Hello,
My fiance came clean to me last week. As I wrote to someone else on another forum, I was shocked and massively heartbroken. However, I recognise that this is an illness and needs treatment. He does not have a great relationship with his family but now that I know about this, I am in full support of him and I am positive we will beat this together.
He has signed up to gamstop and gamban. He gave me access to his bank accounts and credit report. He attended his first meeting last week and will attend another one tomorrow. We have setup a payment plan for his debts. His dad paid most of it because of the ridiculous interest rates but he's set up a direct debit to pay his dad off every month. He pays me the rent and bills on the day he gets paid (although this is not new). He also plans to put away a certain amount to his savings acct each month. We agreed we'll check his bank accounts together every few days or so.
We both recognise that of course there is a trust issue at present. I was open to him, I said we need to work on it together. But what I'm finding difficult is getting the balance between trusting him again and letting my guard down. I don't want to treat him like a prisoner but I also want to support him in such a way that we have strategies in place to make it difficult for him to gamble again (his method was mainly online on his mobile phone).
Last night he told he me that he hopes I will be able to trust him again in the future. Of course I want to trust him again but obviously don't want to be complacent. It's difficult. Anyone else in the same situation?
Hiya Pep,
you are not alone. I am also the wife of a CG, my OH had gambled previously and been fine for years, until he relapsed again. Since then, after the initial hurt and anger, we have become calm and honest, and we have learnt that this is a lifetime commitment from Both of Us!
I hold full financial control, with access to his banking app and as a general rule his card lives in my purse. As for the “treating him like a prisoner”, I work in the, if he asks for his card, he generally explains what for, he takes the card and then returns when he has finished. He makes decisions over “what he spends his money on” whether I think it’s a “good spend” is different, if it’s not gambling then he can make reasonable decisions over what he spends his money on himself.
I hope this helps.
TOHOT x
If you're going to stay with him you need to have full financial control permanently. You can't trust him so don't. They will tell you what you want to hear then be back at it without missing a beat. If he's really ready to stop he won't put pressure on you to do so now or in the future. Mr L can look at the bank accounts any time he likes but he'll never have unscrutinised access to them again.
On another note it's not a good idea to bail them out even if the interest rates on the loans seem appalling. It maintains their credit record and gives them a clean slate to do it all over again as many of us have found. It's better for them to sort out their own mess. It starts making the connection between action and consequence that they've lost. I realise it's done now but my advice would be to keep an eagle eye on the credit reports (all three agencies) and bank accounts.
Thanks TOHOT and well done to you and partner 🙂
Yes i am aware that chances of relapse is very high. And I accept that, I reminded him that if he does go into relapse he must speak to someone asap (myself or his sponsor) so that he can get back up again and not sink into that deep mud.
We do not hold a joint acc. We now check his bank account daily. He ordered the Monzo card (as it has a gambling block) and intends to use it to budget for his daily expenses and he’ll show me the app regularly also. I will suggest he keeps receipts as well just for my peace of mind.
Do you have other advice please re financial control?
Thanks @lethe
I don’t think he’s pressuring me he did say he hopes i’ll trust him again at some point in the future and he knows this is not any time soon. I’ve done a lot of reading and yes sadly a lot of CG go into relapse- He knows this as well from meetings. Taking it 1 day at a time is his mantra. He has my support but I will not be complacent.
Yes his dad paid for most of it because we intend to buy a house in 2 years so he needs to have a good credit. His dad intends to give me a considerable amount to help with the deposit as now of course he trusts me more than him. This is probably thinking too much ahead but my next question is how do i protect the property if it will be under both our names? Shall i try convince him that it should be under my name only?
Also what are the other 2 credit agencies? We’re using credit karma now.
Thanks in advance x
I think re. the property you should take proper legal advice. The house was transferred into my sole name after the first lot of debt Mr L ran up but it's not foolproof.
The three agencies are Transunion (Credit Karma), Equifax (Clearscore) and Experian which you can access free through MSE's Credit Club. You need to see all of them as lenders may report to different agencies. Check your own files too. It's not unknown for gamblers to take out credit in partner's names.
Thank you @Lethe, how are things going with you and Mr. L?
We'll sign up to Clearscore and Experian tonight! He's also agreed that I hold his debit card when his Monzo card arrives. I suggested that he keep his credit card active (with me holding it) just to help with his credit score but he said he'd rather close all credit cards to reduce temptation. Any other strategies are very welcome.
Hi Pep
Mr L is doing OK thanks. He now has (as far as I can tell. We can never be 100% sure. If they're hell bent on gambling they will) six plus years gf under his belt.
Other strategies: Self exclusion from all his accounts for as long as possible. Push for permanent. He can exclude from every bookie within a postcode district with one phone call. Gamstop - full five years non negotiable, Sense for land based casinos. If he has cash see receipts to the penny. Mr L doesn't actually carry even small change. He uses the bank card to the joint account which I look at very regularly.
If he uses his phone to gamble consider a basic brick model with no internet access. If it's a work phone he should be aware employers can and do monitor what's done on them and may well have a no gambling policy.
Salary either to you if his employer is amenable or to an account you control. Mr L has a basic (no OD) Co-op bank account for this.
If he wants to close all credit cards I personally would. The less opportunity there is to run up debt behind your back the better. I haven't had a credit card for years and my score is near perfect. Mr L's has just unfortunately returned straight to near perfect having tanked after a couple of defaults which have now dropped off.
Tell anyone you can think of who might fall for a sob story. A desperate for cash gambler doesn't care who they lie to to get cash. Don't keep secrets for him. It rarely ends well.
He should be looking into counselling (free from Gamcare) and getting to GA meetings. He needs to get to the root of and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion.
Get support for you. Family, friends, Gamanon if you want to and read all you can about what you're both up against.
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