Lost control over online slots

I have a very similar story. I lost control over 2 years ago and lost over 11000 in one sitting playing online blackjack and slots. I just kept chasing the recovery so that I could finally stop, I know it's sounds foolish. I had just met my partner 6 months prior and I didn't want to burden her with this so early in the relationship. So I made up a lie about recieveing a massive tax bill due to my change in jobs. This had happened to few others I worked with, so it granted my lie a bit more believability. 

2 years later and we're now saving to get married. I had been agonzing over this for 2 years and thinking, if I keep myself right and save money in the meantime that she'll see I'm a worthwhile, dependable spouse. I had planned to come clean before the wedding, but the shame of it all just kept making it harder as time passed. I'd do anything to distract myself. Go for 8 mile walks and clean the house constantly etc. This morning, (6 months before wedding) i couldn't take it anymore and it all came rushing out of me and I wound up taking my first panic attack. I have issues with self worth and I havnt processed the death of my parents 3 years ago. I just got used to saying "I'm fine" when anyone asked. I know now that I have a lot of work to do on myself, and I don't want to ever feel as low as I do now, knowing that I have disappointed my partner and betrayed her trust. I can only hope that she can forgive me and we can move on from this over time. Whatever she chooses, I will support her. But this is not about making amends purely so she well stay with me. I need to make positive changes in my life and learn to love myself again.

I haven't gambled online since that time but I need to get to the route of the problem so that I can grow as a person. Coming on this forum is one of the first steps towards this. I wasn't expecting much when I came on, but within the first 30 seconds I could see that I'm not alone. Thank you all for giving me the courage to tell my story

Hi,

Living with gamble problem it a painful inside and it is killing you deeply. I totally understand how it feel that couldn't tell anybody as it embarrassment and shameful what kind of person am I wasted so much money without a thought how important of that money. Although I am not struggle at the moment  as I used my saving fund the gamble but it could be much better if I was not gamble, life would be more beautiful. Now I am living everyday with guilt, stress and depress I could not get myself move forwards from thinking about the losses . I have tried to keep myself busy doing some various projects at home but it seems not help me stop thinking about lost over gamble. I have learnt  a big lesson this time it will take a long time for me to get over it, the damage had done and beyond repair. I will take one step at a time to rebuild my thought and focus to positive in life, for me I rather kept it to myself than hurt my loved ones as I don't think they can take if they know that how much I have spent. Now I have prevent myself to access all the financial by paid all my saving to the mortgage which meaning that I won't have money to myself. Also, each month I have set up to pay more on mortgage which will left only few hundreds pounds to pay the bills, this is the only way that I can prevent myself to use the money spend on gamble.

What destruction can an addiction cause, if it was drink or drugs you can only spend so much but boy is gambling more scary due to the amount you can go through in such a short period of time 

Very true, completely agreed  also money means nothing whilst you in the games, especially when you were chasing your losses. Then you realised that thousands of pounds had gone in a short space of time, the more I think about, it given me more guilt and depression.The gamble addiction it pure demon it haunted you in daily life,only me that can fight  with this demon and I hope I can win this time.

I also hope you win with the addiction this time nono as we both know who is the only winner and how destructive this demon is. The demon only needs to catch us off guard once we've got to stay away everyday off our life's,  but we're strong and can beat this beast as I can a sure you they won't get one more penny or tears from me

I had an addiction to online slots (see my recovery diary), but are now 2 years GF. I ran up a huge debt that I am slowly clearing.

Gamstop was the saviour for me ... It stopped my access to the sites, and so I stopped. Trust me, I had had numerous attempts to stop without registering, and never managed it. 

Hi,

Thanks for the chat I have take a looked at your diary it so inspiring ,I did contact GameStop couple months ago but failed to upload my documents, imagine that if I success follow their instruction it could prevent me spending on gamble and I would save thousands of pounds. I will take it seriously this time as I not trust myself the temptation is so high if I not be careful I might lost it all including my family.

Wise words said and all I have left to lose is my family as I'm stripped bare nowhere else to run or hide I had my biggest destruction and loss on the 24th of April and it's still coming back to take that little bit more away until like today I'm barecand left with my family who mean more to me than gambling but for so long I've not seen it as one or the other but as me having the best of both. I'm taken one day at a time my friend and hopefully in time I can get on top of the destruction my last gamble has left behind. Thousands off pounds for nothing what a total waste but at the time the consequence don't seem to matter if only we could turn back time but sadly we can only move on sorting the havoc in our past. I've never been left with nothing before never had to turn to a church to feed my family how ashamed I feel,  I've made that many phone calls I just need a day off if that makes sense. Wishing you the wisdom off forward thinking as that's what I believe would sort us all out

After more than 6 weeks succeeded away from online slots habits I'm back to spinning and wheeling again!! £10   let to £250 within 10 mins I JUST COULD NOT BELEIVE  WHAT I HAVE DONE !!!!!! I thought I totally in control and will not spend any penny on them but here we go again back to square one, when I am going to learn that chasing the loss will only escalate more loss. I will try again to stop this habit and hope eventually I can be successful one day.

@nono

Sorry to hear that. About six weeks ago when you were on here you said you put a block on your card and excluded from betting sites. How did you gamble and what can you do next time to help yourself?

Chris.

Hi Chris,

I've blocked the main card but I still got other card that I should not be using it, I just let it slipped as you know I excluded from most of betting sites but not register yet to Gamestop meaning I still free to gamble.  Today this website just pop up in my email for promotions and I thought  just play for fun but got carried away. I should know better but still let it happened, I totally angry with myself whilst I was on the games money mean nothing just a number how could I wasted money like that. I will try to deviate my interest to something else, keep myself busy as much as I can and I will transfer max of my wages to saving account that cannot be withdraw to prevent myself access to my own money, just live on what it needed each months. I think this the only way I can stop my gamble addiction and refresh my life again. Thanks for listening 

@nono

Hopefully you can sign up to Gamstop then. Is there anything stopping you?

What about having a serious talk with your partner and taking away your access to your money? Would that help?

Chris.