I worry I could slip back and forget. I've found most addicts try and convince themselves or 'forget' how bad things actually were at the worst times when they seem to have found some element of recovery - a constant reminder of the opposite keeps you grounded in my opinion.

Thanks for reading all X

Hi and well done on your recovery. I Relapsed again yesterday afternoon. I’ve been back and forward with gambling for the last 15 years or so. I’ve won well and I’ve lost huge. More than I can ever imagine. So yesterday after all week saying to myself I was gonna bet after two weeks GF I did bet lost everything again. All I’ve work for thr last few months just gone in 90 minuets. 

Now im back to square one. Acting like everything is normal to my partner knowing how much I lost yesterday and thinking how long I’m gonna have to work to get that money back I’ve lost. I’m so depressed with myself and can’t find any motivation to do anything now. So bloody annoyed with myself how I’ve lost all this money. And to top it of I’m getting married in December all I’m thinking about is what I could of used that money for. So disappointed in myself gambling has literally ruined me.