My name is Chris and I'm a compulsive gambler.
I've been feeling a bit down recently, many small things which don't really matter that much, but for me they've been building up like one big wave that feels it's about to come crashing down, each tiny problem a tiny wave adding to the overall size of the problem.
Anyway, I heard this below from an episode of Elementary. Sherlock, the main character, a drug addict, is explaining how he is feeling, and I identified with it immediately.
"I've been feeling a little bit down of late, it's the process of maintaining my sobriety, its repetitive, it's relentless, and above all it's tedious.
Two years in I find myself asking, is this it? My sobriety is simply a grind. It's this leaky tap which needs constant maintenance, and in return offers only not to drip.
I used to imagine that a relapse would be the climax to some grand drama, now I think if I were to use drugs again it would be an anticlimax, it would be a surrender to the incessant drip drip drip of existence."
Swap drugs for gambling and two years for two and a half years, that's exactly how I feel right now. I know it will pass, I also know that being able to share how I'm feeling helps to take the power out of problem. Gambling isn't the problem, I'm the problem and gambling is the symptom. I can sit with this until it passes because it will.
I have relapsed before and I don't want that again.
I've sat with worse feelings since my last relapse and they passed, and so will this.
I thought it might help someone else currently sitting with a problem, letting it pass. You're not alone.
Just a short note to mention that I think you set a tremendous example to all other members.
I take so much from this post because sometimes in the past when things got really tough I relapsed without at least trying to post my thoughts or reach out. I had the “who cares attitude” and when I did relapse I instantly regretted it and it would take months for me to stop again.
Nowadays I am more experienced at dealing with my emotions as are you. You are able to sit with what is far from perfect and you put faith in your beliefs that these feelings and emotions will pass and absolutely they will.
I read lots on the forum but posts like this do so much for me the reader. However, this isn’t about me its about you and I hope things get better quickly. You set a fabulous example to me tonight.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you well.