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I'm confused and don't know if to believe him  

 
Cantgetmyheadaroundthis
(@cantgetmyheadaroundthis)

Hello, 

So I know my boyfriend has had a gambling addiction for a while 

I have just found out he borrowed money off of another girl £3500.

She said she's only met him once in 4 months. They didn't sleep together but have had sexual activity. This happened at the beginning of the four months. 

When confronted my boyfriend he confessed the whole thing. He said he was completely desperate. He out right used her. He done it and got the rest of the money when he asked for it next. And never met her since. Making excuses up why he can't meet or talk. 

He owed a loan shark money managed to get half off of one of my family members and he promised that He was paid off but he wasn't Whne I found out. and this is where the girl came in. He said he heard her mention savings she came into him and he said he took the opportunity.

He has told some sick lies and excuse as to why he can't pay people back. ( he's borrowed off of absolutely everyone)

Now this is out and I have kicked him out. He begs and promise this is it and he wants help he doesn't want to be this person anymore. He doesn't care who knows he has a problem (he's never begged and pleaded like this before) 

He said this girl is in the Same company of work not in the same town. So he done it. He was worried she would report him.

Sounds silly that I'm asking this as I've stayed with him through everything else....

But can gambling make you do this cheat on someone they supposedly love and they have been there for them through everything? I see it as prostituting himself.

Can this be the truth? I can't seem to walk away if it is true? If it is the gambling.

I can't get my head around how gambling takes over like this?

🤦‍♀️ I probably sound so pathetic and none of it makes sense but I didn't know how to explain it. 

 

Quote
Posted : 6th December 2019 7:48 pm
c43h
 c43h
(@c43h)

 

The reply to your question is yes absolutely. Gambling is the biggest love and everyone else comes in at a second place. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this but the only advice I have for you is to look out for yourself because he won't be looking out for you. You may want to have a chat with some counsellors here who can give you some more advice and help numbers to call.

Good luck!

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th December 2019 9:34 pm
klamm
(@klamm)

i wouldn't betrayed my loved one to get a gambling fix. that's avoiding responsibility . it wasn't me. it was gambling. it made me do it. bit childlish. no 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th December 2019 9:49 pm
Cantgetmyheadaroundthis
(@cantgetmyheadaroundthis)

Are you a gambler? As in saying you wouldn't go that far? 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th December 2019 9:57 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi.. I am a compulsive gambler. I keep myself to myself because I wouldn't want to inflict my addiction on anybody else. anyway here are a couple of questions to ponder...

Do you actually enjoy the drama of it all and in a strange way that's the attraction??

Do you feel the need to try and save your boyfriend from himself?

Cos like others have, for a gambling addict, gambling comes first and nothing you do or say will make any difference, unfortunately. Its his struggle.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th December 2019 9:13 am
Cantgetmyheadaroundthis
(@cantgetmyheadaroundthis)

I definitely do not like the drama. 

I cancelled my wedding so I think that's not the issue.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th December 2019 6:38 pm
Compulsive Gambler
(@compulsive-gambler)

 Hi @cantgetmyheadaroundthis,

Sorry you are facing this.

I am a compulsive gambler and have had my addiction for over twenty years, I can only add my view in that context.

I do get the desperate measures that the addiction leads us to think about. In some way I can see the link, I.e. I was desperate for money and thought that was a way to get money, a means to an end.

That also means he wasn't desperate to stop gambling, he will say he was and will probably believe himself when he says it.

I also borrowed from a loan shark and when it came to it, I had lots of thoughts of theft and seriously considered stealing from my place of work and 'winning' to repay that and cover my own urgent debt.  Finally after twenty years and several bail outs, I reached the end, I climbed through multiple gardens to creep into my house and used a very basic torch to avoid turning any lights on. I had created a reason for my wife a children to go to her parents for a few days so was home alone, late on payments and hiding a multitude of unknown debt. I considered theft/ burglary, suicide, fake suicide, trying to borrow more in my wife's name, I considered seriously hurting the loan shark, enough to buy me time.

I called my sister and asked for help.

If I skip forward 976 days, I get to today.

My marriage is still rocky, we have three young children and I think/hope we do both want it to work it's just been very unsettled by the money but more so by the lies and deceit that went alongside my addiction.

So, with that background, I'd urge anyone with a gambling Partner to seriously consider the relationship, Is life really worth the pain and trouble that goes alongside it.

In your case, why do you need to make a decision right now. If your Partner is serious then - with the greatest of respect - you are not important. All his efforts need to be focused on his recovery. If he gets himself to a stable platform then maybe you can continue the relationship but right now he has or should have other priorities.

If he isn't truly ready to face into his addiction then the words are just meaningless, not matter how well intentioned they are.

Sorry, I fear I am waffling and probably not making sense but his addiction sounds very extreme and it will indeed lead to some very poor decisions and lots of manipulation but he ultimately has a choice to make.

For 10,000 days, I made a lot of bad choices, for the last 976 days I have made a better one, this is my addiction, my battle but it's also my choice and today I am choosing to not gamble.

best wishes to you

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th December 2019 9:45 pm
bluescreen
(@bluescreen)

Hiya,

you don't sound pathetic or anything. What you describe is one of the many faces of addiction.
But the gambling is just an explanation for his behaviour, not an excuse.
If you're being treated like that, there is nothing wrong with wanting to leave... and doing it.

Compulsive gambling, like any other addiction, is progressive, and so the boundaries are being adjusted accordingly. What might be out of the question for me today, might well be considered tomorrow, when I reach another level of despair.
Some might never go that far, others would. We are all individuals, afterall.
I've crossed countless lines within my 'career', including this one... I also once said that I'd never do that, as I've previously said about a lot of other things I did back then. There are many things that I've done that I'm not proud of. The shame and guilt can still be overwhelming at times.

I have also been in a relationship during that time, but in that very moment, it just didn't matter. In fact, nothing mattered but the money to give me a chance to put things right again. But with me being a compulsive gambler, this would never happen. I'd gamble it straight away until nothing would be left. Great plans to justify my actions, most of all in front of myself, with only one possible outcome. Simple as.
So yes, whatever he tells you, he genuinely believes it himself.
As someone once said "I would have passed every polygraph test in the world, simply because I myself was 100% convinced that I was telling the truth."
True words indeed.

As others have already said, you can't help him if he is not willing to make changes. There's a lot of work to do for him, and you can't make him stop.

I think what SA was trying to say is that it takes two to keep an unbalanced relationship going. Thus the question: What do you get out of it?
This was by no means meant as an offense, it's just a question you might want to ask yourself.
He's moody and selfish, he doesn't contribute to the relationship, he lies, deceipts, manipulates, and he's a financial reliablility. On top of that, you will always spend your time wondering when the next bombshell will eventually be dropped.
Not exactly the things anyone might be looking for in a partner... and yet you stay with him.

You can give someone a fish and he will be fed for the day, but that doesn't solve the problem itself. The solution would be for him to learn how to do some fishing of his own. A time consuming effort... and unnecessary, as long as someone drops by every now and then to give him something to eat.
But if the day comes, when the hunger gets overwhelming, he might consider giving it a go. What other choice does he have now?
Sometimes it's just this. Having no other options definately is a good motivator. For me, it was.
If I wouldn't have been thrown out of our home with just a bag of clothes, not a penny to my name, a shitload of debt and noone left to turn to, I'd still be gambling, I'm sure of that.
It was by no means easy, but it really made me want to stop for the first time in my life. For myself, not for others.

I am the reliability, so it's my responsibility to keep my relationship balanced. If I'd go back to my old ways, it would sooner or later cause a wildfire, so it's on me to prevent that from happening.

This post was modified 7 months ago by bluescreen
ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th December 2019 9:05 am
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