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Posted on:
Fri, 02/11/2018 - 00:43

alwalm

Joined:
2018-08-24

Hardest part of recovery is admitting what youve done to loved ones Sarah.Theres a bright future and a wonderful world out there for you and your family now youve taken this giant step.Sincere best wishes in not only being free from addiction but showing the world the real you. The skys the limit.. 

God Bless

Alwalm

Posted on:
Fri, 02/11/2018 - 00:47

alwalm

Joined:
2018-08-24

Hardest part of recovery is admitting what youve done to loved ones Sarah.Theres a bright future and a wonderful world out there for you and your family now youve taken this giant step.Sincere best wishes in not only being free from addiction but showing the world the real you. The skysthe limit. God Bless Al

Posted on:
Fri, 02/11/2018 - 00:52

alwalm

Joined:
2018-08-24

alwalm wrote:

 

Posted on:
Fri, 02/11/2018 - 21:58

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Quick check in. 

Thanks al for your comment. It means so much to me. 

I really hope I can over time reconnect with my brother. As I know that it will make it tough for all the family. 

Busy day at work today...glad it’s over.

Still gf! 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 03/11/2018 - 01:13

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hi love...
It will all work out.....in time...
Right now you're doing so well...you're not gambling...you're engaging with hubby and son. ..you're enjoying counselling....
You're getting stronger every day...and it's a pleasure to watch you fight you're addiction....
Xx

Posted on:
Sun, 04/11/2018 - 13:14

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Day 30 gf today! What a month! Gone really quickly in one sense. The emotional rollercoaster seems to have been longer. 

Feeling proud of myself today. The practical side is all but sorted. The emotional rollercoaster is ongoing.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 04/11/2018 - 18:20

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

Well done on a month 

 

You're doing brill, keep taking support offered and continue to make that change!

 

You're worth it!

Posted on:
Sun, 04/11/2018 - 22:45

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

Hey Sarah, well done on getting to a month gambling free. Don’t underestimate how much of an achievement that is. You should feel proud but yes just take it one day at a time. Hope you have a pleasant week. Scott

Posted on:
Sun, 04/11/2018 - 23:10

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Thanks san and Scott for taking the time to post! Your support is really appreciated and is helping massively x

Posted on:
Mon, 05/11/2018 - 05:56

JW_

Joined:
2018-08-13

Congratulations on your first month, great achievement! Keep it going!

JW

Posted on:
Tue, 06/11/2018 - 19:27

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Thanks JW!

So diary,

it’s been a busy few days juggling work and home. 

Still gf. No urges. 

Next counselling session tomorrow. Don’t know what to expect. I’ve done the crying till my eyes are raw, talking about the positive aspects of me being gf. Going tomorrow with an open mind. 

Trying not to dwell on the past. Looking forward. Still difficult not speaking or seeing my brother for over a month. Never not seen him for this long. Missing my niece. 

Me and partner are doing as well as I think can be expected. He remains supportive. 

Feeling apprehensive about how well I am doing. Waiting for another blow to life. Feel like I don’t deserve to have a laugh at work or smile with a family member who doesn’t know. Wanting to move on but don’t want the people close to think it’s not on my mind or seem complacent. I’m rambling now! I know how serious my addiction is. Don’t want to go back ever! 

Taking life one day at a time. 

Posted on:
Wed, 07/11/2018 - 10:25

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Dear diary,

Day33.

I should be sat in my counselling session now....but my counselling has been cancelled. The Councellor is not well. When I received that text this morning I felt deflated. I didn’t know what to expect from my fourth session but was open minded and willing to talk. So since the school run I have been here on the site reading and taking in strength from the great posts on here. Some people seem to have such a way with words....I feel encouraged and gain strength from reading posts. 

I have no urges to gamble today. I’m still feeling drained from the last 33 days. So tired with work and life and not in a negative way. Just focusing my efforts on other things. 

Going to take my gran out for a few hours and spend some quality time with her. I owe her everything. She took me in at 16. She fed me, clothed me, cared for me and protected me. She is an amazing women who in the past I have lied to. She doesn’t know the truth. She is the one person other than my gravely poorly grandad who doesn’t know. It would be too much for them. Her love and kindness is second to none. She makes me laugh and today I need a laugh. 

My addiction made me a person who I don’t recognise and now the fog has lifted I realise I never want to be “that” person again. Under my addiction I’m not a bad person. I will strive to be  a better person. 

Posted on:
Thu, 08/11/2018 - 09:17

Sean1

Joined:
2009-12-06

Hi Sarah

Well done in reaching 34 days, excellent start. 

I am trying to spread the word, please note I am not on commission, lol! but look at the book Allen Carr EASYWAY to stop gambling. It’s a game changer, takes all the stress out of stopping gambling.

Good luck.

Shaun

Posted on:
Sun, 11/11/2018 - 14:28

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Day 37gf,

Doing ok I think. Finding the lack of finance hard work. Not because I want to gamble but just day to day things. The forward planning etc. I understand it’s a necessity in my recovery so I will continue. 

Had a few stressful shifts at work. Been a tough week. No urges to gamble thankfully. 

Thanks shaun for your post...will take a look. 

Sarah

Posted on:
Wed, 14/11/2018 - 15:21

stu38

Joined:
2011-06-22

Hi Sarah- Thanks for writing so honestly, its been a privilege to read your diary.  Well done on 40 days gf!- you are doing brilliantly.

I'm sorry things are not great with your brother.  I think you've done all you can for the moment, its up to him to respond now isn't it, we can only pray that with time things will improve.  I think the best thing you can do is focus on those wonderful relationships that are life-giving, your partner, your son, your gran etc... The positive nature of these relationships are helping you stay gf.

This addiction is absolutely terrible but it can teach us a lot about love, mercy, kindness and forgiveness- qualities that we have seen reflected in the faces, attitudes, words and deeds of some of our loved ones who despite everything have been there for us.

Its been great to talk with you on the 'chat'.  Stay strong, take a day at a time.  You can do it.

Posted on:
Fri, 16/11/2018 - 00:06

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Thanks stu. Your continued support is extremely valued. I continue to follow your journey too.

My brother sent a text to my partner today and he asked if we were “all” ok. Don’t want to read too much in to it. But I’m holding on as a positive. 

41days gf today. What a relief getting to over a month. Minimal thoughts about gambling. I truly feel like I needed my rock bottom to see it for what it was. First dmp and repayment to my brother made today. Feeling hopeful. It’s going to be tough, no doubt about it. Feeling love from my partner is keeping me strong. The playfulness in our relationship seems to be returning. Something that I had shy away from during my gambling height. I look back and see the inhad withdrawn from lots of relationships - truly saddens me to think what I had become. But not anymore. I will continue to try with every breath to take each day as it comes. 

Today has been a good day, hopefully tomorrow will too.

 

Posted on:
Sat, 17/11/2018 - 08:05

stu38

Joined:
2011-06-22

Hi Sarah

sounds really positive about your brother.  I hope and pray things improve, I'm sure they will do with time.

I agree with what you say about relationships.  When gambling was a part of our lives it dominated everything, every thought etc... and so friendships were pushed to the side.  To my shame there was one occasion when I didn't go to a friend's funeral because I was gambling. How awful is that? gambling turned us into terrible people.  Unfortunately we can't turn back the clock, I would love to, but its not possible is it.  We just committ to being gf each day and being the best people we can be.

You can do it, stay strong.

Posted on:
Sat, 17/11/2018 - 11:13

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi Sarah

I saw positive change in Mr L amazingly quickly after he stopped. Glimpses at first then with continued gf time and GA attendance more and more of the old him came back. I still handle the money, he still has blocks in place and he still goes to GA weekly. The money will sort itself out in time but the mental benefits and clarity of thinking from giving up gambling seem to kick in very quickly.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/11/2018 - 06:49

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Thank you for your post Lethe, 

I too have seen a positive impact since stopping. As you say the clarity you get is profound. Long may it continue. I can’t change the past but I’m trying dam hard to change the future.

Sarah

Posted on:
Tue, 20/11/2018 - 08:42

stu38

Joined:
2011-06-22

Hi Sarah

your counselling seems to be really fruitful.  Well done on 46 days!

see you in chat soon

Stu

Posted on:
Wed, 21/11/2018 - 12:58

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Attended counselling This morning. Another positive session I feel. Very safe environment enables me to truly open up. 

Still no urges to gamble. 

Find strength in reading the recovery diaries when I find I have a little time on my hands. 

Onwards and upwards 

Posted on:
Sat, 24/11/2018 - 06:39

stu38

Joined:
2011-06-22

Whoop whoop Sarah 50 days!!!!!!! Well done. Keep going.

Posted on:
Sat, 24/11/2018 - 21:35

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Well done on 50 days Sarah.

Im glad to see you taking up counselling and digging into the "why(s)" of your addiction. Its good to see thats going well and you feel comfortable to talk about it. Be honest and open up and a massive weigh will be lifted with each session. You've shown great strength facing up to this, keep going!

All the best.
 

Posted on:
Mon, 26/11/2018 - 17:05

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

52 days gf! Who would have thought it! 

I honestly don’t think I would have got here without the support of my partner and the people on this forum. 

Everyone’s advice and reassurance has and is greatly received. 

Still taking it one day at a time and I am most certainly not getting complacent.

Been xmas shopping today and if felt brilliant. Knowing that we have paid the bills and repayment of debt  and are able to buy gifts just proves how much I was wasting. 

No urges to gamble I am happy to report. Whenever a flicker of the old me enters my head I log onto here and remind myself how far I have come.

Sarah

Posted on:
Wed, 28/11/2018 - 21:16

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Dear Sarah16, 

Well done for reaching 52 days GF. You sound motivated and have started noticing the changes in your life. 

Stay focused and keep up the good work

Forum admin

Posted on:
Sun, 02/12/2018 - 05:53

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

58 days gf,

I’m happy with how far I have come in 58days! How much my relationship has improved with my partner, at how much better I feel as a person. My mood swings have stopped, the bank account looks healthier. Days out with my son now possible. 

However, my addiction has ruined relationships with other family members I have hurt. I still have times when I feel lonely. The heavy feeling like someone is sat on my chest has lifted. I can put one front in front of the other. But I will never be complacent. This is a journey, not a race. This is a life long illness and one I will continue to fight. 

I continue to attend counselling. My partner still has all the money and I receive a weekly allowance as such. 

Each days brings it own challenges. The adverts, the notices etc. I don’t want to gamble anymore, I am done. I never want to be that person again. 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/12/2018 - 06:38

stu38

Joined:
2011-06-22

well done Sarah

you are doing brilliantly. The most important thing is that the gambling has stopped and that the relationship with your partner and son is going well.  Hopefully the other relationships will be fixed in time.  Don't let other people's negativity de-rail you.   Look forward to a brilliant gamble free Christmas with your partner and son.

Stux

Posted on:
Tue, 04/12/2018 - 20:20

Freeee

Joined:
2018-11-08

Well done Sarah! We all know on here what huge leaps you have already made... there are many people out there who are yet to see the ligh and are in that ‘rut’ we were all in only days ago. I too feel free and so much better for all the above you mentioned, as well as being honest to my loved ones and myself, which is more important than anything. Keep it up as you are doing so well :) xxx    Kaz 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 06/12/2018 - 22:52

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

62 days  gf,

Just checking in. At work on nights. 

No urges as such - positive! Went to counselling wed. Still finding that a huge help. Someone to talk to without judgement.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 06/12/2018 - 23:46

alwalm

Joined:
2018-08-24

Plod on Sarah im over the moon with your progress. Determination and grit will see you through your journey. It aint easy but you can do it.

Stay Strong

AL

 

Posted on:
Fri, 07/12/2018 - 19:47

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Day 63 gf,

Today has been a busy day. Finished nights, minimal sleep, so much to do, so little time. 

When I stopped this evening it made me think....how did I find time to gamble? How many things in my life did I ignore in order to gamble! How little attention was I paying to my actual life!

The reality is...a lot! My son, my family, work etc etc 

It makes me angry, annoyed, sad, upset, but most of all ashamed. Ashamed that I thought nothing of sitting for hours playing on my phone and not concentrating on what’s imoortant in life. What sort of mother am I, what sort of partner, family member or plain human am I. 

I want to be a better person. I want to be an excellent mum. I’m devastated at the things I have done, the lies I told, the money I spent, the debt I have inflicted upon us. They say times a healer...I really hope so. 

All blocks remain, no urges, no access to bank account in place. I will overcome this, I will be a better person....one day I know I will. 

Posted on:
Fri, 07/12/2018 - 20:22

Lorna97

Joined:
2018-12-07

Hi guys I’m scared to tell my family I’m scared my partner will leave me but I know I have problems 

Posted on:
Fri, 07/12/2018 - 21:03

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

 

 

Hi Lorna,

Welcome to the site. Firstly, well done on recognising you have a problem. It takes courage to admit.

As for telling your partner I was exactly the same. Thought he would run a mile....how wrong was I. He has been my rock. 

I’m not saying that all people would be but I found that once the secrecy was out that I could make plans and move forward. I don’t think I would have faced my addiction head on and with such drive and determination had I not told him. 

Take care,

Sarah 

Posted on:
Sun, 09/12/2018 - 23:15

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

65 days gf,

Today has been an emotional day. I don’t think having the mother of all hangovers has helped. 

Today I have realised that I don’t know how to fix this mess. By that I mean the relationships I have shattered. the money will be sorted all be it a couple of years. My relationship with my partner is doing well. However, the relationship with my brother is shattered. I learnt today that his fiancé is arranging her hen do - I’m not invited. I didn’t expect to be. What I wasn’t prepared for was the why questions from extended family memebers. Of course it looks odd that I don’t have an invite. I feel like she is waiting to get all the family together so she can spill my dirty little secret to everyone. The thought of that makes my heart race with fear. 

I was putting their wedding (next summer) out of my brain for the time being - telling myself that perhaps we will be talking by then. I can but hope because the alternative doesn’t bare thinking about .

i also saw my dad pull on to our street today - he visited my brother and then drove off. I’m questioning everything today. He wouldn’t have ever done that before he knew? Why doesn’t he want to visit me? Rationally it sounds stupid, childlike almost.

Time for bed, tomorrow has to be an emotionally better day.

no urges to gamble. The only urge I have is to kick myself for being so bloody stupid in the first place.  

Posted on:
Mon, 10/12/2018 - 07:56

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Sarah we had a long running fued with my sister in law . It was to do with misunderstanding addiction and my husband wanting to hide and isolate me. The problem is people don't understand addiction. It ended after many years when I had a massive melt down with their mother. Everyone blamed me for the 'problem'. When ultimately they were all ashamed and in denial. When you are the person they are all ignoring it becomes much worse than it is. You would never have known your dad had visited if you hadn't been at the window at that time. Just because he didn't come to your house doesn't mean he's ignoring you. Our mind starts working overtime. We are only in control of ourselves, we can only change ourselves. When you are stronger you will see this in a different light. We use an expression 'got your hooks out' it means when your not in a great place you hook onto everything that's negative, overthink things. Personally I would keep trying to talk, I'm a talker, let's put it on the table and discuss. Not many people are. I told my mother in law that nobody helped me. It definitely changed things. It will never be perfect but it's better than ignoring everything. Your gambling is not a dirty secret, it's an illness, addiction. Keep looking forward and just deal with today. Things will get better.

Posted on:
Mon, 10/12/2018 - 22:36

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and post in my diary merry go round. 

You’re right in that I don’t think my brother does understand my addiction however, I shattered his trust when I took money from him. He has every right to hate me. I hate myself for what I have done. 

Dear diary,

Last night I cried in my partners arms. I told him all the things that were on my mind. I took down my brick wall, brick by brick. I opened up like I did 66 days ago. Once again he was there to hold and reassure me. It didn’t  “fix” anything but it gave me the strength to carry on. 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 11/12/2018 - 19:03

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Today I was brave or at least I feel brave. I had something to tell my brother. Not particularly nice news.  Our grandad is extremely poorly. He does visit but I felt he needed to know where we were at. Having not spoke since that day my addiction became everyone else’s reality. I didn’t want to text him. 

So I put on my big girls pants and walked to his house. He didn’t slam it straight in My face - positive. He listened - positive. He said thank you for letting him know - positive. Didn’t invite me in - only to be expected I think. 

67 days gf and although I no desire to gamble I am obviously still plodding my way through the trail of destruction I have caused. One being my relationship with my brother. I feel proud of myself for having the strength and courage to go over. I tried not to overthink it. 

Parts of my life have become so much easier with 67 days behind me. Today was just a stark reminder of how far I have to go. I will however continue with every breath I have. Taking life just one day at a time. 

Posted on:
Tue, 11/12/2018 - 20:51

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Well done Sarah. I know its hard to accept but you have to let them react in their own ways to all this. You did the right thing and thats all you can keep trying to do now. Focus on being and doing the best you can everyday and its all you can ask of yourself. Its still early, we have lived with this for years and still struggle to understand it so its understandable people that don't 'get' addiction struggle to process things. Just like you have to learn to forgive yourself, they do too.

Don't worry about whats ahead, we can only deal with today to try make tomorrow better. One day at a time.

All the best.

Posted on:
Wed, 12/12/2018 - 16:25

Sarahs16

Joined:
2018-10-07

Thanks sjw, you’re right and I will continue to take life one day at a time. 

Attended counselling session today - again felt good talking. At one point we were both crying. She is a lovely women. 

Onwards and upwards - another day gf

Posted on:
Thu, 13/12/2018 - 19:25

stu38

Joined:
2011-06-22

Well done Sarah, you are doing great. Your partner is being so brilliant, it's so wonderful to hear how he is there for you. It sounds like he really is trying to understand the addiction. Just keep offering the relationship with your brother to the Higher Power. Miracles can and do happen.

Stu

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