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NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2018 - 13:21

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Ok I just lost 12.5k in under half an hour. I'm on modest wages - it wasn't savings either - all overdraft and money lending sources. 

This is the day after. I feel ruined. I'm here at work with 0 hours sleep. I feel like crying or killing myself, or both. Keep having to skip out of work to take calls from lenders regarding a 20k loan as I also have 7.5k debt from poor money management. 

I have a beautiful wife and a 1 year old son, and a nice home. We've worked hard for everything we've got no handouts. I've only ever lost a grand here or there and have been in control for years so this was a shock to my system. I'm still in shock... I don't want to lose my wife and son. Our relationship has been a bit fractured of late so maybe that plus the pressure of family, work and not having time to myself broke me. I'm ashamed. I can't look my son in the eye right now. I feel sub-human. 

People's comments make me feel like I'm not alone. Its reassuring reading stories from people that have turned it round after some years. I want to be one of those guys. Right now it's day 1 after the breakdown and I can't see the wood from the trees. 

I've done a lot of thinking today and:

Someone on here wrote that "the money will take care of itself" - I'm going ahead with a 5 year loan with manageable (just) repayments and hope for the best.

I have chosen not to tell my wife. She suffers from anxiety as it is and this will break her and finish us for sure. I will lose my son. She would try to be there for me but the magnitude of what I have done would surely overwhelm her

I won't go into recovery just yet. I just don't have the time. I work long hours. Strangely enough I want to beat this on my own even though I am fully aware that peer-to-peer support will make it miles easier. Call it guilt, shame, pride... whatever.

I had aspirations to save money and do a degree, it was my dream to leave my current job and qualify in my passion. I was willing to work round my son for this.  What if I'd logged out when I was supposed to? What kind of father and husband does this make me? What if my car goes or pipes burst... Where will the money come from now? What could I / should I have spent the money on? No point thinking about any of this. Or you spiral. And looking forward with a clear head is hard when you are spinning around. Make a plan. Focus on the plan. Stay positive.

I WILL GO ON TO ACHIEVE MY DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS

I WILL NOT GAMBLE AGAIN

I WILL NOT LET THIS BEAT ME. I WILL STAY POSITIVE, FOCUS ON MY EXIT STRATEGY DAY BY DAY AND DO THE BEST FOR MY FAMILY AND MYSELF

I WILL NOT LOSE MY FAMILY, MY HOME OR MY JOB OVER THIS

I WANT TO CARRY MORE THAN THE 'MAKES ME FEEL BETTER READING THIS' EFFECT - I WANT TO STAND FOR ALL THOSE LIKE FEEL LIKE ME TODAY - LOST, LONELY, UNCERTAIN OF THE FUTURE AND GIVE THEM A GLIMMER OF HOPE WHEN THEY NEED IT MOST

I WILL BE BACK HERE IN 5 YEARS TIME TO POST A MESSAGE WHICH REFLECTS THE ABOVE.  Thanks to all who candidly share their horrific experiences related to this powerful addiction/illness. Yes, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone - if I felt truly alone in all this I probably would just do myself in. Also the inspiring stories of recovery give me something to hold on to. I vow when I'm better in 5 years time I'll be back... Ready and available for anyone who needs me. NB - I will check back here daily to look for solace and inspiration from others. It is day 2 today - a sinking feeling overwhelmed me as it starts to set in what I have done. My wife knows something is up and is trying to be supportive. I have been absent towards my son last few days and now he won't settle in my arms. He just wants his mum - maybe he's right - I'm no good. Credit cards arrived in the post that I ordered as back up finance in case I need them in the future but in a moment of clarity I cut them up. Basically I realised that I may do this again one way or another once the dust has settled and if things don't pan out for me the way I envisage them to. I can't let this happen but realised today I am pretty much powerless when the time comes. So daily readings on this thread will act as much needed salvation for me - I will read daily whether I feel like I need the help that day or not - I'll keep my medication topped up so to speak. I need SO MUCH words, direction, reassurance from anyone out there with a big enough heart that is willing to give. I am no-one to you - as I said before I feel sub-human, but regardless - please help me. If anyone reading this has really resonated with my words and feels compelled/compassionate enough to message daily I would really appreciate that. I will read and reply daily I promise - maybe we can help each other through exchange of perspectives when we need it most.  Who am I to ask for anything... but I'm desperate and hope to god someone out there hears me before it's too late and I lose everything. Thank you so much for taking time to read this - if you got to the end I have no doubt you are a good person and are better than this illness. 

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2018 - 13:37

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Any message of hope would be much appreciated right now. My mental wellbeing is darting from mania (when reading people's success stories) to depression and despair (when reading about people who have relapsed) 

I'm sure anyone who is familiar with this see-saw mind state has been where I've been and could offer some solace. Please help.

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2018 - 14:12

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

Hiya Buddy I feel your pain :((. 

I don't know you but your "Not anyone to me " your a mirror to the way I was when I stopped gambling nearly 3 yrs ago when I came to this place after a nearly 40 yr gambling problem .

I've no been here for a while but still read the forums when time allows and believe me when I say your not alone with what addiction has done to your life . 

The straight answer is that there's " No quick fix " and things have to be dealt with in some sort of order but in order of priority and only you know what those priorities are ? . 

People here who have gained any lengthy gamble free time myself included will alway's describe honesty as being one of the priorities most important to becoming well again and moving forward with any sort of recovery . Honesty not only to yourself but more importantly to those around you , of course that's all down to you my friend but gambling particularly thrives on secrecy and allows you to pick up where you left off when the urges strike , which they will even though you feel like ***** at the moment . No judgement buddy on the way you choose to handle things but you'll need all the support you can in order to overcome this thing and I can honestly say that when I had  " The Conversation " with My partner and kids which I really didn't want to do , it was the first time I'd ever felt as though I'd taken back some of the hold that gambling had over me :)). Youv'e already said that your wife " Knows something's up " ? , mine is far from stupid although I fed here enough Bulls hit to make the local park come into full bloom in December !!. 

Thing's like " Honesty and integrity " don't sit well with us Compulsive gamblers and we over time become the masters of deception and that's always a good thing to tackle early on as are self exclusions and not giving yourself access to funds in order to gamble because if there's no fuel then the fire won't burn will it ? . 

Mate you can do this but you need to make some real life changes , it's scary and it's early day's for you but trust me when I say that I felt exactly the same 3yrs ago as you do today but it does get better , slowly at first butthen you like me didn't get her quickly did you ? and every gamble free day allows you to face things head on and make them better and see a brighter future .

Check out Mixers plan for what you need to do at the top of the recoveries page , it's full of very usefull stuff :)) .

Look after yourself Bud , take a deep breath and take one day at a time for now eh ? . 

A9 :))

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2018 - 14:33

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Thank you SO much A9.

I will ponder on having that conversation with my wife... maybe she'll surprise me and be stronger than I imagined.

Yes "one day at a time". I'll take that on board for sure. I'm sitting here with a calculator trying to work out how I am going to manage this month and the numbers aren't adding up thus far - making me have a panic attack! Maybe like you say one day at a time then if I am struggling I will sit down and deal with it then.

Thanks again for the post. Thank you. I hope like you say I can do this. Long road ahead.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 08:22

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Jeez... Day 3 and I am LOW.

Day 1 and 2 I was finding solace in positive thoughts. Today I can't get out of bed. Consumed by the debt and who I've let down. I just need someone to tell me to keep going. I hope to god this gets easier to deal with over time. I hope I've got the will power. Please someone just remind me it's going to be ok... I'm struggling here.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 08:52

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Ok taken a deep breath and telling myself one day at a time. I don't think over time I'm going to be able to service the debt I'm in. That's what's killing me right now. However I'll get up now and just focus on having a good day.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 10:37

Donna2501

Joined:
2018-06-14

Firstly, take a breath.

If you are 100% sure you are ready to beat this, you will! Have faith in yourself. Willpower alone will not be enough though, put Every block in place, don't keep even one avenue unblocked because as I said willpower is not enough. Tell your wife, I learnt keeping this addiction to myself made me ill, tell her, she can't help you until you do and she will help, you will feel relieved for telling her. There are no quick fixes but one day at a time, that's all you can do but if you want to succeed this is how it goes, one day at a time. I'm impatient so I know how frustrated you must feel but as each day passes you will be one day closer to getting strong again, one day closer to being the man your family love and deserve.

You saying you want to end things.....PLEASE get help for this, NOW! Get counselling, you are worth it!

I've not been on this recovery journey for very long but I can relate to how lost you are feeling. Please remember, it will get better!

Keep yourself busy, urges will try and take over but they can't if you are busy doing something else.

Take care

Dx

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 10:45

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Thank you Donna, thank you. I really needed support and you were there when I needed it. I pulled my car over to breathe and look for a word of inspiration from somewhere and saw your message.

It's day 3... I guess the shock subsides and you're left to deal with the reality of what you've actually done. I tried to tell my wife what I've done but couldn't bring myself to. At the moment she thinks I'm depressed and is managing our son and making sure I'm not left for too long on my own. I've been working out how I'm going to tell her what I've done... I probably will in the end.

Ok. Feel recouperated after reading that. If anyone else could just post a kind message urging me on here and there I would appreciate it so much. I just need to be told I can do this on a daily basis. Maybe one day I'll stand tall again but for now I'm in a crumpled heap on the floor. And I need to get up again for my wife and son.

Everything changed in that 30mins when I logged on... Everything changed.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 11:03

Donna2501

Joined:
2018-06-14

I'm glad you read the message when you did, really I am.

Maybe tell your wife by writing it all down and giving it to her, that way you can get everything said and will also give your wife chance to absorb it all. Yes she will go through all the emotions and that will be hard for you to deal with but you have to remember this information will be new to her so give her time. My husband was more upset with me for not being able to trust him with my problem rather than the addiction but now I can talk to him when I'm getting urges, it helps trust me!

You CAN do this

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 11:11

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Thank you again Donna. I'm glad I read the message when I did too.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 11:33

initiumnovum

Joined:
2018-07-09

hi signalman,

thanks for commenting on my diary, means a lot. that's the whole reason I use these forums is to take inspiration from people who've been going a lot longer than me. some people have done remarkably well considering their starting position. I have faith you will be the same.

you're right in so much of what you say, the reality kicking in is brutal, came after a week for me. I was in this bubble of being a 'new guy' but then it sunk in what I'd done and who I'd hurt.

As for the money, the number is painful but at the same time somewhat irrelevant, at the time of my gambling I would have convinced myself I could turn £100 into £200 or 1 million into 2 million, it's that mindset that makes us gamblers and not financially savvy people.

please keep commenting on the forum especially with your decision not to tell your other half. when my gambling was at its worst my partner had lost so close relative, wasn't the right time to be open with her. maybe just give it time??

keep going, there will be negative and positive days but even when I feel lowest, I know it would be made worse by gambling.

all the best,

A

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 11:57

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Thank you A. I feel like a beaten man. A **** father and a **** husband. I've let my in-laws down and my parents. I don't deserve anything that I have. I threw it all away in 30 mins.

However my wife is in town right now. I was planning on telling her when she gets home and puts our son to sleep. Then I convince myself not to... And tell myself I can beat this quietly. My mind is all over the place. I think I'll just keep myself mega busy today with chores and keep the radio on in the background to distract me. I'll keep reading your diary A as I do find it therapeutic... It really rallies me when I hear you've been for a run or spin class. I'm going to get back into the gym next week. Day 3 and I am still broken... Broken and depressed. But here's hoping I have a good day and get things done.

Thanks again to anyone who took time to read and has a spare minute to keep my spirits up.
At the moment I don't know what the future holds... All I know is that logging on here gives me hope and an element of strength.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 13:43

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Just had a light bulb moment where I realised if I wallow in self pity I'll make myself worse or relapse due to loss of all hope.

Each day I'll do my best to be productive and useful and generate positive outcomes then I'll post them up so when others read it will instill hope and positive vibes within them rather than sadness.

Just done a load of cleaning at home. Consumed by thoughts of what I've done but trying to blot them out and listening to the radio.

Liverpool flying this season :o)
Come on pool!

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 13:44

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Also if I wake up and can't get back to sleep I'll just get up and start doing stuff rather than lie there thinking. I can always catch up at some other point in the day or get an early night.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 14:01

Lost1961

Joined:
2018-08-24

Hello Signalman.
I understand where you are at the moment and the self hate and despair.I let my wife down 10 days ago and it took me 5 days before i managed to tell her.The first night and day after was horrific and my son even ended up hitting me in frustration at my lapsing after 9 months of not gamblinv online.
My situation is differant to yours and this problem has started late in life for me.Im 57 and up to 3 years ago had never bet but personal stuff happening at once found me running to the bottle to hide and this led to binge gambling.
Things have got easier over the week but i would strongly recommend you phone the advisors on gamcare everyday for support and also arrange for one to one counselling. Also today on the Gamcare news letter there are some great tools to download and use.
I am 100% here for you if you need to talk or let out your pain.
Keep strong now and focus on the day each day.The past is done with and you can and must do this .

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 14:31

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

There used to be a saying on here " It's ok to look back but don't stare " and even after nearly 3yrs of being gamble free I'm still guilty of looking back . This time though it's more about " What if " I hadn't stopped when I did and where would I be now ? and six feet under is the probable answer as I'd got the point of googling " Painless way's to die . 

It's quite scary reading back what I've just written and I feel very fortunate to have sorted my life out before it came to that . 

I think the whole " Poor me " Self pity thing is in abundance when we first stop , alway's looking for excuses as to why we did what we did and to that point I think were quite selfish but what do we expect living in our own secret gambling bubble not giving a toss as to the damage were doing to those we supposedly hold dear ? , it's what addiction makes us unfortunately . 

Even this last few day's youv'e been scurrying around trying to find way's out of the money mess without anyone knowing , which again I initially did and is usually our first thought , " Self preservation " and keeping that to ourselves also allows a far easier opportunity to pick up where we left off should the urge become too strong to fight ? .

I focused so much on the money damadge I'd done but as you will in time realised it's about much more , trust, honesty, relationships and life in general . 

Money comes and goes throughout our lives and is just a means to an end , what's been lost can be put back over time  by honest hard work and I want to emphasise the " Over Time " part , it has to be affordable to pay back and you still have to be able to live on a daily basis , so make sure that whatever you choose to do don't make massive repayment's that are not sustainable , recovery's for life so what's the rush ? . 

3 yrs on I still have some debt and I don't know if you'll find this weird but I kinda like having that reminder there showing me where I was and how far I've come , I still live comfortably and it's not a struggle .

Lots of day's to come my friend with lots of questions to ask and answer but as I said earlier , just deal with what needs to be done today and do the same when tommorow arrives , bite size chunk's :)) . 

All the best :)) 

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 18:32

Donna2501

Joined:
2018-06-14

A9,

Amazing words of wisdom :) x

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 18:57

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Thank you guys for sticking with me. You know what when I cleaned up earlier I felt indestructible - kind of like how I felt when I sat behind the computer and logged on. But as the day has progressed I'm losing all hope. I dragged myself out to a kid's birthday party with my wife and son. It was tough but managed an hour before leaving. They got me up on stage to do some comp of who could drink a bottle of water fastest... Really didn't need that right now!

I started talking to my wife on the way home. I haven't told her what I've done but just testing the water to see if she'll be able to cope with the news. I think she'll stay with me but not sure she'll cope with the news.

I still can't care for my son like I used to. Our relationship has disintegrated. He won't really come near me as I am a bag of nerves and cannot show him any love right now, or even look him in the eye.

Donna, A9, lost, A... All you guys. Thank you for sticking with me right now. I don't think I'd be typing right now had you not returned to check on me and offer me support, I could've possibly just given up. I've never done anything so stupid before. Half an hour's work has destroyed my family's life for at least 8 years.

Let me try again with my wife and see if I am man enough to come clean.

Thanks again for checking in on me.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 19:03

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

I just asked myself "can you do this?" But then I realised - do what? I just don't know what I'm doing anymore... Help! Direction and focus needed.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 19:28

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

Arriving here didn't happen overnight now did it ? ......... So it makes sense to realise that the way you feel right now or broken relationships won't either ? . We all want the magic wand to make everything better in an instant but any improvement in your life will take time but as the saying goes " If it's worth having it's worth waiting for " unfortunately patience to a Gambler is not in great supply but that will all change the more gamble free day's you get under your belt .

I hope you can find the strength to have that conversation with your wife ......... I know it's gonna be the hardest one you'll ever have and there are never any guarantees how thing's will pan out but the alternatives will be so difficult to manage and gambling will love the fact that you still have your " Dirty little secret together " , trust me that if she stands by you you'll feel instantly as though your taking back control , sure she's gonna be angry and it will take some time for trust to return but do you think it would be any better if she found out on her own ? ......... Better that you choose the time and location my friend and if you do have that conversation then be honest and don't leave anything out regards debt , if it's coming out then it might as well all come out ? .  

However you come out of this , going forward you'll have honesty and transparency and that just like myself was something as a Gambler I never had , which in turn will allow you again to build true relationships .

When your able to have true time with your son , when your actually in the same room as he is instead of your mind being on the next bet then the relationship will be rebuilt my friend :)) . 

 At the moment your heads buzzing trying to process what's happened but just keep going and one day you'll wake up with a clear head because the gambling fog will have lifted and your first thought in the morning won't be gambling related , it's a way off yet but trust me I got there , so I know it happens :)) . 

Stay well my friend :)) 

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 19:31

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Once again, thank you.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 19:37

Donna2501

Joined:
2018-06-14

Yes, you can! We are all here for you for support don't forget that.

The overwhelming feeling you are getting will pass the more you are not gambling. Have you put any blocks in place? This will help with the urges. Do this as a priority and if you do find the courage to tell your wife you can show her you are taking the steps to get better.

We all wish we had that magic wand to make things better but at the end of the day we have to come to terms with this being a lifelong recovery programme and taking one minute, one hour and one day at a time.

Stay strong hun you can do this we are rooting for you

Dx

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 20:07

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

If you don’t tell her your living lie. Plus if she finds out and you have not told her the situation will be a lot worse. I have had 8 years of hell with gambling and me and my daughters mam split up because of not the money I’d lost but the lies I told to cover it up. Honesty is the best policy

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 20:29

ALN

Joined:
2018-08-25

Hi S.

First of all it's clear that you've accepted that gambling has you beat and that your life has become unmanageable.

You now need to set about your recovery. As many have advised this can only be achieved with honesty, the lying and deceit must stop, and believe me it's time to apply maturity and come clean. Your wife deserves the truth(all of it, warts and all) it's her life also, and you need to accept her decision whatever that maybe.

Moving on, barriers must be put in place immediately. By this, and I know you'll know what I mean, no access to money, bank cards, credit cards. When provided with money, all receipts. Hopefully your wife will take control, if not this may be a family member or someone you have the upmost trust.

Counselling is appropriate for the depression, anxiety, and guilt. GA meetings (necessity) and this forum will provide you with much needed support if you want to succeed. A lot of partners do not wish to attend Gamanon but it's a place whereby they can get the much needed support, advice, and assistance. To reiterate if your serious GA, GA, GA. No excuses.

The debt is an issue but free support is out there (stepchange) which will assist in putting a plan together and ensure that payment plans are agreed, and that you and your family can continue to live your life, and have sufficient to more importantly enjoy life (hopefully a new beginning). Okay it may mess up your credit rating but what does that matter at this stage.

Always been a straight talking person, and hopefully doesn't come across too harsh, but the rubbish must stop, and time to concentrate on rebuilding your character.

Honesty, honesty, honesty, and today.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 21:58

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Thank you so much ALN. A bit of tough love maybe what I needed right now. Thanks for all the amazing practical advice. Will read and reread numerous times!

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 22:04

ALN

Joined:
2018-08-25

Glad you took it the way it was meant.

Time to take back control and beat this.

First thing honesty though as this will be the strongest base. Then hand over financial control. Then GA, GA, GA, and a daily diary on Gamcare.

Need to start liking yourself again which will come in time and more importantly live your life.

You have to accept, as I have, the money is gone.

Good luck you can do this. But only the right way.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 23:18

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

End of day 3 - funny isn't it - the early days are those where you could be most vulnerable as there may be that dormant desire to try and foolishly win back everything at one fell swoop then continue as if nothing happened...

Anyway that's not me this time. I'm done with the heartache and destruction. I'm working on trying to rejig my loan to a much more affordable plan but it's looking doubtful so if it doesn't come off I think I'll sit down with my wife and go through everything with her - I think she inferred earlier that she would be willing to cover more of the mortgage if that eased pressure in some way. Even if it does come off I'll probably come clean anyway. I've no energy left to lie and cover up, honesty must be part of taking ownership of this illness. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 05:08

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Ok day 4. Got to be strong. Going seaside today with family and friends. Must try and enjoy it.

Tomorrow I'm dreading. Wife at work. Just me and the boy at home. Need the mental strength to look after him properly. Currently I feel so sorry for him that he has me as a dad...

Hope to god the bank call tomorrow and offer me the better loan. That will help loads. Gonna request some regular overtime from my employer too. Wish me luck today.

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 09:11

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

I really don't want to relapse. Ever. I can't afford to relapse. I'm on my doggy life - and that's not even certain, all depends what the bank says tomorrow.

Does anyone else live in daily fear of relapse, even if they don't feel the urge... I'm talking about the anxiety associated with the prospect that at some point the devil will return and confront me again... Will I have the power to turn him away? How do people cope with this on a day-to-day basis?

Anyway day 4... Long road ahead. Literally and figuratively... 2 hour drive to seaside. Wife driving... Not up to driving long journey today. Haven't been sleeping well. Can't sleep now either.

Good luck today everyone. Keep busy. Enjoy the sun and enjoy being GF and stronger than you ever imagined you could be.

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 10:11

laurainsky

Joined:
2017-08-04

Time will heal how you are feeling right now and when the pain subsides, that's when you need to worry that the urges might come back.

Stay strong, every second that you are not gambling makes you a better man.

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 10:20

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

Good Morning .

I woke this morning and kinda hoped there would have been some sort of positive post where you outlined a plan to move forward but  unfortunately I find a post where your still relying on a bank loan so you don't have to speak with your wife but if that doesn't come off you think you'll "  Sit down with your wife and go through everything with her " ? .

You had so many messages of support yesterday outlining what you needed to do and all of which gave " Honesty " as being the most important and one from Boro stands out where he even told you how he lost his mrs , not for the money lost but the lies told  ? . If that's not straight enough for you then I don't know what is ? and does your wife not get a say in how your joint income is spent ? .

You ask " Does anyone live in daily fear of relapse " ? Well were all only one bet away from being back in the cycle of destruction but if you start as you mean to go on  with Honesty and facing things head on putting every block in place which will keep you and more importantly your family safe by handing over control of finances until such time you get back some sort of control , you really shouldn't live in fear ? . 

You think your doing this to protect those around you but still in my opinion in self preservation mode and as Einstien said " The defenition of madness is doing the same thing everytime and expecting a different result " 

I'm sorry this post comes accross as harsh but I'm trying to wake you up to the fact that this is a war between you and gambling and you'll need all the amunition you can to fight it , you can do this and you can beat it it's just a question of " How much you want to " ? . 

 

All the best my friend . 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 10:42

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Ok A9 ok.

Yeah you're right about the self-preservation mode. You're right. I am being selfish because I can't cope with the reality of what I've done. Her vision of me will change forever when I tell her.

Please don't lose faith in me. Today I looked at my son and worried if I relapse again I won't be able to feed him. I'm still not right in the head. Its only day 4.

I know you're right A9. I know you're right. I was SO close to telling her yesterday... I swear to you I was.

Telling her is my priority isn't it... Not securing the finance. I realise that now after your post.

Please don't give up on me. I need insight like yours right now. Re: telling her I just need a window to get my head straight before I do.

Basically what you're saying is that in order to give myself the best chance not to relapse I don't need to change the things I am doing (bank loan, hiding at work by doing overtime) - I need to change the way I think (honesty, tell my wife)

This is getting intense but stay with me if you are able to guys.

I just don't want to lose my wife and son A9... It will finish me off for sure. Do you understand

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 10:50

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

I feel like I am a much more conniving, disgusting human being than anyone on here who has taken time to support me.

I wish I could just disappear... However I hope to God if I stay strong things will get easier and my self-esteem will slowly return.

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 10:51

Lost1961

Joined:
2018-08-24

Signalman.
Tell her today.It will be really really tough and with you having a young cbild i am sure she will be destraught and as my wife told me terrified of what you will do next but once the shock and hurt subsides she can move forward with you but unfortunately its going to take a long time.
No matter how awful it will be better for you all as she can obviously see your not yourself ans myst be wondering whats goi g on.
We are all here for you if it gets that you cannot cope once its out in the open.
Thinking of you all.

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 10:56

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Thanks Lost. Thank you. If it comes out today I will be in pieces and will need people. If it had come out yesterday I would've felt a bit better I know I would have. She deserves better and so does my son.

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 10:58

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

I am worried if I can't bring myself to tell her I will stop posting on here as I will be too ashamed to tell you all... Then I'm truly on my own again.

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 11:20

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi signalman everyone here has been where you are. Not telling, keeping secrets, leaves the door open, carry on in secret. If you don't feel right in your head get to your gp. I'm not saying that the only way forward is to tell your wife but addiction feeds on secrets and lies. Lying is control, you lying to her controls her, she will not leave if I don't tell. I've been married to a compulsive gambler for nearly 20 years, I've heard all the lies, seen the depressive behaviour, lived in debt. I learnt a long time ago that I would never stop him. I safeguarded myself, took control of money, I paid all the bills with his money. Don't take your wife's money for the mortgage, that is a bailout. She needs the money. Your debt is your responsibility if you can't pay it speak to stepchange. You both need support. Call gamcare, find a GA meeting. This is a tough addiction to beat and you need to get real life help. No excuses, this damages your mental health, will ruin your marriage and bankrupt you. You will feel so much better when you start being honest.

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 11:21

Lost1961

Joined:
2018-08-24

Have you spoken to a gamcare advisor.Ring them again even if you have. A voice to talk to can be easier than texting .
Get help from the free councellor they offer and obviously use Gam block and hand over your finances.
Dont stop communicating whatever you do

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 11:37

Donna2501

Joined:
2018-06-14

I second all the above comments, read them and let the words sink in, we are here to help you.

Like I've said before if you really don't feel you can tell her to her face an option is to write it all down and give it to her, that way emotions won't stop you from saying what you need. Then give her time to absorb it.

Please do this today and put blocks in place you can't move forward without doing this.

Keep writing.

Dx

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 14:22

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

Support on here alway's should be and in my case is unconditional , were all addicts or family and friends of addicts and any knowledge , wisdom or call it what you will is passed on with the hope that you begin to get well again sooner rather than later . 

I'm not here to preach to you but have enough time under my belt and many hours spent here to know the way a Gamblers mind works and as I and many others on these pages will testify , some things work and other don't . Weve all covered our tracks enough to become expert's at the art of illusion but as the saying goes " You can't kid a kidder " .

As I said the other day your heads in a mess and your running over different scenarios in your mind trying to find a solution that will be the least difficult " The Path of least resistance " and why wouldn't you ? , It's what life as a Compulsive gambler's all about " Sod everyone else as long as I can find funds to gamble and get my fix " , I know I did the same for many years , even when I wanted to stop I alway's left doors open so I could go back to it at any time and if I stopped for a week or two then I thought "I was cured"  ,  " I had it all under control " and I did until I started again but because I'd had a break that meant I had a few more quid at my disposal and as I'd been a good boy I had every right to blow the lot again and more beside but that wasn't a problem because I could stop anytime I wanted right ? and so the cycle went on .

Someone on one of your post's mentioned " Accepting that gambling had you beat and that you were powerless to control it " and that's Spot on , acceptance is the key to this whole thing , the whole I won't gamble for the rest of my life is a scary thought to be dealing with and I myself  thought I would just fall over without my crutch of gambling or without my mistress to run into the arms of  if you like but dealing initially with I wont gamble today or this week is a far easier prospect to accept and that's what you have to do for now. 

I'm not giving up on you nor losing faith but you need have a little faith in your own abilities my friend , youv'e given up gambling and you probably can't remember like myself how many gambles youv'e had in your life ? but youv'e still one final gamble to make and that's being open with your wife , just like betting there's no guarantee but it could also bring you riches beyond your wildest dreams and I'm not talking about money .

All the best for now :)) 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 20:48

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

I'm going to to tell her everything after we put our son to bed. My wife is going to take they day off work tomorrow and then I am going to spend the day handing all finances over to her and out every single block I can think of in place. You all have helped me realise that I am in control... Not the addiction. Without you all I'd be in a ditch somewhere right now. I need to tell her everything and she will help me ensure that yes at 35 I ****** up and almost ruined everything - but when we reach 50,55,60 the addiction will be a long way behind us in the past and just painful memories (I do acknowledge it will be still there though so will be fighting for the rest of my life)

Too many names to mention in one go but you know who you are on here. You are very special people. When I am back on it I will help people as much as you've helped me.

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 21:43

Donna2501

Joined:
2018-06-14

Good to hear hun, it's definitely the right way to go, don't let this thing keep you from the rest of your life.

Keep in touch and we can help you as much as we can :)

Dx

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 09:20

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Hey guys

Its all done. Everything out in the open. Yesterday I felt a huge high from doing so. Knowing I'm not alone in this now. We are going to spend the day addressing the blocks and also looking at support links for me. Maybe contact Stepchange or Payplan too.

I slept well for the first time in days. However this morning I feel really low... Depressed, shaky, nervous. Feel like urges could come back if I feel like i got nothing left to lose. I told my wife how I feel today. She's going to keep an eye on me. I really hope over time we can pay off this huge mistake I've made.

Thanks again to everyone who encouraged me to do the right thing.

However for some reason my head is not right today. Is this normal after disclosure. Everything just seems so real today... Real and scary. I need to do this for my wife and son though don't I.

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 09:20

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

I really don't want to relapse. Need those blocks in place asap.

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 09:57

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

I'm just going to think moment to moment... One day at a time for now.

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 10:02

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi find a GA meeting . Get support and advice from others who have been where you are.

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 10:03

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

Morning :).   Firstly well done my friend on doing what needed to be done , I know from experience that’s not an easy conversation to have but a necessary one . It sounds like your in one sense quite euphoric that you’ve come clean and that a big weight has been lifted but that in the same moment your aware that your wife now knows what’s  happened and you probably are wondering what she’s thinking of you ? All natural feelings and ones that will ease with time . You don’t have to be Einstein to work out what needs to be done next , sorting finances and handing financial control over to keep your family safe , blocks in place to make it impossible to gamble and help for you and your wife in whichever way you choose.  I’m sorry this is a short msg but I’m just at work and will try and catchup later but just to let you know we’re all rooting for you and I’m really proud as should you be that you’ve done the right thing :)) all the best :) 

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 10:32

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Thanks A9. I think the blocks thing is daunting isn't it. Time waits for no man... Every moment I spend dwelling on what has happened and the future - time is lost. I feel like I am slipping away from reality. She is very keen for me to get the help for my feelings and headspace which I will do.

My whole life has been turned upside down. However I don't regret telling her. Loan companies keep ringing me after my weekend of frantically calling them. Batting them away whenever they ring.

Yes I can't do this alone. I realise that now. Thanks again for all the support and taking time to check on me while you're working.

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 10:37

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Sounds stupid but what if something goes wrong like my son gets ill or my wife or something breaks in the house and it needs to be fixed... How will I cope... I have nothing left to give at the moment. No strength.

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 11:26

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

What if’s don’t need to be worried about really , just the moment your in for today will do , no need to worry about things that haven’t happened just what has ? . Have you heard back from the bank yet ?  If not and finance is a problem then maybe you need to seek advice from CAB or someone like stepchange or you could be direct with any loan companies that are pressing you and either tell them the truth and that you need some time or offer them a reduced payment ? You never know most will be glad of something rather than nothing? But as I said if it’s going to be a massive issue you need professional guidance . I managed to switch mine to initially low apr cards and ad it’s gome down then to interest free because as the debt reduced and I wasn’t spending on them anymore the card companies gave me better deals , so even that improved the longer I stopped gambling :)) . I’d talk things over with your wife so that anything you undertake is jointly agreed.  Just set your self a target to at least deal with one issue a day and that will start freeing up space in your head as things become resolved one day at a time :)) 

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 11:50

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

Hello signal man, 

These are early days for you, and you’ve done remarkably well and have made some great strides. Putting it all out there has taken some great strength so begone any thoughts that you’ve got nothing to give. It looks a scary world when we take our head out of the sand and start facing upto reality and living amongst our emotions rather than using the anesthetise of gambling. It’s a natural and necessary way of rediscovering ones self in having to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions you find yourself in. Patience isn’t a virtue of us cg’s but it really is something that requires working on, so taking it a moment at a time is good. 

I do agree in getting out there and talking to other people who have been through the same  is both therapeutic and cathartic, it also adds to life skills. 

Keep it up signalman and I wish you strength and honor 

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