I'm an idiot!

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(@a1886)
Posts: 3
Topic starter
 

I've absolutely messed up again. I've battled a gambling addiction for some time, but had managed to get on top of the habit in the past four and a bit years.

Unfortunately I relapsed yesterday, I'm registered with GamStop, but got round it by using my partners account - I emptied every last penny of my bank and my savings. In the midst of an absolute mad spell, I actually contacted the bookmaker with my self exclusion email and also my ID, but they continued to accept deposits from the account in my missus' name and all I could think of was trying to repair some of the damage - of course I didn't manage to do that.

I'm angry at the bookmaker for ignoring it was my payment method, they had my ID etc and won't entertain the fact they've accepted deposits from a self excluded customers account, but I know this falls on me too - I'm an idiot.

I'm just so tired, so miserable, so full of self loathing - it's just useless. I can't gamble again (I currently can't anyway - I've got no money at all), but more importantly it's time to beat this once and for all.

I'm ranting aren't I? I'm sorry folks. 

 

This topic was modified 5 years ago by A1886
 
Posted : 15th June 2019 9:09 pm
(@sarah1976)
Posts: 85
 

You are not an idiot.  You are human and being honest and not in denial is good.  You relapsed yesterday and you are straight back on here wanting to sort.  I know in a day you can cause damage which can take months or years to sort.  

Looking at your comments we can find work arounds and while gamstop and the like give us pause we can get around them. I know when I have no money I am better as no choice.  However you could have borrowed and carried on today and you haven’t.  You have stopped.  I am on day 2.  So to give advice feels a bit like a fraud but you can’t turn back time.  Even  Cher tried it and failed.  ?. Accept it’s gone.  Try and think of the positive. You stopped, you posted you want to change.  So while there is guilt there is no denial.  That has to be good.  Stay strong and good luck ?

 
Posted : 16th June 2019 3:46 pm
Joe-90
(@joe-90)
Posts: 349
 

Hi there,

I know your angry with the bookies, but you have to face your addiction. They will not help. Self exclusion is a great barrier but thats all it is a barrier, if you truly want to beat this addiction you need to make some life changes.

I would recommend GA and the 12 step recovery programme, ignore the God stuff (im not religious and it does not bother me) it will help you focus more on yourself and your triggers that cause you to gamble. You will have to take a good look at yourself and ask yourself some difficult questions but if you do it you can come out the other side a much better person for it

 
Posted : 16th June 2019 4:35 pm
(@a1886)
Posts: 3
Topic starter
 

Sorry folks, I forgot my password and my head was just so fried.

Thanks for the replies, Sarah thanks for the Cher analogy - I needed a laugh!

The anger is subsiding Joe, it’s more at myself than it is anyone else to be perfectly honest. Anyway on a positive note, I’ve just reached 48 hours without any urges, I’ve changed over my bank too. 

Ive been suffering from severe depression for the last month and have been off work during this time, I’ve got a counselling appointment on Wednesday, that’ll be good to get stuff off my chest.

 

 
Posted : 17th June 2019 9:49 am
(@a1886)
Posts: 3
Topic starter
 

Almost a week on and feeling much more on the level.

I did follow through on the compliant regarding deposits and it has been escalated to management, but even now I feel like even if they do refund, all it will do is help me get back on my feet quicker. I don't ever want to experience the hurt, embarrassment and sickening low that my addiction has so often sunk me to.

I hope you all have a great and GF weekend.

 
Posted : 21st June 2019 7:14 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
 

Hi

I am a non religious person.

It took me along time to understand my emotional triggers, to become less emotionally vulnerable, to get motivated in to exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

Just for today I will not Gamble is a healthy boundary that means I no longer want to hurt myself any more.

Just for today I will not Gamble and will not smoke means I am exchanging another unhealthy habit, yet just for today I will means my dedication towards being more productive today.

 

The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.

I use to think that the recovery program was going to control my life, this was not so, the recovery program was going to help me heal from the pains of my past, not just from the addictions but to help me heal my hurt inner child.

I had unfortunately got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.

Over time as I peeled back the onion and exposed more of myself the tears would flow and the healing process would start.

It was very important for me to put much more time and effort in to my recovery than I put in to addictions and obsessions

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.

When I went to the addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse, going with out my needs my wants and not having any goals in my life.

It can be argued that we feel that we are not worthy of any thing, that we cheat our self from treating our self nicely and not able to reward our self with some thing healthy.

In the recovery program we get to work on own our recovery as teams.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 

 
Posted : 23rd June 2019 1:37 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
 

Hi

Nothing healthy is achieved by beating our self up.

The recovery program is about progress not perfection, to be content with progress no matter how small it is.

Each time I went back to gambling was an indicator that I was still emotionally vulnerable and I did not understand my emotional triggers.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.

My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.

My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.

In time I would open up in the recovery program, I would open up to counseling talking about every conscious memory of my past.

What is happiness, for me happiness is being content with who I am today, who I am with today, where I am and what I have today.

Money was never going to buy happiness.

Money was never going to heal my hurt inner child. My control issues were fear based.

My impatience intolerance was an indicator that I was hard and cruel on myself. Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure. Was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure. What stopped me from being a victim, it was the ability for to be able to speak up for myself from a place of peace. What stopped me from being a perpetrator, I no longer want to hurt myself or other people in any way today, I no longer want to adversely affect myself or another person today.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 
Posted : 23rd June 2019 3:54 pm
(@givemethebuzz)
Posts: 174
 

welcome to the club everyone on this site is an idiot 

idiots in persisting to use such a destructive process such as gambling 

stop being an idiot be smart and get on with your life 

 
Posted : 24th June 2019 11:44 am

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