Long Time Lurker

7 Posts
6 Users
0 Likes
3,798 Views
(@cross29)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

Hello all,

I’ve hovered around this forum for a few years now and have reached the point where I thought I should reach out with my experiences (I need some help basically). I’m 25 years of age and I’d class my gambling habit as destructive and short lived, often with rapidly rising stakes and loss chasing.

I was always a heavy gambler and think I showed signs of losing control but never quite got there. I’d often sit on FOBTs feeding notes in until I got to 100-200 then was quite happy to walk away. Same with horses and dogs - both activities my family enjoy doing and I am happy to participate but do find myself gambling by far the largest amounts (without the remorse they all seem to feel). I was financially hindering myself but I was just able to keep my head above water.

Around Christmas I lost a couple of thousand playing online slots. Just bought a house so it basically bled me dry (real bottom of overdraft dry). I parked the lot on a credit card and swore to never gamble in that fashion again.

And I didn’t - I socially joined in with accumulators etc with friends and family but no more than £10-£20 a week. I could support this financially whilst paying a sum towards my newly acquired debt so I was happy that this was controllable.

This was until about 2 weeks ago. The return of horse racing was my downfall. As they say the worst thing for a gambler is a win. I won no more than £200 but it was enough to stimulate all those old feelings again. Today I lost over a grand on virtual horse racing.

With no gambling for so long I was able to cover the cost with my own money but I feel like I’ve failed. I’d accumulated a savings pot which is now semi decimated. The complete loss of control has brought back all those old feelings of guilt and panic, the progressively larger and larger stakes, the lies you tell yourself, the calculations you do (rounding the loss to the nearest hundred perhaps my favourite idiotic calculation of all).

I think being bored is a major gambling trigger for me. As is being tired. My brain just feels like it needs a buzz to get it going and all other logic goes out of the window. As we enter our fourth month of the pandemic I think I just became overwhelmed. I’m in finance by trade (not an investment banker unfortunately) - all my usual savvy around money just totally exits the building when I enter the tunnel of loss chasing.

I guess I need to find out three things from you all - I’ve read so much content on here and I know out there there are some kind people who’ve got their problem under control and are advising the likes of me still experiences relapses and slips.

1) How do you forget the losses? I’m obsessive over this and it’s what really gets me down the most. Tonight I was planning to go for a long run but I don’t want to now after my loss. I recognise this is detrimental and want to do something about it.

2) Is there a way I can distance myself from this short-term gratification of gambling? I feel that’s my problem. I don’t really want to stop betting small amounts in a controlled manner on football at the weekend because I bond with my dad and brothers over it. I’m open to suggestions whether there are tools you can use online to completely curtail it or if there are certain techniques I can try on myself to stop losing control.

3) How have you financially adjusted to best repair your damage? I have my personal finances fairly well mapped on a spreadsheet but every time I lose money I just chop stuff out. If my girlfriend saw she would be horrified (future holiday funds have taken a hit!). Practically, is there anything which helped you fill the hole you left? I’m not talking 100s of k here I’m talking 3-4k max. 

Thank you if you’ve read to the bottom of this. Genuinely any sharing of any experience regarding the above 3 points is most welcome (even if it’s just a mutual understanding or statement about your own problems - reading them helps me). 

 
Posted : 15th June 2020 3:38 pm
(@theonlywayisup)
Posts: 37
 

Hi mate. We share some things in common. I’m 26, and have struggled like you for a long time. I also kept myself ‘just above water’ for years. I also tried to continue with those little bets and Accas with mates. It just having a ‘little’ bet on the football result as I’m at the game. 

That evening I’d chase losses and end up losing hundreds or thousands on virtual horses or some obscure football game or tennis or roulette. 

I am also obsessive about money. I still think about the money I lost during my latest relapse, 10 months ago, from time to time. But it does get better. 

I sense from your post that you are not quite ready to give up gambling for good. But that is what it takes. I don’t think you can go on dabbling £10 or £20 a week and stick to it. Like me, that is why you are here. I really hope I am wrong but I expect to see you back here following another binge at some point. Unless you can come to terms with never gambling again and put the blocks in place. 

If you are serious about quitting, I urge you to download blockers to stop any online gambling. 

Life is so much better gambling free. 

All the best mate 

 
Posted : 15th June 2020 10:45 pm
DaveS1988
(@daves1988)
Posts: 63
 

Hi @cross29

1. Don't try to forget about them. Use them as a frequent reminder of the reasons why you don't want to gamble anymore. Along with the thousands of other reasons I could list on another day!

2. The simple answer is no. You're a compulsive gambler... you could do £2 a week on the lottery and that would still keep the fire alight. If you're serious about stopping you have to completely remove yourself from gambling. You can sign up to Gamstop to prevent any online gambling. Call the multi operator to ban yourself from all local bookies. The thing that helped me most was handing my finances over to my partner... which leads me to point 3. 

3. You have to be honest with your loved ones... gambling feeds off of lies. Also the only way to repair the financial damage is to stop gambling!

It's probably not what you wanted to hear but you really need to try and not circumvent the problem... we spend our gambling lives doing exactly that. My last best was 13th February 2019 and life is amazing... there are much better ways to bond with loved ones trust me. 

Dave. 

 
Posted : 16th June 2020 10:29 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posts: 2156
 

Hi cross29 and welcome to the forum.

Its a complex addiction, a drug addiction and a mind control disorder. Ever seen the cartoons with a devil and an angel on each shoulder? That is a simplistic representation of whats going on

The mind creates a delusional comfort zone to numb the pain. The trouble is that is make you think you can live for another day of gambling.

Part of your mind is sensible thinking of spreadsheets etc. However the controlling part of your mind wants dopamine and adrenaline and it has learnt that it likes gambling feelings in the blood stream. When addicted your whole body craves it just like substance abuse. Whether you binge or constant flow the damage it causes is immense.

You know the answers in your heart. You are chucking money away on those odds. £1 , £10 £200, £2000.....Its all too much and you need to tell your family...Would you drop that money down a grid in front of your family because that it what you are doing

You have a delusional illness and you are still finding a way out to hide it. There will come a time when all escape routes have gone because its a progressive illness you have no control over. Its got a hell ride in store for you and the losses can only get worse.

Your path will become clearer when you have a born again moment and tell people. A little gamble is like telling an alcoholic they can have a little drink once in a  while...it doesnt work like that.

Now to your points

1) In a way you need to be facing those losses and looking at the bank statements with your partner. It will remind you what you have been up to as you try and explain a gambling session. I promise you it will sound like a stoty of being abducted by aliens to them but you need REALITY to start healing your mind. Reality will be the look on their faces.....it will be about telling the strictest non gambler in your family.

Then you will have to focus thet its not a get it back later scheme so you will have to use every thought process to understand the money has gone understand the odds and that your bookie /casino doesnt want to give back the yacht the punters bought them

The risk was all with you. In finance you will understand they have a huge hedge fund to mitigate the risk...They werent risking their mortgage money and it was all carefully calculated.

2) Abstention is the only way. You have no control...proved so its not for you...let it go ...gambling is a mugs game...it doesnt make you life and soul of the party...it makes you a mug or a dreamer like every other punter. Once addicted you have to walk away and put the strongest of blocks in place. The motivation should be not letting your loved ones down ever again...get yourself into a hospital and buy small presents for the very ill patients...you dont know how lucky you are and you dont need feelings provided by devil may care gambling.

3) Well you dont financially adjust with secrets. I used to work in finance and count huge bags of money. It helped twist my mind that it was easy come easy go

However it doesn't grow on trees and you don't have money to waste.

You tell your girlfriend that you are handing control of money away to her and you are going to do some overtime...You tell her a second job is on the way doing anything humble because resting on your laurels is not an option for you.

You need this real born again moment and you need to understand that the cold turkey must be done while your mind heals.

THEN you realise that you can never be complacent again for the rest of your life but that is a positive statement if you want a life. You dont want full trust again as that is a price well worth paying when this addiction actually kills people...Blunt but another much needed reality check for you

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

 

This post was modified 4 years ago by Joydivider
 
Posted : 16th June 2020 11:11 am
(@cross29)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

Thank you all for your advice. It means a lot you taking the time to come back to this post and I think I can see the sense in everything above.

I think my problem was that I never acknowledged I was an addict. I could go months without gambling and feel fine but all it takes is 20 minutes of screen time and a lot of destruction can occur.

I was hoping this wasn’t going to be the answer but I thought it might have been. I always thought I could gamble on sports as I never lost control in those forums like I did on slots or horses. I think I always knew it was still “lighting the fire” as it were.

Nice to hear from someone in the same age group as well. It sometimes seems we’re a rarer breed as younger gamblers but I think our generation is just so transfixed with image and perception that a lot of people just don’t let on. 

Thank you all for your kind words again.

 

 
Posted : 16th June 2020 12:36 pm
(@ben891)
Posts: 1
 

Hi Cross29

This is my first post on the forum which I felt necessary after relating to your story.

I’m 26 work in a similar industry and have similar gambling habits to yourself. I feel like I have two personalities, one the gambling, irrational, out of control side and the other the professional work side.

I got to a point a few weeks ago when I thought enough was enough, and reached out to this site and have been following people’s stories on the forums.

I personally have put together a spreadsheet of all of my finances and debts for the next three months taking into account all predicted outgoings. I try to stick to this as best as possible and I believe I will pay off all of my gambling debts in 3 months time should I stick to my forecasted spending.

However, I’m most worried about when the first pay day comes since I’ve stopped. Usually I see that money come in and the first day I well spend 30-40% of it. However i’m Hoping the various self exclusions and change in my mental approach will be enough to surpass those thoughts. 

I too worry about when my mates do group bets and days out at the racing, whether I will slip back into old habits. I’ve tried to promise myself that I will avoid these situations where possible. (I hope to one day be able to go to the races and say I’ll bet £5 a race and that be that).

My spreadsheet is now my bible. Instead of focusing on the amount of days I’m gambling free, I try to reverse this and focus on the money I’m accumulating to pay off my debts and ultimately save for the future. 

Wish you the best with your next steps and look forward to hearing what they entail. 

 

 
Posted : 16th June 2020 12:48 pm
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)
Posts: 887
 

In my experience you are at the stage that I call habit. It's not problem gambling but it's getting that way. You've started to lose a bit more money than you can afford and would like to control it, both your gambling and your stakes/potential losses. 

My experience is that you can't control it. You've already tried and you've seen how that turned out. As compulsive gambling is a progressive illness the more you do it the more addicted you will become. This doesn't apply to everyone but if you are gambling addictive inclined that tends to be the way.

The reason I say you are at the habit stage and not the problem stage is your life hasn't been impacted too much and your main focus is money lost and debt. You are already keeping secrets and justifying your behaviour so you're on your way and in a few years you'll be there. You have a really good chance now to put it down and live a life worth living rather than going the way you are so to answer your questions through my own experience..

1. How to forget the losses. It sounds like they aren't unmanageable losses and a few weeks of working, not gambling and saving or clearing the debts will see you straight. One of the things in Gamblers Anonymous which was said to me was to "draw a line in the sand". They are in the past and gone. The only thing that will come from chasing losses is more losses. You might win but all that will do is give you hope that you can win more and so the cycle continues. Accept they've gone and move forward.

2. You haven't let go of the gambling. Has it got you beat? You're here so I would say probably yes, it has got you beat. So why would you want to still carry on with small bets? Because you haven't let go. It's the addict talking to you, it wants you to carry on, it's probably saying an accumulator is okay, small stakes for big winnings but it's all part of the dreamworld that gambling has sold you. If you are at the habit stage you'll start justifying it's only £10 or £20 but once you think that's okay it's not a big stretch to £50 or more or what ever stakes get you into trouble. Once you're down you use online slots for bigger returns to cover the losses and so the cycle continues. I tried many times to limit my betting but as long as it lasted (normally days) I was back doing what I had been doing worse! Don't kid yourself.

As far as using gambling as a bonding tool between you and your family that's just justifying again. You'll need to be honest and explain to them that it's becoming a problem so you're going to stop. I understand they might not necessarily understand but at least it gives them a choice to find another way to bond. 

3. Honesty. If you are hiding anything from your girlfriend or lying about your situation then you are giving yourself an excuse to justify more gambling. "I was only gambling to win the holiday money so I didn't upset the girlfriend " or words to that affect are what you'll say. I'm not downplaying your debts but they can get worse so if you come clean now maybe she can help you manage a budget so that you get back on track. The alternative is losing her when you explain your problems in a few years and have £25K, £50K or more debt. You've read people's stories on here. That's you in a few years. Talk to her, don't keep any little debt secret because it will bite you when you least expect it. It might be hard but if the relationship is real and good hopefully she'll support you. In 30 years of GA I don't think I've ever seen anyone not be supported by a partner. Constantly doing it is different and marriages fail but admitting you need help the first time should bring support. The least it will do is take the pressure of thus secret off your shoulders.

I hope that helps.

Chris.

 
Posted : 16th June 2020 1:14 pm

We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.

Find out more
Close