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Need advice plz  

 
Diane Mckenzie
(@diane-mckenzie)

I have just found out my partner of 8 years has been gambling Fir the past 9/10 months he has admitted it and said he feels like a weight has been lifted now I know n that he will stop..if he puts his mind to it he usually does it like he stopped smoking without help n had smoked for over 20 years n never  touched one since n now been 2 years ...do I trust him? How do I behave around him? He doesn’t want help n said he can do it on his own.

 

any advice would be great full 

This topic was modified 2 months ago by Diane Mckenzie
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Posted : 5th August 2020 2:37 pm
Dan781
(@dan781)

I came clean to my wife about 2 months ago after a 3rd bout of gambling over the course of 20 years. Lied like a trooper to cover everything up from her. This is what I've done since telling her.

Cancelled all betting services. Didnt put a block on. Some do some dont. My wife is scrutinizing my accounts very carefully so she would know straight away. Once a week to go through all his accounts(current, credit, savings)make sure every penny is accounted for(we gamblers cant be trusted...at least for some time)  See if he'll talk with someone from gamcare or other betting helplines. I went through gamcare and am still doing the therapy once a week and found it very helpful.

Being on these forums helps as you see you're not alone in being infected with this problem. 

Hope this helps and wish you and  your husband all the best going forward

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th August 2020 3:39 pm
Frankiewx
(@frankiewx)

Hi, I’m new to this and only on day 2 but I agree to see if he’ll just sign up and read some posts or even write his own. I convinced myself years ago I had it under control and I was wrong. I wish I’d done this sooner so try and encourage him!! Good luck to you both x

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Posted : 5th August 2020 4:38 pm
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

Sit down and speak to him about it, he should be prepared to give full disclosure and therefore he should be willing to sit down with you and go through his gambling accounts if he has not self excluded or his bank accounts, credit cards, paypal etc, the reason for this is so you can see the true extent of his gambling, you will see how much time and money he wasted rather than taking his word for things.

I know he gave up smoking without help, I did also but it did not stop me hitting rock bottom with my gambling. You have done the right thing in coming on here and trying to educate yourself on the matter. At least he realises he has a problem which is the first step to recovery. Keep posting updates here, you will get support from fellow members here.

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Posted : 7th August 2020 12:29 pm
Diane Mckenzie
(@diane-mckenzie)

Thank you for all ur advice ..I have sat down with him every night since finding out n last night he went on the GameStop n registered I was sat nxt to him so that has been done ..he is Truly  gutted he let himself n us down n says he hasn’t had or hasn’t been tempted to put abet on ..I am open n honest with him about my feelings n I know he is scared of loosing our family unit me n our 2 children together ...he is Determined to stop n said if he thinks he is struggling he will ask for help ...

I still don’t believe him n question everyday  if I’m doing the right thing for me n kids in staying but I wanna help him ...can u ever trust the again? 

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Posted : 7th August 2020 1:22 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi Diane I think with time you will trust but not the total carefree trust that you probably had before. And as the recovering gambler in our family I don't think that you should ever have total trust again gambling is a demon that will always lurk , my worry is that he doesn't want help you will see  time and time again on here that willpower is not the best tool to overcome gambling addiction. Obviously it plays a part of course it does, could you encourage him to go to GA meetings? If not my best advice would be make sure you and the children are protected and won't be financially impacted if he relapses. If he overcomes this brilliant I hope he does but be proactive look out for worrying signs I'm not saying spy on him etc but just be aware. Good luck hope it works out for you as a family. Best wishes

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Posted : 8th August 2020 1:34 pm
Diane Mckenzie
(@diane-mckenzie)

Thank you ...spoke again last night n he has said he isn’t even tempted to go on sites or have a look even adverts on tv don’t bother him ...he thinks it was more obsessed than a gambling problem n gets frustrated coz of the damage he has done to us ...he didn’t see it as a problem or lying he said ...he has his own money n so do I so it’s never our money N he has never used money he doesn’t have  eg always makes sure his bills r paid n his rent anything else he uses some of it for the gambling that’s why he thinks he can stop without help 

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Posted : 9th August 2020 8:51 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi Diane 

does he see it as a problem now? Unfortunately most of us think it’s ‘our’ money, but it’s ‘marital’ money under the law.

My husband had the same mindset, ‘ I can afford it, it’s my money.’ He carried on for many years.

it isn’t about money, it’s about why?, what are they escaping from?

its also not about watching over him, making sure he does what you say. It’s about him taking responsibility and acknowledging the problem. 
We cannot control others.

If you do all the fixing he will rely on you to sort out the mess without ever dealing with it himself.

Make sure you protect yourself financially. This is progressive and can get much worse. 

 

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Posted : 9th August 2020 9:19 am
Diane Mckenzie
(@diane-mckenzie)

Hi yes he knows it was a problem n says he’s stopped in his head he has to choose either gambling or family n he knows one bet n he will-loose everything ...he knows he has to try n five things and is willing to do whatever it takes to warm my trust again ..he signed up to Gamstop closed all accounts ta down as well tho he only bet on 2 accounts ...yes it is his money he earned it regardless of it officially being the laws but I have nowt to do with his money n vice versa ..he doesn’t n won’t rely on anyone he never has we are both the same that way 

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Posted : 9th August 2020 9:34 am
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