It's time I introduced myself...

Hello AnonAngel,

Welcome to the GamCare forum. I am glad you have joined, and I hope that you find the support and encouragement from other members helpful.

I understand that you feel as though you should have recognised the signs that gambling was becoming an issue for your ex-partner, however the problem is not your fault and whilst emotional support can be beneficial to someone with a gambling problem, it is not your responsibility to change their behaviour.

It can be very difficult when you see someone you care about struggling, but they do not seem ready to acknowledge the problem or seek support. Remember that problem gambling is an addiction and your ex partner’s behaviour is not a reflection on you personally.

You sound very caring, and I am glad that you are taking steps to look after your own wellbeing as well – I hope that you find the CBT treatment beneficial.

You are also very welcome to contact us on our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline for support, we are here 24 hours a day. You might also consider attending our group chats. 

Best wishes,

Sophie

Forum Admin

Thank you.

I do want to add, that I forgot to add this morning is upon leaving his house I did say "I love you, if you want me or help, you know where to find me".

I have thrown a life raft out. It's up to him if he decides to take it. 

I am interested in the group chats and shall attend when I can. 

I am ok, I shall be ok. I know I did everything I could to the best of my knowledge at the time. 

Hi @anonAngel

Stumbled across your thread and your kindness and visible pain prompted me to respond and hopefully support in some way.

I am from other side of the fence and am CG. Fighting  this addiction for more than 9 years. Here I progress,  here I have set backs but fighting  spirit keeps me going regardless I suppose.  

I'm very sorry to hear about your experience with this addiction.  First and foremost you must accept that NONE of this is your fault. Active Compulsive  gamblers are manipulative and lying through  their teeth to get what they want...to hide what they've  done and to dig themselves  out of deep hole by putting blame on others...or situations and so on. So it's truly important  you shake the guilt off and the sooner the better. 

No words or actions can make us change. The best will in the world  cannot do that either. Its us who needs to take full responsibility.  Admit defeat and seek inner forgiveness  and strength  to make that change and be a better person. And tbf, we can chat *hit till  cows comes home but the only true word is ACTION. Action about this addiction.  Start of recovery.  Acceptance  and patience because its not an easy ride at all. But with action and positive  steps in place can start the wheels rolling to the right direction. 

He makes his choices and you must make them for yourself  too. Absolutely  nobody can do that and take care of you than you yourself.  I am so glad you have accepted  support from Gamcare. Use the treatment as stepping stone to find that clarity and self care...to find those steps forward you so deserve.  And you deserve  the best things in life. Sometimes  we have to walk away from bad things but that does not make us bad people. Ultimately only you are responsible  for your peace and happiness. 

Keep moving forward...be kind to you and stay close by this forum,  some great advice is offered here. Browse family &friends section, some tough love over there but never better advice from fellow hurting  souls who fell for lies and deceit. 

It's not your fault he has this dirty addiction,  never was and never will be.

Look after YOU now...its time.

Sandra

Thank you for your response @sb28

I have so much on my plate. My own rented home, children, studying a course and looking for work. I was happy to add his spinning plate to the ones I already have, because of love. We were perfectly fine and happy, but then the casino's opened and he changed. I noticed the subtle changes but due to other life situations for him, just assumed a bi-product of stress. He however wanted to state when ending it that we were not the right fit for each other. Which is weird, since a few days before I was still the sunlight in his life. He wanted a life, home and family with me. I've been working on my head space to not allow intrusive damaging thoughts. 

It's hard to not think back to everything said and done between us, was it really me? etc etc. Am I really that horrible and suffocating? Oh dear me, I'm still going on! haha. Sorry 

Anyways, I won't dive anymore into my story and situation in the introduction place. But I'm glad I've taken the steps to actually make the introduction post. 

I however want to say: I knew years ago he gave himself a ban. I should have "known" from that. 

But to those who suffering and are recovering from this, My heart is with you all.

It hurts both side of the coin. 

Hi anonangel

A lot on your plate indeed but hopefully  it will keep your drive and concentration going for more deserving things. Its nice to accomplish things so I guess you  can put more time and mind to studies and them your dream job? Children is also great distraction and love for them can help you look ahead and fulfil the gaps which has opened up. Roof over the head is safety and comfort. Even if a lot going around, it's the way you look at things and challenges  it all displays ? massive well-done for having such brave heart and spirit, good things will come your way sooner or later, just keep looking  ahead.

You know gut instinct? You say everything was amazing until casino's reopened.  Was it? Or its something  what you choose to believe and convince  yourself  with? Gamblers are not being born in a day.  Its ...ummm, its the net of escalation  over the time. The growing sense of strange instability,  frustration,  lack of patience...snapping at small things, dissociation,  changed intimacy  and closeness. Changed focus on daily life altogether. 

You're  right, people change esp struggling with addictions but as I said, this precise  one is one of the hell nasty and lies Web one. Full of t**d. The person you once thought  you knew is not the person anymore. I mentioned  gut.....if you think/thought  something  was off, it most probably was. Its not your job to investigate or raise suspicions on every action he made because as you said, you were led by love and trust. Now all this crumbled  down and as many other halves of CG's struggle  is getting  the trust back. Takes many many years to recover that and without  trust we are hardly humans huh. 

He "banned" himself before and that is red flag already. Do not blame yourself  ... I should of could of know...no...if you aware of that, I guess there was a sense of honesty for him to come clean and tell you that at some point? 

Again, we are responsible  for our own actions. "We can take horse to the water but can't  make them drink"...so, willingness  and desire to change has to come from within.  Don't  hold regrets or beat yours up. You tried to help and support but he was/is blind to it.

Help yourself  and start afresh. Of its meant to be and he comes around....make sure its actions and not words. Hard work -pays off!

S&B xx

Hi anonangel

A lot on your plate indeed but hopefully  it will keep your drive and concentration going for more deserving things. Its nice to accomplish things so I guess you  can put more time and mind to studies and them your dream job? Children is also great distraction and love for them can help you look ahead and fulfil the gaps which has opened up. Roof over the head is safety and comfort. Even if a lot going around, it's the way you look at things and challenges  it all displays ? massive well-done for having such brave heart and spirit, good things will come your way sooner or later, just keep looking  ahead.

You know gut instinct? You say everything was amazing until casino's reopened.  Was it? Or its something  what you choose to believe and convince  yourself  with? Gamblers are not being born in a day.  Its ...ummm, its the net of escalation  over the time. The growing sense of strange instability,  frustration,  lack of patience...snapping at small things, dissociation,  changed intimacy  and closeness. Changed focus on daily life altogether. 

You're  right, people change esp struggling with addictions but as I said, this precise  one is one of the hell nasty and lies Web one. Full of t**d. The person you once thought  you knew is not the person anymore. I mentioned  gut.....if you think/thought  something  was off, it most probably was. Its not your job to investigate or raise suspicions on every action he made because as you said, you were led by love and trust. Now all this crumbled  down and as many other halves of CG's struggle  is getting  the trust back. Takes many many years to recover that and without  trust we are hardly humans huh. 

He "banned" himself before and that is red flag already. Do not blame yourself  ... I should of could of know...no...if you aware of that, I guess there was a sense of honesty for him to come clean and tell you that at some point? 

Again, we are responsible  for our own actions. "We can take horse to the water but can't  make them drink"...so, willingness  and desire to change has to come from within.  Don't  hold regrets or beat yours up. You tried to help and support but he was/is blind to it.

Help yourself  and start afresh. Of its meant to be and he comes around....make sure its actions and not words. Hard work -pays off!

S&B xx

Oh I admit my intuition kept beeping to certain things, situations and stories.
Even him beside me playing an online monopoly game and he kept playing but all the moves were the same, and to the win it would crash. So he would repeat, hyper focused. I kept saying "it's fixed, stop".
I admit at one point I grabbed his optimism for the lottery and online games until I wasted about £20 and said "this isn't for me. I'm not bein rewarded"

He struggles with sleep, would get up in the night but wouldn't be on social media.
I assumed there was an element of control when he told me "just lost £80 to poker, removing the app"

He did become snappy towards me at times, but would apologise and kiss me. Stating he was bothered by life, he had no prospects. I was looking at signs of depression but not what was really going on.

We haven't spoken in 13 days and he still has some stuff at my house. 

I really thought love could save everything. 

Anyways, I've got open eyes now and if he was to return, I would expect him to come with a casino ban and no apps for gambling. I know that's a tall ask (he doesn't know this, as we haven't spoken). 

I have enough to deal with, and I can't carry the weight of what is lost. 

I would support him though. 

Thank you again for your reply

13 days is good start! As much for him but more for you to allow that time to reflect on things and as you say "open your eyes".

I'm struggling to describe this addiction.  It's awful. Yes it does bring desperation  and depression  on too. Ya know it's not easy to keep trying  to cover your tracks, figure out how to avoid yet another honest conversation, how to make ends meet and "pretend" everything is OK. Deep down it is not and we know it ourselves,  let alone ppl around us. But the more we try to cover things, the deeper hole we create...mostly by escalated gambling  to recoup the losses.. its vicious  cycle, truly is and its not getting better even if we promise ourselves,  we stop now, or this will end now...it doesn't because addiction  is too strong and I must say opportunities to gamble are everywhere  too.

Please don't  get me wrong but having blocks in place or self exclusions  are not enough.  He truly needs to want to help himself.  Handle finances  over, start therapy himself, attend groups (GA) and be honest with himself most and foremost. Recovery is a long road, it's not your fault he lead you on this path! You also need recovery and therapy as getting  ones head around it is quite a task. 

Keep doing  what you doing  but please keep your eyes open...love can blind us no matter how positive  feeling it  is. Please stay vigilant and turn all the energy  on yourself  and your kids. 

You matter!

Best wishes, look after  yourself  and stay safe.

S&B xx

Oh, I know. I got tangled in this web and was set free, and yet it still remains on me.

His birthday is coming up next week too, we had so many plans but I know they don't matter now. 

He didn't even want to make the break up final the day he decided. He's stalling on the last part now.
I fully understood that he was avoiding the situation.

I suspect it is difficult to stand up and say "I pick this over you and us". But it's his truth.

Coming back to me would be healing, therapy, bans, apps removed and a watchful, loving eye.
He doesn't want that. yet. I truly understand. Just wish I hadn't been pushed out and away. 

He has a huge lump sum in the bank, how large that sum is right now I don't know.

I just want him safe and happy.

But I want the same for me too. Thank you for the communications on this matter. 

Im afraid  he cannot have both worlds at his feet as the addiction is clearly damaging the relationship.  So decision is his but ultimately  yours also. Stand your ground, please stay strong regarding  this because I  cannot even express to what extent we can lie!!!

I used my parents as excuse before saying I am on the phone to them whilst shut  myself in the room on online slots not realising I was there for good  8hrs..long phone call huh ?...addiction is madness  and please don't take it lightly. Its extremely  serious  and damaging!

I read back a bit and picture I get you had argument  over it and he kicked you out? And "chose" gambling  over you. If that's what it was, hun...run and never turn back! It's disgusting  behaviour and loved one should never ever come to this point in their relationship! He made his choice, if you have no joint accounts or savings, good for you  and he cannot rob you!

I have a feeling  you know...kinda thinking from gamblers  perspective  now..(I hope Im wrong tho) but keep I mind that he may use this argument/split up as an excuse  to gamble because "oh, it made me so upset"....this is bull because he was and still is in control  of his choices. 

I'm being  nasty and rude here I believe but ...truth hurts. Its coming from a good place and you ask any recovering gambler about their time whilst active....I don't think they would differ much from my thoughts  here.

You need to protect yourself hun. It's not just a game here and there...its dreams, plans and future washed down the drain simply because....we cannot win as we cannot stop...and so every penny and more on top goes out of our hands...addiction  is progressive-fact!

X

Oh no, he ended things with me. He wants to be free to do what he wants, when he wants with no one to answer to.

But I certainly heard how I'm a good person but basically not for him. Which, was a huge turn around from before. Oh well. I am where I am now, and he is where he is now. 

I used to think I was special, now I know I'm not. 

I've come back to say I know I was special, I just wish I was to him.

I know I WAS. it's just a cruel situation.

I am ok, I will be ok. I have a LOT to focus on this week. Shall remain No contact. He won't hear from me again besides the contact for returning of the items because I really don't think he's ready yet. 

He is a good person, underneath it all. He's just...doing his own thing now. 

Breathe...you're  special and its his loss! This is why it's so important  to turn your concentration onto you! First you overthinking (absolutely  natural in these circumstances ) secondly - you still beat yourself  up here. Why? Who goes over their heads to be perfect for someone  who is clearly blind to see it? Love.. and we know, love is blind. .soooo,  gather your thoughts, he is not your loss, you're  his! You're  amazing  person with so much to look forward  to! Keep hold of this...don't let him control  your thoughts with self questioning  and doubting. Will not achieve much, you need to put that foot down now and say NO MORE. I MATTER! I AM LOVED AND I DESERVE BETTER! And you do...trust me you do.

Take it easy....just breathe, second, minute at a time...accept that YOU can change and discard  the rest...the rest is in no service for you at this time. Allow yourself  a breather.

Here if need to chat. 

Thank you, I assure you I'm better then when it first happened.

I will be a regular here. I want to learn but also support.

I appreciate your help so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.