My son started gambling when he was 19 he’s 32 now. I’ve bailed him out many times and it took a long time for me to realize that just made the problem worse. He went into treatment for three weeks in his mid-20s and came out his old self and it was nice To have him back. He never kept up with his aftercare and never dealt with the debts. When he was working and going to school he seemed to be doing relatively well. But since Covid he has had no work and had to stop school — In the last few months he has been back to his old behaviours and I can tell that by his isolation, Mood swings irritability and so on, and stories about $. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he denies it completely and says that he no longer gambles or even thinks about it. The other day he told me a story about bumping into an old gambling buddy and that he really couldn’t trust this friend was saying because you know gamblers they can’t be trusted. He said all the right things and compared himself to this guy, claiming that he, himself wasn’t gambling.
I couldn’t figure out why he told me the story at first I thought that he was trying to comfort me because I have tried to talk to him that I’m seeing the signs of old behaviours and that I was worried and was here to support him. But the next day, I found out from a friend that he had approached her son for money. She asked me not to tell that she had told me about this.
The next day I talked to him and said I couldn’t figure out why he told me that story and wondered if it was to comfort me but that I didn’t need comforting and that I would prefer that he could be honest with me and I could be honest with him so that I’m able to support him if he’s going through a rough time. He was very quiet, he didn’t comment and also didn’t Bolt out or deny it. How do I get him to talk about it and admit it or what do I say to him? It’s very hard to see him going through this and to see how much it has changed him. I am definitely not going to bail him out and I’m getting support for myself. I’m going to Smart recovery meetings. I’m sure he’s in debt everywhere and I imagine he’s done some illegal things to get money as he has in the past. I still can’t figure out why he told me that story is he asking for help in a backhanded way or is he just trying to get me off the scent? He lives with his father ( who is in total denial about the problem) he thinks the problem was solved with our son’s bout in treatment.
how to get him to see a therapist or admit he has had a relapse?
Hi worried-mom,
From everything you've said, it sounds quite likely that your son has relapsed. The conversations about his gambling friend and money are probably because gambling and debt is all he can think about right now. It becomes completely overwhelming.
The tough part is that you can force him to get help or acknowledge the problem. He clearly isn't ready to. But doing nothing will just let the problem grow.
I'd firstly suggest having a calm conversation with him. Tell him he has one chance to come clean. No judgment or anger. And make it clear you'll support him with the recovery, but not necessarily financially.
If that doesn't work, you may need to back him into a corner. Get people to confirm they've lent him money or seen him gamble. Ask to see his bank statements. He shouldn't care unless he is hiding something. This will probably be emotional and upsetting for you both. But in the long run, it's far better to force help on him now than let it continue. He will thank you eventually.
Thanks for your advice. I will try and talk with him. Yes, I agree with you that he has relapsed. I appreciate that you took the time to respond.
Hello Worried Mum and welcome to the forum.
This is how gambling presents very difficult problems to relatives and loved ones. Its difficult to give you the words you want to hear.
Firstly the trusted advice is to protect yourself and the family network from lending or giving him money. No inheritances or large presents etc Within reason its not healthy to keep it private and people dealing with him would need to know.
His father needs to know and your financial dealings with his father will have to reflect whether his father is in denial
Now I believe that you have to be proactive and tell him gambling is not acceptable to you and anything you do is to try and help him while protecting others. Its so difficult to say that you may have to take a tough approach for example he cant stay with you
This can be a fine line if he is prone to saying that you might interfere with his life. Its difficult and in essence its not fair on you but I feel you have to try something. he may feel as if you are trying to cut him off which is counter productive.
However you have to realise you are dealing with an addict in the grip of an addiction
The facts are that he is an adult and would need to be ready to stop or your advice may fall on deaf ears
I feel there is a time for tough talking and you should try and talk it through with him. You will have to bear in mind that he will have the mind of an addict and the possibilities are that it will make you ill with worry of you feel you cant get through to him.
Its not your fault so you cant be hard on yourself . As you say you may well need some counselling, further advice and support over this
A gambling addiction is a drug addiction, a mugs game and a vice. Its highly addictive and dangerous so you are not wrong in trying to stop him from doing it.
We dont know your full relationship and how you deal with this is your decision.
Very best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi... I agree with much of what has been written, but there is also the sense that you just need to leave him to get on with it. As a compulsive gambler myself the bottom line is that I figure things out and want to help myself or I don't. The reality is that sometimes I want to help myself and sometimes I don't. Sometimes am motivated not to gamble and sometimes am not. My mum actually said to me once that "if you decide to gamble until you are hungry and homeless, then I would be sad, but it would have been your choice" and what's that other saying "you can love someone but you have to set them free". You can't force recovery on someone, it comes from them, it comes from within and in a sense outside interventions are limited in effectiveness.
Maybe my thoughts just reflect my current state of mind but try to be realistic going forward.
All the best
Thank-you all for your feedback.There is no getting through to his father, and I have to accept that. my son is shut down and not communicative at all. if he does come by, he has one word responses. I have tried to talk to him. he said I am thinking of gambling, but he isn't gambling. It's not easy. I have protected myself. it's heartbreaking.
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