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Courage to come clean  

 
Feeling_free
(@feeling_free)

May 26th was the last date I gambled playing online slots. I'd gone through £10,000 of my joint savings account and £7000 of my own. I closed all my online accounts, and had a plan to slowly repay the money each month with my wages. Last year I'd had a substantial pay rise and had kept the increase to myself so I could you this money to play with, believing it to be disposable income.

I have no idea if I would have been successful or not. Being in control of the household finances I'd become quite use to transferring money from one bank account to another to cover my tracks, and as I always made sure Bill's were paid I never gave my husband reason to suspect something was amiss.

Two weeks ago, I came clean and told him what I'd done.  He'd been unhappy in his job and wanted to quit. Although he felt quite confident he'd be able to find work straight away being a lorry driver he wanted to see how much savings we had should the agency work not be full time.

This time, there was no possible way I could hide my actions and finally told him the truth. I held nothing back. I felt completely ashamed of myself and so scared of his reaction but also a great sense of relief that finally I was being honest. His reaction was obviously disappointment, surprise but if there was anger he hid it well. Although I believe it's there just below the surface. He took over the finances instantly and monitors our bank accounts daily. He openly told me I'd lost his trust, and although he would support me getting help that I shouldn't be under the illusion that if there was a next time he'd be as understanding. 

My concern now is if or when that urge appears how I control that feeling. 

 

 

Quote
Posted : 6th July 2020 8:50 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear @feeling_free

Thank you for posting your story and for being so open about how gambling has affected both you and your husband.

This must be a very difficult time for you, it’s so daunting telling those that are close to you about your gambling and its affects, not knowing what their reaction will be.

I understand that this will also be a hard time for your husband, but I am pleased that he felt he could find it in himself to offer you support.

Please do not be alone with what you are going through. Our Advisers are here for you 24 hours a day and 7 days a week to give advice and support. I would suggest that if you feel that you are not going to be able to control your urge to gamble that you get in touch with us as soon as you feel this happening and we will be able to help you get passed it. We are here for you now and going forward in your recovery.

Kind regards

Jo

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th July 2020 10:38 pm
Frogman
(@frogman)

Hi feeling_free,

Please continue to be open with your husband, he’s ready to support you and has given you a second chance, please make the most of it and carry him along whenever the urge surfaces, it’s a lot better having someone to talk to about how you are feeling. Follow the advice given above for help. 

I know that feeling when you’ve just come clean, but as you rightly pointed out, the issue still remains and this problem won’t go away on its own, seek help and try to sort yourself out before it gets out of hand. Mine did, you really don’t want a second, third, forth confession like me. I have started counselling again and not gambled in a week or so (that’s like a life time for me). Stay strong 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2020 9:08 am
Jadiebby85
(@jadiebby85)

Hi @feeling_free I’m glad you shared your story, 56 days ago your story was mine and I came clean to my husband of 15 years that I’d gambled again (I’d been caught twice in the past and told him I’d stopped) and I needed help, professional help because I couldn’t do it alone! I failed every time! My husband has been my rock and we’ve been up & down and I’ve felt guilty, ashamed, like the lowest of the low! As time goes on you’ll feel easier about talking openly with your partner, ask him how he feels from time to time! I say that because from my experience I never thought it affected my husband as much as it has! His day-to-day life has been massively affected, he’s worried constantly, he’s trying to be supportive and he’s trying to not upset me but we ended up having a really c**P week of arguing (shouting/screaming) but we were not communicating!  Friday he was ready to leave & I was ready for him to go! When I sat down and actually thought about what was about to happen I sobbed like a baby! I have never cried like that but it all just came out of me and once I’d sorted myself out, my head felt so light ( it was the strangest feeling) anyway I asked my husband to sit down, we actually talked for the first time and listened to each other and things have been good! Back to before all this rubbish! The urges have gone for me completely! There is a course on here called ‘game change’ it’s an 8 module course of cognitive behaviour therapy and I would highly recommend it! You do 1 part per week, they take 30 minutes (if that) to do and then every week you speak to a therapist about the work you’ve done! I have found it a massive help for me, it’s really changed my thought processes and I’ve not had any urges since I quit 56 days ago! Best wishes jadie x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2020 9:52 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi @feelings your post in many ways is a lot like me , my husband is also a lorry driver he works away Mon - Fri . So like you I was in charge of the finances and I always paid the bills. Covering my tracks being sneaky sly deceitful became second nature, the self loathing was terrible hated myself but I couldn't stop. Until I was found out in the most horrible way early on a Friday morning I got woken up by my husband shouting what's happened to our savings. My dreadful secret was out and I spilled everything out in one go the massive credit card bill, maxed overdraft etc etc. Husband took immediate control of finances and I don't have access to anything he gives me money for shopping etc but yesterday he went off on one about the amount we are spending on shopping etc so in the long run don't know how it's going to work out.have you installed blocking software ? I've used gamstop signed up for the max 5years giving me the space to heal my mind and I do find that the urges are easier to deal with when you know you can't access websites. Big test will come for me when bingo halls reopen as that's my " first love" with gambling and set me off on a 20 year pathway not all of it compulsive gambling but prob last 4years and last 1-2 years the really destructive stuff. But thanks to many things ,this site, counselling, blockers, support from family and friends I am 34 days today without gambling and for me that is massive ! The other thing is I will go to GA when the face to face meetings start again I've found out where my local meeting place is already I'm hoping it will be soon to cement what I've done so far and take my recovery forward. I feel your relief and I found that too but it won't alone get you through this get some help with this and go forward in a positive way. I wish you all the best in your journey(also go easy in the beating yourself up although normal it's not helpful with recovery)

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2020 11:36 am
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

I'm so glad you came clean 

A's it takes so much pressure off yourself as you don't have to chase your loss. I've always found this to be the worst thing you can do as I always found chasing the money is the devil as your thinking if I keep going I've got to win it back as you feel under so much pressure and the more you lose the more you believe you've got to win. Take this opportunity now your husband knows to get blocks put in place that way if you do relapse it's damage limitation. What an evil addiction this is and when it's got a grip of you it's like a vice, even if you had a C*****e addiction it can only cost you a certain amount per day but look at gambling in the space off 1h I lost nearly  £8000, I dread to think what some people actually lose.

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Posted : 7th July 2020 7:10 pm
Jadiebby85
(@jadiebby85)

If your husband isn’t happy with how much you spend when you shop, ask him to go and do it with what he thinks you should spend! He’d soon realise that it’s not much 😉 @charlieboy

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th July 2020 8:30 am
Feeling_free
(@feeling_free)

Thank you everybody for your encouraging words of advice. 

Finding gamcare and recognising myself in so many of your stories really showed me that I'm not alone. I am now optimistic that I can beat this. That there are people I can talk to that understand entirely what I was feeling when I gambled and I can turn to for support should I need it.

My husband is being a rock, but he'll never understand fully why I gambled, the way I felt when I did. 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th July 2020 9:03 pm
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