New here! Day 1 of no gambling tomorrow!

Ah sammie, glad you found your way to the diaries ? 

Was nice talking to you in chat.

I to have severe unstable personality disorder, anxiety, depression and ptsd. I'm having intense therapy for my issues now, and one of the things my psychologist said to me is ,you wouldn't believe how common it is for people with borderline personality disorder to indulge in harmful behaviours eg like drinking, gambling, self harm, drugs etc. And it takes time and patience to find coping skills and strategies to replace those harmful behaviours. 

I started gambling not long after losing my daughter,  at first it was just fun, but then I realised how I didn't think about anything else when I was gambling, nothing at all , apart from the next spin, and then that's were using gambling as a escape started. Kids playing up....escape to gambling. Having a bad day...escape to gambling. Feeling...low or suicidal...escape to gambling. I tried stopping, many times over the past 5 years or so, but I just kept going back. Now that I'm getting proper mental health support, I'm finding the urge to escape to gambling is lessening. I'm learning new non harmful ways to cope instead. 

I too feel so extremely guilty over how much my kids and partner have missed out on things because of me. The past few weeks it came to a head, the guilt was unbearable and was affecting my mental health even more. I would look at them and just feel so sad thinking what they should be able to have but miss out on because of me. Something needed to change. I know its easier said than done but you need to try let go of the thoughts that they deserve better. Trust me, kids need there mum, no one could replace you. Took me along time to believe that myself, but its true. Who could protect them the way there mum does, no one. So stop beating yourself up and look forward now. 

You've taken huge steps already, admitting you have a problem to loved ones is so hard, and many people can't and don't tell there families. Your reaching out. Your here. You are already changing things for your family. 

Look online for things to do during summer with your kids in your area, some places have free admission. Or even things like going to the beach, park, for a picnic etc, kids would love and remember those days. 

I wish you the best in your gambling recovery, remember your not alone

Stace x

Hi Stace!

It was lovely to talk to you on the chat too!

I am sorry to hear about losing your daughter, I cant imagine what that must have been like.

Mental health is so hard! Getting help is hard, knowing who you can trust is hard because so many people dont understand mental health and what you are going through. I am glad you are getting the support you need and getting better with things! Well done on not gambling and finding ways to escape rather than doing that! You should be very proud!

I will be looking online later for things to do with my girls, I want to make sure they have a fun childhood and do a lot more fun things than what we do now. They are my world and I would be lost without them! I hate thinking that they deserve better because my mum died when I was 15 months old, and I never want them to know what that was like. 

I am really struggling today, with wanting to gamble and feeling bad about myself, i just want to make everyone proud instead of feeling like im letting everyone down. The apps i used to gamble had free games on and i would count down the minutes until i could do the free spin or the free matching game. I now cant do that and even that is hard to not do, just in case i could win! I said in the chat about the free £2 bet i had for sports and i was going to bet on England to win.. And They Did!! WOO! BUT... I couldnt help but think.. "If i put that £2 on i wouldve won more  money" even though we know.. i would have just spent it all on gambling anyway so i wouldnt have won anything in reality and would just be in the exact same position all over again! 

I know this will get easier but at this moment I am finding it so hard to not try to find a way to gamble.. I have no money my partner has money to get a few bits that we need and that is all we have. Until next month. Thankfully we have loads of food so we wont run out of dinners and things! I am just glad that i didnt put us in a bad situation of not having food and my children going hungry i would never forgive myself for that! 

I dont think i will ever forgive myself for putting us in the situation that we are currently in. I owe my dad a lot of money due to him lending us money to pay a few bills (non important bills) and little bits that we need and baccy. But he is such an amazing dad and has said he doesnt care when he gets the money back we just all need to get straight with our money and then go from there! I have such an amazing support system at home, i dont think id have made it through if it wasnt for my family!

Sorry i am just rambling on now! its nice to be able to talk to someone that i dont know personally and just get random stuff out! I hate struggling this much. I havent felt this bad in myself in a long time.. and i feel bad about myself every single day! 

I hope you are well! 

Sammie xx

Sammie your not rambling, this is your diary to get everything off your chest, you write whatever you want ?

I'm so sorry your finding things so hard, when you say you can't gamble is that because you now have blocks in place or because you have no money? I'm not even going to pretend its easy, its far from it, I've been struggling with gambling for over 5 years. Never stopped for long before I was back at it. But it was alot to do with my mental health. Feel like I've not been here properly in life the past few years, like I was just floating through, watching someone else live it. Couldnt even tell you how much I've gambled in that time  , but what I do know is it is a HUGE amount. And I feel the same, guilt. Its what gambling does, makes you think that its the only think you need. Try not to beat yourself up about your kids, there young, you have so much time to turn this around. 

I'm glad you have food in, I sunk to some lows in the past and actually gambled money that was for food and then had to borrow money just to feed my kids. It hurt so much knowing what I had done. I too felt my kids would be better off without me, but I now know that is far from the truth..no one could love them like we do ?

I'm glad your family are so supportive, really makes the world of difference. My partner has put up with so much from me, yet he's still here, still supporting me. 

We owe my partners dad alot of money (I say we, I mean me), and I will slowly pay that back. I think guilt is one of the worst feelings ever. It really does eat you up. Yet its so hard to let go off. 

I'm sure your family are proud of you, and you can make them prouder by fighting this. There's chatrooms on here at 1pm and 8pm. Found out last night that there's a womans only chatroom on a Saturday, think she said at 6.30pm. Also you can ring gamcare or talk to them on the netline when your struggling. Have you read some diaries on here? Some really encouraging ones under 'recovery diaries', people have done amazingly well beating this addiction. 

Its only been 10 days I think since I last gambled, I've been here many times before and relapsed. Something feels different this time, think its a combination of better mental health support and that guilt, the guilt that I no longer want to feel. 

Why don't you plan a nice day for you and your partner n kids for the weekend. Pack a little picnic and go to the beach or park. Thats what I'm planning to do, get away from devices and temptations and just enjoy some family time.

I'm really sorry you lost your mum, don't let your kids lose you. No matter what, you matter, your loved and you are the most important person in there world. 

Keep fighting.

I saw this before and it made me smile, as my diary on here is called no looking back.....

?DON'T WASTE YOU're TIME LOOKING BACK AT WHAT YOU'VE LOST.......MOVE ON BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT MEANT TO BE TRAVELLED BACKWARDS?

Take care 

Stace x

Hi sammie

I'm on and off like a lot of folks on here.

Perspective I lost around 40k over 4 years often 1k or more in a single sitting with the inevitable raw feeling on waking up.

I have around 10 months to go to be mostly debt free. 

Apart from a very few high points well decent wins, most of the time taken up during gambling binges were stressful, sneaky, heart thumping, and negative. 

It's not in any way a sustainable way to emotionally feel and its financially destructive. 

Recognise it for the drug it is rather than a pleasurable way of life and pug some weeks of abstinence in and gets a lot easier to see this and relax back into life again. 

Even if a decent win comes along which Is so rare as my experience is up a bit down a bit ad nauseum it all goes back eventually as the urge is to play rather than accumulate money. 

It's a no win situation and life improves considerably when you stop throwing money at this kind of pastime. 

Spend your intended stake on somethings from amazon instead if you must but unless your sufficiently well off for continuous losses overall not to impact your life and mental health stop as its just pointless and disastrous. 

Casinos just see you as a source of revenue, a unit for their monthly audit on profit. 

It's an unsavoury one sided relationship with dire consequences if continued long term. 

Read a book, join a class, go for a run, feed your soul with positive encounters as gambling is something that can't be controlled and leads to such misery. 

Time away from it allows a better assessment of it and it gets a lot easier to deal with much more quickly than you may think. 

Regards

Frank

Best wishes 

Hi sammie how is it going 

Hi debsy,

nice to hear from you,

it’s day 6 and I’m really struggling, we have no money my daughter is in self isolation because someone in her class tested positive for Covid, need to rely on the school for help during this week for food for lunches, 

I can’t help feeling so rubbish and upset that I have put us in a awful situation like this 

how are you doing? 

Hi Frank..

thank you for the reply, 

im finding things very tough but day 6 today and it’s getting slightly easier to not want to gamble, but I just feel so helpless and down all the time I’m struggling really bad at the moment 

hope you are well

Think there's a link with having bpd because I also this condition