Hey I am new to this forum and I thought I would reach out to anyone who reads this. I have had an addiction for over 4 years but struggled to admit it. I always stopped when I could not afford to lose anymore but usually every 8/9 months the urge would take over and come back to take over my life.
The last few months have been increasingly difficult and it feels like my emotions have been on such a rollercoaster. I let gambling fully defeat me as I lost money, started chasing, lost some more, took out loans to get it all back, I won most of it back but sadly by this time I should have stopped I was hooked, I was lost in this trance, it felt like a magnet was drawing me back to the casino the next day. It was that feeling of winning and I ended up losing it all. I had been dealing with this by myself for some time after I told my parents. I had begged them to keep this between just us and not to involve my sister, brother or girlfriend.
Fast forward a few weeks and within the space of one week I had told my girlfriend, my mother had told my brother and eventually I had to tell my sister. Its been 4 days since my older brother and sister had been told about my gambling addiction and they have not said a word to me. I understand they are in shock rightly so, but over the last week before they found out my parents and girlfriend (who is amazingly still with me) have not only motivated me but been there for me in order to get out of this. I am set on looking forward to my recovery but I struggle with the guilt and how my lies have affected those around me, it eats at me everyday. Mentally I am very strong but I feel like those around me supporting me will always bring up to a reminder of 'That money could have been spent on this or on that' 'Why did you do it wasnt you thinking' 'Are you even remorseful' 'Do you know how many people you have upset'. After having so long to reflect on this I know this all and I think about it everyday with deep regret. But can we ever move forward and recover if we keep reminding ourselves of what happened? These types of questions ring in my head everyday, on the way to work, during work/lunch, when I am home, in the shower everywhere. It eats me up slowly inside day by day, and I feel like the ones close to me should refrain from these questions as it only has an adverse affect on my motivation/ability to make the right steps. Am I wrong for this? Should they be always reminding me of what could or should have been?
Hi Vivpatz1
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your open and honest post.
I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling lately. I'm glad you have reached out on here as it can be a very useful and supportive tool in recovery.
Can I ask what you think triggers this cycle of urges every 8/9 months? Is it related to your financial circumstances? For example does it take that length of time for your finances to be on an even keel again and therefore you feel a little bit of gambling wont hurt and it becomes difficult to stop again or is there other triggers in your life that cause this cycle?
I can understand that it is very uncomfortable and painful that your family know and everything is out in the open, I think the key is to allow time for those around you to adjust. As it has only been 4 days it is still very fresh, but it will get better.
It is important to not be too hard on yourself or become too focused on past mistakes but instead taking responsibility in a positive way and accepting the past whilst (as you have said) focusing on your future recovery.
Our team are available on the Helpline and Netline 24 hours a day should you wish to talk with us on these struggles.
Take care and be kind to yourself
Kay
Forum Admin
Hi viv
my addiction is slots and same as you guilt seems the only voice in my head but not enough to stop!!! Chasing win to make things right just to make everything worse
I think gambling is a form of self harm and even when you try to get better something triggers it back off
but keep being reminded of what I’ve done is already a trigger to why I play again never ending circle
hopefully your family will stop soon guess there still in shock but remind them for you to get better you need support not judgement x
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