How am I in this mess and why have I lied to my partner, my best friend, my rock
My partner found out at the weekend that I have large debts caused from compulsive gambling. After the initial hurt and upset my partner encouraged me to be brave and to go to a GA meeting tonight. It seemed like she would stick by me and that we could work out a way to get through this. I told her that I hadn't gambled in over 12 months and that our new baby boy has given me strength and renewed purpose and that I don't want to gamble anymore. But after the meeting tonight I had to tell her that actually I last gambled just 5 days ago.
Why couldn't I just own up to that at the weekend when the truth about the gambling came out in the first place?
This lie is worse than the others - it has broken any tiny remaining shred of trust that might have been left. What was the point of this lie? Am I a compulsive gambler, compulsive liar AND a pathological liar? How did this happen!? What is wrong with me? This morning there was a chance that our relationship might survive, but now this seems unlikely.
I didn't gamble at all for the first 8 months of my son's life, mainly due to not being able to access my normal gambling pathways and I didn't miss it or think about it at all. Apart from the stress of money management due to the previous gambling, I have felt happy, so why did I go and gamble at the first opportunity having some free time without my son and then lie about it when I didn't need to, when I had the opportunity to tell the whole truth? Am I deliberately trying to self destruct and destroy everything good in my life? Seriously, what the f*** is wrong with me that I could do this to the person that I love and to my new baby boy? What kind of mother puts her child's future at risk like this and what kind of partner treats their loves one in this way....
The GA meeting was a positive thing for me in terms of stopping gambling and I will go back again next week. I just hope beyond hope that my partner can forgive me and that I can eventually forgive myself.
Well done on finally admitting the whole truth even if you went the wrong way about it the first time.
Use the meetings and use this site. You obviously love your son and Mrs hugely and you need to stop gambling to ensure you don't lose these. Which ultimately you could lose both if you carry on gambling. You may of already lost one (sorry to sound brutal). However if you have enough about you to want to stop because YOU want to stop then in time trust can be built back up. Slowly yes but it certainly can. If you both loved each other enough then in time she'd see you had changed if YOU had done it for the right reasons and not just save a relationship, for me that's not the main reason why you should stop. The main reason you should want to stop is for yourself and then everything else will fall in place afterwards.
However by all means use her and your son as motivation... Exactly what I do. I'm only 45 days gamble free but I feel so much better just after this short space of time and I know my partner trusts me a little more than 30/40 days ago.
Good luck you can do this for you.. The rest will follow
Well done for admitting the truth. We all know how hard this journey is. Keep up with meetings, make sure all your barrier's are in place, hand over control of your money to your partner and things will get better. Don't beat yourself up too much and remember that we all have lied, cheated and even worse to hide this addiction. It doesn't make you a bad person just a compulsive gambler on the road to recovery. Keep posting and good luck with journey believe me things will be so different
Hi wawaw. Thank you so much for your kind words and positive encouragement. Its been a tough day today as I also told my parents the mess I'm in. I desperately want to stop for good and to get my life back.
I hope things work out for you too and well done for 45 days.
Hi rock bottom. Thank you aswelll for your comments. I've handed over credit cards already and talking to my partner about how best to manage my debit card / current account. I know I have to relinquish 'control' (as if I've had any for so long), but it feels hard to wonder if I will eV er be able to have that back.
Anyway, one day at a time. No gambling today or thoughts about wanting to gamble. Only the realisation that I must stop if I have any chance of getting my life back on track.
Thanks again
Well done on seeking help Kate, thats a big step in itself as a lot of us go over the edge of the cliff to rock bottom as we are completley in denial about how bad things are. I understand its not nice to lie to our partners, but we have conditioned ourselves to this way of life as compulsive gamblers, so as well as wasting all the money it also means, being distant, selfish, deceitful etc. Lies become second nature to us, partly becasue deep down we know if we face up to our problem it means facign the realisation of never gambling again. Like any addict we really resist this and its very common for compulsive gambler to not give full disclosure so we leave some small doors open where it may be possible to get access to money or credit further down the line.
You have come clean now, make sure it is all out there, make GA meetings part of your week and take it one day at a time. Its ok to remeber the past but dont overly focus on negative thoughts, money lost, lies we told etc as we often look for things to beat ourselves up over which ultimately is not good.
You are on the right path now, I wish you well on staying there.
Hi everyone.
8 days GF.
My partner and I are still talking and trying to work things out.
Her biggest concern about the future is that, from reading these forums, it seems like the vast majority of people relapse at some point. Many people could have several years being GF (which I am striving for), but then are pulled back in again and often fall even harder (which I obviously don't want to do)
I'm taking it one day at a time and feel really positive, but just struggling with how to reconcile how I feel now with my partner's worry that I will relapse in the future.
Anyway. Hoping for a relaxing and calm weekend and feeling positive about next GA meeting on Tuesday.
Just for today, there is no point worrying about the future. Your partner needs to learn how to cope too, how to safeguard herself and detach from the gambling. Is there a gamanon meeting with your GA? Encourage her to seek help too. It's very hard to overcome the feeling of betrayal and the fear of this happening again. It's not just you that needs support, she does too.
Hi joe-90 & merrygoround,
Thanks for reading and taking the time to post - I appreciate it and it all helps.
Another day GF under the belt...
Kate, you have done the hardest part I promise you. The confessing, the hand over of control too. You have now bared your soul. Now your partner knows they can help and support. Thank you for your comments on my post but seriously keep up with the meetings and know how common this awful problem is. You are not alone and you are certainly not going to be controlled by this. Keep posting and I’ll keep popping by to check in.
Focus on that beautiful creation in the form of your son and put the effort you would have normally put into self destruct, into him xxxx
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