Hello all, I posted here that I went like 200 odd days without gambling back in 2016, that was no lie.. ive been back and forth since then, sometimes believing that i have beaten this horrid addiction all on my own. Truth is.... it always finds me again.
I will start again... I am 29 years old married with one boy (10), I have a successful job in social work and just finished studying the first year of the degree.... why am I not happy? I have no idea.. I should be right????
Whatever I have, its never enough? I have come to believe that I am extremely selfish, most would agree...
My husband knows my gambling ways, I fact it all properly started when I met him in 2011, before this I was a single mum, living on a part time wage (I would sometimes gamble £10 here and there on bingo but nothing mad)... he came into my life and gave me the means to gamble more (completely not blaming him for my problem).
So I gambled more and more until id maxed out his credit cards (8k or so).. my parents in law bailed us out.. i cried, I was sorry but I didn't stop.. this cycle continues all in which time we have had 5 failed IVF rounds (my husband is type 1 diabetic and cannot conceive naturally)..
Anyways the truth is that for the last 3 years or so I've continued to gamble.. i would literally choice gambling over electric. Its wild.
Latterly when lock down started..... i was working from home full time, I wiuld drink every night because what else was there to do? People say play with your kid.. go out as a family... i find no enjoyment in any of this.. am I alone in this?
I took an attempt on my life at the start of May (overdose of anti depressants for fibromyaligia and beta blockers for panic disorder... my 10 year old must have seen more than I think because now he doesn't want to leave my side and god forbid if i have a glass of wine (I'm only drinking on weekends now).
I googled tonight.. how much amnitryptline do I need to take to die.. this frightened me.. I thoughy my god if this doesn't work then I have to face my family again.
Story is, im ruining mine, my child's and my husbands life.
HOW ON EARTH DO I STOP THIS!?
PS I have used gamstop.. been registered for 4 years but I've managed to find sites abroad that are happy to have my money and will pay out. My god give me strength.. ive had enough!
I am so sorry to hear you have been going through such a difficult time and attempted to end your life back in May. You mention “… I’m ruing mine, my child’s and my husband’s life”. Compulsive gambling is a cruel illness and you most certainly did not choose this, but nevertheless you are affected by it, like me and countless others around the world. You have a family that loves and needs you; loves you unconditionally.
I wanted to reply to you, as I recognised your name instantly; back on the 8th November 2016, I posted on this forum for the first time, whilst I was at my lowest ebb, and you were kind enough to leave me this message:
‘I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so well for you at the moment but quitting gambling now will have a hugely positive effect on your life. I know it's painful losing a large sum of money as I have done this myself, but it won't help to dwell on what has happened. The only way is to put it behind you and use it to motivate you to stop gambling. As soon as you do this you can get your life back on track and things will start to get better’.
Please don’t give up, there is hope, and you can get this under control. I know that may not feel possible right now, as that is how I felt when you left me the message back in 2016. But I have now been gamble free for 2 years and 8 months, my last bet being October 2017.
You can do this, I believe in you.
I am sorry you hear things have been and are really hard for you at the moment, it sounds really tough for you. Well done for reaching out for support. I would encourage you to speak to your GP about how you are currently feeling if you haven't already done so.
Have you considered installing blocking software onto your devices you use to gamble. Gamban is effective in blocking access to sites in and outside of the UK, www.gamban.com.
I would implore you to contact us to have a chat about how you are feeling and to discuss the support available to you please contact the 24/7 helpline on 0808 8020 133 or come through on the livechat.
We look forward to hearing from you,
all the best
Hi silverlining. I'm so sorry about the way you feel and me and many others on here as you well know will understand exactly what's going. There are a few things that particularly strike a chord for me. I haven't had IVF but at one stage was on the waiting list and I know that is a massive rollercoaster of emotions and ultimately you feel a failure and that has a huge impact on your mental health. Slightly different for me I had 4 miscarriages which triggered similar type of feelings to yours , the sense of failure, the massive up and down with the hormones, and the longing for a child. I eventually got my miracle my son is 15 years old now, I started gambling after the first miscarriage so for me gambling has been a 20year problem, like yourself fairly controlled at the beginning escalated over the years become a massive problem last few years big loses debt etc etc . Do not underestimate the effect the IVF had on you and the mental stress of wanting to give your husband a child. You have been are still are vulnerable and this addiction thrives on that. Depression is underlying everything you do and feel that's why you find even family time with loved ones of no interest. With me my much yearned for baby is now a teenager and we have a very close relationship but different relationship obviously, he doesn't need me in the same way and I find it difficult obviously at night he's on his Xbox online with his mates ( as he should be). At a time when me and husband should be enjoying our relationship we are really far apart he goes to bed 7ish every night so basically on my own. Over last 1-2 years my addiction has soared in all ways you know full well about. Lying deceitful secrets ..... Today I'm 43 days gamble free and I'm getting there with all the blocks and all the help. You need help fast please ring the helpline don't give up you can get through this. Keep posting as well it's been a huge help for me. Get on the gamble free bus with us
Thank you so much for replying to my post Pete and for remembering me, I am so glad to hear you are doing so well! Today has been easy.. the sun was shining so I was out in the garden most of the day and cleaning the windows! It was a welcome distraction. I am not counting yesterday as day one as I spent £3 bonus money.. that sounds ridiculous when I write it down!
I am done with lying and feeling absolutely nothing for anyone or anything. I want to feel 'normal' and enjoy time with my family.. its so sad to say that the only thing I really enjoy is gambling.
DAY 1 NEARLY DONE!
Thank you so very much for replying to my Post.
I am so very sorry you have been through such an awful time but appreciate you sharing this with me, thank you. Yes, sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the world going through this, the IVF is tough, mentally and physically. At the time of the rounds I didnt really think about my mental health, we cried when it didn't work but then just 'got on with it'. Looking back I didn't deal with the pain or grief. My friends are all starting to have babies and I try so hard to be happy for them but I actually can't be? I love them but I so want what they have, its horrible and makes me feel so incredibly selfish.
Today is day one and its been okay, been super busy, the nice weather helps! I've got a ticket for the gamble free bus, hope its a smooth trip!... i doubt it but I want to make myself be accountable for my actions so here goes! X