Evening all. I’m new here.
I have an ‘addictive personality’ always have found it hard to quit things though luckily have never got involved with drink or drugs. Shiny lights and arcade games however have always had an allure, so naturally it was a bad move playing on a slot machine for the first time. I was introduced to them about 4 years ago. It wasn't so bad at first, small bets, we’d go to the casino once every few months, I would lose £50 here or there. All worth it for a fun night out, it was only money we would’ve spent elsewhere.
And whilst I’d feel a pull to want to go back to the casino and play more, it wasn’t convenient so the pull would fade until our next visit. I’d say that changed when I realised you could play slots online at home!!! Then you get comfortable, then you want more excitement so the bets get bigger, then I was losing £2000-£4000 a time. Luckily for me it’s those times when after you’ve lost it all, you have no choice but to stop and you wake up out of your trance and the realisation of what you’ve done comes flooding in. After such times I abstained for a bit but then slowly the play creeps back up.
I’d say it’s happened three times now that I’ve lost that much. I go into a daze, that disgusting place where money doesn’t mean anything, other than allowing you to continue spinning the reels. I read on someone’s post here that it’s not even about chasing losses, it’s about winning it back so you’ve got more to spin with. Totally sums it up for me.
Anyway, it’s the end of day one. I’ve been reading posts on here and somehow this time I feel different.
I don’t express any emotions much, the spinning of the reels for me was a way of feeling. Both a distraction from the world and an isolated little rollacoster ride of excitement. Except it’s an illusion that comes crashing down as soon as the reels stop spinning. It’s excitement and emotions that you don’t allow yourself to feel or find anywhere else.
I don’t want to live in isolation or live a life of deceit, not recognising myself. It’s scary how much these machines and games can change you.
before I would try and stay away because I couldn’t afford to lose anymore....now I’m staying away because I’m full of a desire to live my life, enjoy my life. Experience emotions. The allure of the reels spinning, hitting a bonus, that will always be in the background, but fortunately today I have no desire to gamble. I have a desire to allow myself to feel.
Hi Sue... morning! 🙂
I think you have hit the nail on the head. Its an illusion. Its almost as if we are going into a hypnotic trance... and there might be some semblance of truth in that.
I remember once when I got home from work and I started gambling on the slots on low stakes. It got dark, it got light, it got dark and then it got light again. By the end of that session I had cramp in my thighs and pain in my stomach area for having sat in the same position for so long. I was dying for the loo and yet very dehydrated, my eyes had become red and unable to focus. I was also now skint. I could have died but I guess the human body is very resilient.
have you signed up to gamstop? It will stop you gambling online. In my personal experience, determination, intelligence, self-awareness and knowledge of gambling addiction will only partially help to stop gambling. there has to be some practical barriers around denying access to gambling and denying yourself access to the money to gamble. addiction does not give up easy.
keep reading and writing.. as I do the same.
Hi SA,
thanks for reading.
you’re doing great with the number of days no trancing. I’m going to say that instead of no gambling. 24 days trance free. 24 days of authentic living.
I get what you mean about instant fix, I’m the same.
I’m really trying to open myself up to experiencing joy in things. Sounds odd that I didn’t before, I wasn’t allowing it in and instead was getting my excitement from spinning reels and pretty graphics all at a high cost.
I signed up to Gamstop last time I lost control. It’s was a great help and got me back onto the straight and narrow but with a new email address, a new bank card and a new address then it’s easy to sign up to a site which is what I did on Saturday. I’ll be deleting my card details from my computer and handing my cards to my partner. I’ll live with a cash in hand budget for a few months to see how that goes. I buy a lot online too so am deleting my bank details from amazon. I’m looking forward to scaling it all back. Hitting the refresh button on how I spend.
You’re doing really well. What tactics are you using?
Hi Sue,
Great start for you on day 1 coming to the realisation that you want to live your life, feel the emotion and get back into the real world rather than the gambling bubble.
Try using GamStop and GamBan great tools to block yourself online.
I wish you the best of luck 🙂
Hi sue thanks for sharing I am 34 days GF I never realised how much I relied on gambling to deal with my emotions I have had some really hard days lately and really happy with staying GF. I am also learning to let out my emotions I will get there but I believe this forum is so helpful I also agree that this time my stopping feels different
Hi Sue,
I'm in a similar situation to you and with a new address, bank card, email address. I've completely relapsed over the past few months and today is Day 0. Since Gamstop worked well before I'm going to log in and update my address and email address - it's probably worthwhile for you too.
Alan
Hi
The addiction and obsessions were a way me of escaping how I felt.
When I walked in to I was emotionally traumatized and found it impossible to understand my feelings and my emotions.
By abstaining from unhealthy habits I was able to stop causing myself pain anxiety and stress.
The addiction and obsessions were a form of self abuse.
I would work hard for my money and then gave it away to complete strangers while I and my family went with out.
The bigger the risk the bigger the buzz.
I did not respect myself, I did not respect money or other people.
The ideal situation is to be emotionally detached from gambling.
For gambling to mean nothing to me what so ever.
The recovery would help me understand that was healthy and what was unhealthy
To escape my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits .
I did not understand that living in fear was unhealthy.
I am a non religious person yet I do embrace spiritual values and strengthen my conscience being healthy.
Being in the recovery program I would write down my needs my wants and my goals.
I would become more and more focused on today.
I would make healthier choices and rather than react in unhealthy ways I would learn to interact with people.
By admitting to myself my emotional triggers I was able to do some thing about my emotional vulnerability.
I learn from my past and no longer live in the past.
The person I was on day one walking in to the recovery is not who I am today.
I could not buy being successful with money.
I could not love myself or respect myself when I walked in to the recovery.
My anger and my emotional vulnerability were indicators that my hurt inner child was not healed.
Being in recovery I am more motivated in healthy ways, I am more productive, I am to give of myself unconditionally today.
And more importantly I am no longer the hurt victim, I no longer want to be a perpetrator, and I no longer want to be a rescuer.
By my healthy actions and my healthy words I am able to feel proud of myself as to how I am today.
Only once I was able to love myself could I love other people.
Only once I was able to respect myself could I respect other people.
Only once I was able to be honest with myself could I be honest other people.
The person I feared facing the most was myself.
When I walked in to the recovery I did not fully understand how unhealthy I was.
Today the choices I make are not always the best, yet I am a willing student who is willing to change towards being healthy and complete.
Only when I went to meetings for myself could I make changes to my life and my thinking.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi Alan and others,
Thank you for commenting. It’s coming to the close of day two today.
still positive but have had a few more intrusive thoughts today than I did yesterday. I agree Alan, gamstop with the new address is the right thing to do. Funny how you can be so resolved to stopping, yet the idea of enforcing it is a bit nerve wracking.
the thought crossed my mind today....’so you’ll never get to play again’. I felt a bit disappointed. Had to quickly remind myself that it’s not fun. Not for me anyway. It goes too far. It’s not the alleged ‘fun’ that I’ll be foregoing, it’s the loss of control and the desperation that I’ll be riding myself of.
Onwards and upwards. It’s pay day this week, a chance to pay off some debt and get a better grip on my finances. Exciting times ahead.
alan, let me know how you’re doing today.
takenafirststep - 34 days is great. Well done. I’m glad you’re feeling different about things this time. I’m pretty sure emotions are a big part of it. Gotta remind myself that life in all its glory is for relishing, not for wasting away in an isolated tranced state.
Hi Sue... well sign up to Gamstop for 6 months then if the idea of 5 years seems too daunting. Your gambling head does not want you to sign up at all. You have to do it soon before pay day and before the psychological pain of recent losses passes.
To answer your question. I use to go for long stretches gamble free. A combination of distance running and "helping others" in different ways and socialising seemed to be what helped me ie stuff that lifted my self-esteem and got me feeling better about myself. The last few years though ive drifted back to my old solitary ways. Its tough starting over once again. But am up for it... no other option really. All the best
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