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MissLineinthesand
(@misslineinthesand)

I’m addicted, I keep trying to tell myself I’m not but I know that I am. I had to stop & draw a line, my last deposit was on the 30th so this is my day 3 not gambling on online slots.

Deep breath, here goes, I joined online sites probably around 2 years ago & only to get cash back (which is ironic now). I didn’t really play beyond the original deposits but started to play more around a year ago. Around Sept it became my escape after working from home for an hour or so on the slots. I only really played small amounts but soon logged on everyday, the losses mounted up initially to around £1k but then by increasing the stake I managed to win it back & broke even. This has happened a few times since, loosing up to £4k-£5k. I’ve never felt such despair before & I’ve been through my share of life throwing stuff my way.

Easter, I felt so annoyed, upset & hopeless for loosing I even applied for a £4k loan to replace my savings, I managed to win it back just over 3 weeks ago & even around £1,300 in profit, that should have been my lesson stopping & I even remember thinking, I can’t let myself feel this bad again. I felt trapped & found it so hard to move forward, struggling to think of anything but the losses. I managed a week & even missed a day or two logging on, I even paid back the loan in the cancellation period but the inevitable happened after a week & I lost the lot, plus more, I’m just over 5k down now, I feel terrible, ashamed, guilty & a complete idiot. I just could not stop, deposit £100 again & again, spinning the slots, it felt like a trance & a desperate attempt to make a big win. I wasn’t even enjoying it, chasing bonuses & being annoyed when on £9 a spin a bonus paid out a small amount.

I even gambled my monthly pay last week & I’ve had to add an overdraft on my account to cover the loss. I’ve been reading posts on here & it’s helped me to reach my senses. I can replace my savings  (although I’m annoyed I could’ve used this money for better, I’d have rather given it to charity).

I managed to tell a friend who is very close & this has helped (no judgements), I’ve tried to look at the reasons why & there’s been a lot of changes in my life from about the time I increased my playing. I know these are not excuses & I’ve been a fool but I really felt like the gambling had taken over my usually rational self. I’ve never wasted money in my life & NEVER want to again, I’ve drawn a line. It almost feels like myself was crying out for help, if I hadn’t lost such a lot, I’d still be playing, I’ve managed to protect the rest of my savings as it’s in an account I won’t touch. I can’t tell my boyfriend as I know how disappointed he’d be, I’m not in a place where I can take that at the moment.

I know it’s my mental health I need to concentrate on now, I feel in a fairly logical place today, I’m hoping the fog will clear & the morning nerves I feel in my stomach when I wake will pass. I want to jump to being well but I can appreciate it’s going to be a longer journey.

One second, minute, hour, day at a time, I’m betting on me (I’ve seen others say this), that’s the only bet I’m prepared to make now.

Thank you to all of you here for posting your stories, they’ve helped me to realise I’m not alone. I wish you all a happy, healthy future x

Quote
Posted : 3rd May 2021 6:06 pm
Ezzad23
(@ezzad23)

Yeah totally get your point, I've done the same today I never thought I'd go to far but I've gambled my rent, my car insurance and my car finance, couldnt take the loss and it's made me realise that gambling is no longer for me, I will beat the gambler but I will beat it with satisfaction that's it's never taking a penny off me again 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd May 2021 11:47 pm
Amba
 Amba
(@amba)

Hi MissLine.

Initially I started playing via cashback sites so that if I did lose on the actual casino site the cashback payment would still cover the loss and in my mind no "real" actual money of my own was lost. Ha Ha, I should have known better as it wasn't long before real money got involved. I unintentionally found gambling was the "painkiller" for some very difficult life-changing events and I couldn't resist the escapism gambling provided. I see what you mean about not even enjoying the spins  and definitely some of the other things you mention ring true with me too. I think most people here  will identify.

Some people seek help at the first "rock bottom" and some of us find out there are layers of rock bottom we hadn't even imagined existed. That's OK too because it means you gained a little more knowledge than before to fight the gambling monster with.

I'm just 160 days not gambled but I have had counselling and then NHS Gambling Clinic therapy which all took a long and often hard time. I don't have blocks on my phone anymore but I still have the GamStop membership which was brilliant as it enabled me to engage in the therapy fully without fighting the "just one more go" urge as well.

You will get through it. Like you say it won't be a short journey but mix self-discipline with small rewards for not gambling and you'll reach a better place in time. 

My mental health was deteriorating and very unstable so I understand what you mean. I wouldn't say I'm "sorted" in that respect, far from it - but I'm not gambling either.

Goodness I have written more than I expected but please look after yourself, you are deserving of help and kindness and you'll find that here.

All the best.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th May 2021 1:04 am
Debsy371
(@debsy371)

Hi and welcome to the site. I understand and recognise your story as very similar to my own. If I can suggest something which I wish I had done the first time round. Use blocks. Gam stop, gam ban, bank blocks etc. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th May 2021 9:01 am
maxmaher
(@maxmaher)

around 2-3 years ago i would often finish a heavy session and think wow I've just blown a grand , i quite literally might as well have just flushed it down the drain 

now this is the most dangerous part of the gambling addiction because the logical portion of the brain wants the money back in fact no it demands it back because it knows you have been an idiot 

when you combine this with the natural compulsiveness of gambling you start digging a hole for yourself and that hole gets deeper and deeper every time you deposit 

gamblers despite popular believe are often quite obsessed with money and are usually quite miserly in their day to day lives …..again this feeds the addiction and the chase 

its complex but i would advise to try and put your financial situation completely aside literally forget about it .....just focus on not gambling for the time being 

 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th May 2021 9:51 am
MissLineinthesand
(@misslineinthesand)

Day 4 GF
Hi all, I very much appreciate all your replies, thank you for taking the time.

I’ve followed the advice & put Gam Stop in place today, it feels like such a positive move (a relief) as I know at some point when I’m not feeling strong I will pick up my phone to ‘just look’ on the apps but what’s the point in looking when I don’t want to gamble.

I feel like I have a mountain to climb but one step at a time.

I’ve signed up for online Clubbercise class tonight (first in a while), (I can’t dance to save my life, think octopus at a 90’s rave) it makes me smile & I need to focus on physical health to help my mental health also.

Take care everyone, thank you again x

 

 

This post was modified 7 days ago by MissLineinthesand
ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th May 2021 6:33 pm
Foxcub
(@foxcub)

You can do this. Put the blocks in place at the beginning and make plans and lists. That’s what helped me. I switched to Monzo too as you can block gambling transactions on there too. 

good luck with your journey. You can absolutely do this. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th May 2021 12:41 am
Secretaddict
(@secretaddict)

Well done,

I've started doing the get fit with rik classes on YouTube now. I'm currently dieting also so I'm trying to keep myself focused on this and exercise which is helping keep me distracted from any gambling thoughts . Also love watching series so started some new ones with the hubby, usually he would say what shall we watch and cause I just wanted sit on my phone and gamble I would just let him watch but now feel so much better watching something together. 

 

This is my first time attempting gambling free and currently on day 13. It feels so good to see my direct debits not being returned and still plenty of money in the bank. Its amazing how much you notice in them first few days when you have previously sat there repeatedly depositing £30 to chase losses and then end up spending your bill money.

Keep at it and keep posting,  I'm finding coming here and reading keeps me busy when I'm alone and bored so I'm not getting any urges. I know its early days but I would suspect the first week would be the hardest breaking routine. I would go on holiday and still gamble hours there. It controlled me and I'm going to control it now

This post was modified 6 days ago by Secretaddict
ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th May 2021 3:24 pm
MissLineinthesand
(@misslineinthesand)

Day 6 GF

Thanks again for the replies, been a busy couple of days with work but just catching up & still gamble free.

It feels great, very impressed with Gamstop, it kicked in almost immediately & feels a bit like a bullet proof vest in some ways, definitely worth having the extra layer of protection.

I’m still irritated at times for the lost money but not always & trying not dwell on what ifs as the what ifs didn’t help to start with! .... What if I win on that next deposit blah, blah nonsense.

It’s so good to read the positive vibes from recovery stories & it does help to keep focus.

Best wishes to everyone on here x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th May 2021 5:42 pm
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