I've always been dillusional about my gambling. But after today I can't deny it anymore. I lost control over 2 years ago and lost over 11000 in one sitting playing online blackjack and slots. I just kept chasing the recovery so that I could finally stop, I know it's sounds foolish. I had just met my partner 6 months prior and I didn't want to burden her with this so early in the relationship. So I made up a lie about recieveing a massive tax bill due to my change in jobs. This had happened to few others I worked with, so it granted my lie a bit more believability.
2 years later and we're now saving to get married. I had been agonzing over this for 2 years and thinking, if I keep myself right and save money in the meantime that she'll see I'm a worthwhile, dependable spouse. I had planned to come clean before the wedding, but the shame of it all just kept making it harder as time passed. I'd do anything to distract myself. Go for 8 mile walks and clean the house constantly etc. This morning, (6 months before wedding) i couldn't take it anymore and it all came rushing out of me and I wound up taking my first panic attack. I have issues with self worth and I havnt processed the death of my parents 3 years ago. I just got used to saying "I'm fine" when anyone asked. I know now that I have a lot of work to do on myself, and I don't want to ever feel as low as I do now, knowing that I have disappointed my partner and betrayed her trust. I can only hope that she can forgive me and we can move on from this over time. Whatever she chooses, I will support her. But this is not about making amends purely so she well stay with me. I need to make positive changes in my life and learn to love myself again.
I haven't gambled online since that time but I need to get to the route of the problem so that I can grow as a person. Coming on this forum is one of the first steps towards this. I wasn't expecting much when I came on, but within the first 30 seconds I could see that I'm not alone. Thank you all for giving me the courage to tell my story
P. S. Sorry the grammars so bad I'm writing on my phone
I bet your head is in a spin, I get what you say about not getting over the death off your parents It doesn't matter how long ago it was it's weather we allow our self to grieve as the minds the most powerful computer in the world. My mum died 8 yrs ago but I choose not to remember when she passed or when her birthday was as that makes it easier for me. Well down to the gambling now , it's the most horrible addiction you can have and easier to hide from people who don't live with us or share our finances. Get it out and start your married life with no lies
Dear New Chapter,
Welcome to GamCare and for posting so openly on the Forum. You have clearly given a lot of thought to your position and I am really pleased you felt able to reach out for support; what you describe you've been holding for so long, trying to persuade yourself and others around you that all was 'fine', was bound to overwhelm you at some time. I think you very much summed it up when you said 'I need to make positive changes in my life and learn to love myself again.'
You will be able to access a lot of really good advice and support on the Forum; you are not alone with this.
If we can help make you a referral for some treatment support, which would allow you the space to start addressing some of the factors that amount to the bigger picture of your gambling as you have mentioned in your post, please do get in touch with us on the helpline 0808 8020 133 or on the netline (web chat) both of which are available seven days a week, 24 hours a day. We can also offer you some practical advice on ways to restrict your access to online gambling.
Thank you again for finding the courage to share your story.
Wishing you all the very best,