Coming Clean

A person's well-being is always going to be shaken by sudden information or an event.
This is unavoidable. A person will naturally feel the stress response. This is happening to you right now. You known an event is going to come up, because you love her, you are delaying this moment.
Hmmm... makes me think what my ex did to me actually! You've given me a perspective there so thank you. 

In avoiding the situation, you stress yourself out more. In avoiding the situation it cant be fixed. I want you to know I truly understand your avoidance. No one likes conflict. 

OK, I've just had an idea. On this website, and in the introduction forum there is a pinned topic on what to do. There are links on how to ban yourself in various places (online and physical) and contacts to be made. 
Make the needed steps to PROVE to her that you are making the right choices and changes.

This not only gives you hope but also her hope.
If she can see you being pro-active to fix this, after her initial shock...when she calms down, she will see that actually, you've thought ahead! 

I can't say that she wont emotionally spiral, she will. She will probably shout, cry, withdraw, get angry, go silent. or. she might respond in a totally different way. or she might do it all and more and this is perfectly natural and normal. She is allowed to have a reaction and response to an event. 

However, if you show her the steps you have made and done them all; suggested in the pinned topic, she will see that actually, you are truly serious in helping yourself. 
Now I already know you might be thinking "but if she leaves, I will need to go and gamble to feel better". 

Now, while that might be a short term avoidance fix, it would ultimately prove that she would be right in leaving.

However, if you have already banned and tackled this from all possible sides and looking at professional support suggested. She sees you working on changing, fixing and addressing this issues...well. This is nothing but a huge positive and bonus. My personal advice would be to get all that done before you tell her. ASAP. 

The choice is yours, of course. 

Thanks AnonAngel

You have made some very good points and suggestions.

Knowing my wife is always someone who looks back I’m not sure she will be able to deal with the financial loss. It’s huge and sets us back years. I honestly don’t think she will be bothered with me declaring that I’ve put all the GameStop things in place as she will not be able to deal with the loss.

I have arranged an appointment with a specialist this coming Wednesday who is going to help with me owning up to my wife.

I wish it was sooner as I don’t think I’m going to last. I honestly think the love and trust will be lost forever and to that end there is only one solution for me. 

I just wish I hadn’t got myself into this mess. If I knew she would forgive me and help me I will devote the rest of my life to providing for her and my daughters. I have an excellent well paid job so I know with help we can recover. Maybe never to a place where we could have been but still a good quality of life.

The thought of not seeing my daughters succeed at university and their future lives is incredibly upsetting but I just can’t face owning up.

I suppose the big question is that if you really love someone would you help someone like me. I know I would help and standby her but it’s easy for me to say that as I’ve done wrong. She has done nothing wrong but be faithful, loving and a fantastic mum.

What a mess!

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has reached out over the last few days if I don’t return to the forum. I’m a good man in every way other than having a secret gambling addiction. It doesn’t get in the way of our lives as I gamble at night so my wife and daughters have not missed out on anything in their lives. 

What have I done........

Hi Jumble,

Just reading through a few of your replies and some of your comments relating to being worth more dead and there only being one option left if your wife can't forgive you, have worried me.  Please talk to someone if you feel you might act upon these thoughts. If there is no one close by that you feel you can talk to, you can always contact the Samaritans on 116 123. 

I don't know your wife or children but I know that they would never want that, whatever you have done. 

In answer to your question about whether a person could forgive someone who has acted as you have, the answer is yes.  I don't know your wife so I can't speak for her, but I forgave my husband.

He hid his gambl8ng from me for 15 years, gambling away earnings and savings. He deceived me and manipulated me and I was so naive. When I found out it broke my heart. I still have days where I struggle with it all. The first few months were some of the hardest of my life. Yet I have forgiven him.

When I confronted him, he was like a broken man. I was frightened to go to work and leave him in case he harmed himself. He told me he had considered it. 

Initially I felt like I'd never really known him at all. How could this person I had trusted all these years do what he had done? Once the anger had subsided I realised that he was still that person I loved all those years ago, he just had this horrible addiction. 

It will be hard, really hard at first, but your wife may forgive you. You have 30 plus years of shared life and  memories. There is always hope. 

Take care, keep posting and please, please reach out for help if you have thoughts of harming yourself. 

J 

Hi , 

Thanks all for posting and supporting .Forgiveness is of course possible and owning up and opening up about things can lift a huge burden and trust can always grow back in time. 

Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers. 

If you're feeling suicidal, I'll advise you to contact the Samaritans on: 116 123, contact 999 - ambulance or the Police, Papyrus on: 0800 068 4141, your local A &E, or your G.P.

I will also give the details for some organisations that can offer some free debt advice.

StepChange – 0800 138 1111, www.stepchange.org

National Debtline – 0808 808 4000, www.nationaldebtline.org

Kirk 

Forum Admin

Hi Kirk

Thanks for your support.

J

Thanks J

I really appreciated your message.

I’m going through an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. At times I’m tough and feel like I’ll just face the music when I need to then there are other times when I’m broken and feel like I cannot carry on. I felt the latter over the last couple of days but I have spoken to an advisor and I’m speaking to a specialist on Wednesday about how best to break the news.

I wish my sister was here as I feel like if I tell someone else I’ll feel better. She may even facilitate a conversation with my wife.

anyway thanks again

J

Hi Jumble,

I know it must be really tough. It will hopefully help you to speak with the specialist on Wednesday and your sister will be back soon. 

Take care.

J

You said above "I suppose the big question is that if you really love someone would you help someone like me."

Yes. Most people will stand by someone they love. People are however allowed to have an emotional reaction and response. This could be for a day or two but they are allowed to have it, to process. Human's are not robots, and like yourself on an emotional rollercoaster, she shall do this same. This is human and normal. 

You also said above " I honestly don’t think she will be bothered with me declaring that I’ve put all the GameStop things in place"

Does this means you haven't and wont? 

Why would she not be bothered, after the initial shock that you have made all the correct steps? 
It actually shows that no matter the outcome, you want it all fixed.

I see above that you have been speaking to someone on Wednesday.

The fear of the unknown, is a truly terrible thing but when it's done its done.  

There is always a peace of mind and relief when the truth comes out, a huge weight gets lifted. Then the new phase of rebuilding and recovery. 

It's ok for yourself to swing between moods, but whenever you feel too low, please reach out to an adviser or any of the other various organisations. This can be fixed and resolved. 

Hi J

Thanks for your supportive message.

I recall from an earlier message you have children in their 20’s. Were you able to keep your husband’s gambling problem from them? In addition to GamCare what other support did you get / seek? Did you confide in a friend or family member?

 Thanks again 

J

Thanks AnonAngel 

You make some great points.

My response to the GamStop point is that I will be more than happy to launch it to prove I really mean that I will never do it again, I just hope I’ll be given the opportunity to win back her trust.

I appreciate you don’t know my wife but money is so important to her. She said last time I came clean in 2011 that she would have taken the news better if I’d had an affair rather than gamble! You will quite rightly ask why I have been so stupid to do it again but like any addict it’s easier said than done.

I gambled large amounts looking to win big, big enough amounts to allow her to give up work to support our girls and her dad. She always feels guilty when she isn’t able to support her dad as much as she would like and it was my objective to take the need to work away. I don’t crave the same endorphin rush of a win like some gamblers but I do chase my losses which is why I’ve lost so much over the years.

Thanks again for your supportive messages.

J

Hi Jumble,

Yes we have 2 children in their 20s. I think they were both aware that my husband had the occasional bet online, but neither of them had any idea how much was spending or how it had developed into a full blown addiction. We have never told them. I want to spare them the hurt and my husband is so ashamed.

I haven't told any close friends or family. I don't want people to judge us and if I'm honest I feel embarrassed that I never realised what was going on.

I have a really close friend from my uni days who I think I would confide in if the opportunity arose but she lives a long way away and it's been so difficult to see people with lockdown. 

I contacted the advisers on here when I first found out and they were a great help. This forum has been a lifeline for me. In some ways I don't think I've processed things properly. If I say the words out loud to someone I know, it will become real. Maybe I'm scared to actually do that?

If you trust your sister enough to confide in, that's a really good thing.  It would probably be good for your wife to confide in someone she trusts too if she feels that would help her. 

J

Thanks again J

I know my wife would want to keep it to herself as she is an extremely private person although communicating with someone anonymously would probably be OK. 

After some consideration I'm not sure she would be happy knowing I'd spoken to my sister so I've been on the fence with that over the last 24 hours.  She's not back from holiday until Saturday so I've still got time on that.

I'm going to write everything down tonight in a question/answer style, trying to think of questions she would want answered.  I'm also in 2 minds about sharing how I've been feeling about my own existence.  I would like to write a separate letter on that just to capture my current thoughts but I do not want that to be seen as emotional blackmail if she sees it.  Everyone has said that route isn't the answer but not being present to see how my wife will react to the information is still very much an option for me.  I was very upset last night driving home so pulled over to speak to a GamCare Advisor who thankfully calmed me down.  I was that bad they were considering safeguarding options but I was able to convince them that I was OK.

Thanks again for your supportive messages.  I'm very conscious that you are suffering yourself and still dealing with your own situation so am overwhelmed frankly that you are prepared to find the time to communicate with me.  You are a very caring person and I'm so grateful.

Thank You

J

Hi Jumble,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am coming to terms with things and we are both getting on with life. I have some days when I struggle a bit with it all but generally I am ok. We are moving forward and making the best of things. 

I'm sorry to hear that you where feeling so sad and overwhelmed last night. I am so glad that the advisors were there to offer help and support. You must continue to seek advice when you feel that way. 

It may help you to write everything down. Then you can decide if you want to share it with your wife. Sometimes just writing things down can be theraputic and help us to organise our thoughts.  

Take care.

J

Hi J

Hope you have had a good rest of the week.

I'm in the middle of drafting a letter to my wife and would really like your opinion on how it reads.  Its a bit clunky at the moment and I'll probably need a few more hours on it to finish it off but is there any way I can send it you?  I don't really want to post it in the forum but would welcome the opportunity of sending it by email or other means?  Would that be possible?

Thanks

J

Hi Jumble,

I've searched posts on here and I think we both need to contact forum admin if we want to exchange email addresses. I would be happy to do that. I'll attempt to contact them and see how it goes. 

Good luck with the letter. 

J